[Jamie]

A song about mortality. I was thinking about the mythological figure Kharon who was the ferryman who carried the dead to Hades. In order to be safely delivered he had to be paid and the myth said the pennies were carried in the dead persons mouth. If you didn't pay you were left in the wilderness for 100 years.....Originally I was thinking of a song about the mythology but the rhyming of Persephone, Hades etc put me off .
Ended up with contemporary scenes for the verses with the chorus reverting to the mythology.

I think this song sounds like a stage song, of which I have no knowledge or experience, any ideas? It's a bit rough but you'll get the idea
 Does it work?

https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/pennies
Pennies

I walked the streets in the rain
Clouds rolling in my veins
The rain falls like victims tears
I'm wondering what I'm doing here

Headlights fly by like neon birds
Newspapers without any words
The wind blows down the street
All the Kings horses fall at my feet

Chorus
Pennies in our mouths we row to the shore, to the shore
If we cant pay the ferryman well wonder here forever more

Crowds of people standing by they're
Asking questions I don't know why
I lie there in my innocence
I don't know if I make any sense

Chorus

[hardtwistmusic]

This READS the best of all your lyrics I've seen.  As you know, how it sounds is more important... but this is impressive imo.

If it were me, I wouldn't take the lyric too much further.  Leave a lot of space for musical accompaniment between the lyrical sections, don't try to "close the loop" on the story with an "ending." 

Heck... the "ending" occurred when the guy died didn't it?

With this kind of song, leaving a lot unexplained is a positive imo. 

Good luck.  Great lyric imo.   

[Jamie]

Hi Verlon, thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated! Yes there is an ending, but as you said it's not stated but implied. Cool that you liked the lyric, as I've said before this is the area I find the most difficult to work on. I don't think I need to add to the lyric, maybe just a bit of tampering .
Cheers
Jamie

[jamesh]

Hi there

I very much like this song. The tune and instrumentation remind me very much of mid era Genesis. A song called Heathaze springs to mind.
I agree with Hardtwistmusic that space should be left between the lyrics for the accompaniment to do its thing.


James

[hardtwistmusic]

I LOVE IT when I read a lyric then get to hear the music added and it all fits perfectly and fulfills my ever expectation. 

Starts with a funeral dirge feel, then contrasts with a pretty melody without losing the funeral dirge feel. 

Beautifully done.  I'm very impressed.

[Jamie]

Hi guys thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated.

James, liking the genesis ref I loved them especially the Gabriel era. Had to go back and listen the song from Duke you referred to, I get it. Glad you liked the song and the arrangement.
Cheers

Verlon, wow, great review thanks! I guess I'll have to go back and fix all the issues and do it properly .

Thanks again guys
Jamie

[irwin]

I like the mood of which the song sang through out the whole time.lovely.

[bewarethisboy]

Very impressive. I thought this could be a really cracking finale in a musical composition - something like that. Excellent story telling. I liked very much the introduction of the second melody - it pitched up really well. As a constructive (hopefully) comment I wonder if the main melody tends to follow the backing a little too closely - in a couple of sections the vocal seemed to wait for the backing to change and this sort of broke the flow. But other than that this is really good stuff. I look forward to hearing more form you. BTB

[Jamie]

Hi guys, thanks for the feedback, it's always appreciated!

hi Irwin, glad you liked the somber tone, given the subject it had to be like that I suppose!

 Hi BTB, glad you liked this, it's maybe a bit dark for most but I guess it was evocative of the content and subject matter, yeah it sounded a bit like a musical song to me too, but where's Matt when you need him to comment(he's a contributor to the site who actually writes and I believe stages musical theatre). Maybe he's heard it and doesn't want to disappoint me . Ive been given feedback before about the melody following the chord sequences, I guess I haven't cracked that yet! I've got plenty more stuff already on soundcloud and more on the way, if you want to hear more!

Cheers guys
Jamie

[Sunfighter]

Hi Jamie, I really like this.  I'm a huge Genesis fan and it definitely reminded me of Tony Banks' writing,  for Genesis, but also for his early solo album A Curious Feeling.

Musically and lyrically I think you've nailed it.  I don't dislike your voice, I'm just not crazy about the phrasing.  e.g.

"I walked the streets in the rain
Clouds rolling in my veins
The rain falls like victims tears
I'm wondering what I'm doing here"

The way there's a pause in the middle of the line, and the end of the line runs straight into the start of the next one.

This is clearly just my opinion, and I bet some people like precisely because of that!  But I wanted to say because that's one of the things I took away from it.

But really, this is excellent, and I look forward to hearing more stuff of yours!

[Jamie]

Hi SF, glad you liked it, to be compared with genesis is a great compliment, thanks, and it really like tony banks keyboard playing and songwriting . Yes, phrasing continues to be an issue for me, I'm better than I was, but still not mastered it, but, hey that's why I'm here . I'm still learning ::)Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated!
Cheers
Jamie

[benjo]

 I love the feel to this song

 its like it takes you back in time,
 some good advice above

 can't wait to hear this completed its gonna be a cracker

 top work bud,   loved the lyrics too

[Jamie]

Cheers Benjo, glad it transported you .yes most comments made are really helpful. The trouble is I usually have a queue of songs in preparation, so it's hard to find the time to go back to the earlier stuff, but I guess I'll get block sometime and that'll allow me to backtrack .
Cheers
Jamie

[jmacdon]

This is certainly a stage song and you deserve a career in theatre luvvie-land without a doubt!  I hope that the Cameron Mcintosh/Lloyd Webber scouts find this track.

There is really not much to criticise - I write a fair few theatrical tracks myself, and I could not better this melody and lyrical combination, so well done 

I'm just concerned that, in respect to your reading habits,  you should swap Greek mythology for something more modern!  Try Paul Theroux's latest travel book - now that will inspire you !!

J.

[Jamie]

Hi jmac, you've not been around for a while, been anywhere nice? . Thanks for your kind words, the feed backs always appreciated. Is it Paul Theroux the TV guy? I might just do that. You can't beat a bit of mythology for giving you ideas though .
Cheers
Jamie