[Helena4]

A few notes before reading:

This song is based on real life events.

The references to "Zoe" and "Who will give a fuck now?" are references to another song called "Zoe doesn't give a fuuuuuuuuck", which I may post but I'm not sure it's perfect yet (well neither is this, but that one is literally a first draft). All you need to know is, the story of that song is that I had a crush on "Zoe" and she didn't give a fuck, lol.

The "chocolate crusha" joke is because I'm half black and Crusha is a brand of milkshake mix haha. It's supposed to be funny but also convey the meaning that I am someone with a crush. A crush-er. but I think the ridiculous humour is out of place in the dark song. There are other wacky flares in the song but mostly it's supposed to be sort of depressing.

My concept for the finished song is that it will be like a dark twisted dance anthem, hence the idea of centering it around something superficial like "Vodka" and the "Get me on ya, I don't know ya, But I want ya" sort of simple commercial pop lyricism. It was initially supposed to have far less words so that it could be more repetative like those sorts of songs but I felt like I wasn't getting the message across. It's not supposed to really sell as a dance anthem though, it's just a concept peice.



(Heartbeat sounds)
I,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t see… straight,
You words are in my chest,
They eat me up,
Eat my soul,
Leave me empty,
I need another spirit,
Fill me up,

(transitions into danceable music with a steady beat)

Vodka,
Get me on ya.

Vodka
Yeah, I want ya.

Drowning in the Northern lights that shroud the mob of strangers,
Your face is what I look for,
To dance with you, my friend.
Waves your body makes, the magnets from your skin to mine,
Damn, I know what I want but no,
I’m happy you’re my friend.

But you don’t dance tonight.
Beauty melted in phone light.
Don’t wanna dance with me, you cow.
Finally you spit out,
TELL ME WHY, TELL ME WHY
You wanna dance with Zoe now.
SOMEBODY DANCE WITH ME,
ANYBODY.

Vodka,
Get me on ya,
I don’t know ya,
But I want ya,
Vodka,
I want your tongue to taste,
I’ve got some love to waste,
You’ll cure my heart’s mistakes,
With vodka.

Ethanol is toxic and I’m stumbling to my deathbed,
Who will give a fuck now?
A stranger, I don’t mind.
All these eyes are oggling me, two-timing chocolate crusha,
I need to hide inside your mouth,
Stranger, aren’t you kind.

There’s vodka in my tears,
And pain beyond my years,
I realised I’m a joke,
HAHAHA HAHAHA,
I wish she never spoke.
I wish I never loved her.
Hahahahaha
ARE YOU HORNY?
SO AM IIIIIII!

Vodka,
Get me on ya,
I don’t know ya,
But I want ya,
Vodka,
Attract your skin to mine,
I’m scared; it’s my first time,
But I so need some I am dying,
And crying tears of,
Vodka,
Get me on ya,
I don’t know ya,
But I want ya,
Vodka,
Your tongue’s bittersweet taste,
I’ve put myself to waste,
Please cure my heart’s mistakes.
With vodka,

Vodka,

Vodka,

Vodka.

(Danceable instrumental part fades into heartbeats)

I,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t see… straight,
You words are in my chest,
They eat me up,
Eat my soul,
Leave me empty,
And sick,
I poisoned my body for my soul.

[Miguelrye89]

What I like most about this is the imagery. The only thing I would take out as of right now is the "with vodka" at the end of what I assumed to be the chorus. After I read it a few more times I shall critique again, but over all I like the direction it's going in.

[Helena4]

Thanks for the reply, Miguelrye89. Yes that is the chorus. Sorry I never really label things. I see what you mean about the "with vodka" bit. The chorus seems to end quite well without it. But I sort of wanted it to not end cleanly... to keep going and come back to the vodka... everything about the song is shrouded in drunkeness and more and more and more vodka. I'm thinking that the re-opening of the chorus with that extra line will lead to an instrumental hook to round off the chorus.

This is the song that I had 3 different versions that I mentioned in your thread btw. The first was a more simple acoustic thing with a fast pace and a catchy but more narrative chorus. The second was a pained ballad improvised over a track of a heartbeating, and is where the opening and closing parts come from. Then this one came about simply with the "Vodka, Get me on ya..."etc chorus part and and the "There's vodka in my tears.." part and the idea of a dark dance song. I was drawn back into it recently months after those three versions came into existance and actually pulled these various ideas into a proper song.

Please do give it another read and see what else you think about it! I really would like to hear any opinions.

[PaulAds]

Hello, Helena

This is very interesting...there's a great sense of adventure and a kind of "screw tomorrow" feel to it - which I'd imagine would be ideal for club/dance music.

The two tiny things that jarred me a little were the "you cow" phrase and the "horny" line...but I'm an old fool

A really spirited, confident lyric, full of, ermm ...balls (!)

great stuff!

[Helena4]

Hello, Helena

This is very interesting...there's a great sense of adventure and a kind of "screw tomorrow" feel to it - which I'd imagine would be ideal for club/dance music.

The two tiny things that jarred me a little were the "you cow" phrase and the "horny" line...but I'm an old fool

A really spirited, confident lyric, full of, ermm ...balls (!)

great stuff!

Yep... the you cow thing was sort of stuffed in there to make it flow a bit but, yes it sticks out doesn't it. I need to iron that out. The horny thing was pretty much a quote from the night, but yes, just because real doesn't mean it needs to be there if it doesn't fit. I think it could fit in but where it is it is a slightly sudden change of tone. These things I might rethink.

I'm glad you find it interesting, and you get that confident and ballsy tone. I do try and make up for my lack of real balls with metaphorical ones haha. I really appreciate your comments. I think it has a lot of layers. It states what it has to say confidently and has no shame. But the character is not really that confident in themselves, they are sort of tragic and run after comfort in sex and vodka with this sort of "fuck tommorow" attitude, but all it does is poison them. Or, er, me that is.

[diademgrove]

Hi Helena,

my general impression was the song is a love song to Vodka not Zoe. The rejection in the song for me is the effects of drinking Vodka not working forcing you to find solace elsewhere whilst still hungering after vodka.

Feel free to ignore my thoughts if you disagree.

Overall I thought your lyrics are good.

Keith

ps I'll have another listen to some of Shiina Ringo later today and post my thoughts in the introduction thread.

[Helena4]

Hi Helena,

my general impression was the song is a love song to Vodka not Zoe. The rejection in the song for me is the effects of drinking Vodka not working forcing you to find solace elsewhere whilst still hungering after vodka.

Feel free to ignore my thoughts if you disagree.

Overall I thought your lyrics are good.

Keith

ps I'll have another listen to some of Shiina Ringo later today and post my thoughts in the introduction thread.

If you look carefully there are 5 characters in this story:
1. me, the narrator
2. The friend at the beginning, who I adress and want attention from
3. Zoe, who I have previously expressed a crush on in another song, but who I do not adress - she is not the focus, she simply appears to mess up my fun with the friend (2).
4. The stranger, who I adress for most of the rest of the song and whom I take solace in.
5. Vodka, I suppose.

I like that you have found an alternative interpretation, and I think that is actually totally valid. The idea that, to paraphrase you, the effects of vodka are not working and that I try to seek solace elsewhere while still hungering after vodka, is totally a layer of the song. Vodka is critical, it is a main player, it drives the whole narrative through in the direction its going and determines the tone of the song. However, I dispute that it is a love song to vodka. It's not a love song to anything.

The line "two-timing chocolate crusha" describes how I have two crushes. I have explained my one on the friend in the first verse, and the one on Zoe in another song. But it is not a love song to either of them. When I say "I wish I never loved her", which one am I talking about? I don't even know, nobody knows. Vodka shrouds everything, vodka comes back time and time again, but its almost in the way of the other ideas, and in the end it poisons me - I do not love it either. The stranger is a last resort after rejection from all other sources. I look for a cure and a hiding place in them, but this is all driven by the poisonous vodka by this point. It's a downwards spiral.

I don't know what I would call it, but I do not think it's a love song to anybody. I do like your interpretation though, I am sort of aiming for a clear narrative, but a great sense of confusion over what I really want. I would like some people to come out of it thinking I love the friend, others that I love Zoe, others that I the thing I want most is more vodka and others that it is just carnal desires driving the whole thing and that's how I end up with the stranger. Nobody knows which one it is... do I know which one it is? I am not even sure. But in writing it, it was never really a love song to anybody.

[Sing4me88]

I like this one. I think I kinda 'get' where you are coming from concept wise with this and the vibe feel you are going for. As a 'read' lyrics are always kinda trick but your description really helps me 'connect' with them.

The structure is really interesting - it flows really well and there's some nice changes to keep it interesting. I think there's two major contrasts; the complexity of the verse lyrics with their rich imagery, metaphors etc and then the simplicity of the chorus lyrics. I can imagine this being a dance EDM Pop anthem fo'sure. That 'Vodka' hook could be insanely catchy if tempered right melodically and musically. I also think the conversational simplicity of the next three lines reinforces that and have an anthemic feel about them and then the 'Vodka' hook is reinforced again.

As a lyric is tots on fleek and getting a 'listen' to it as a song or a simple topline would be great

[Helena4]

I like this one. I think I kinda 'get' where you are coming from concept wise with this and the vibe feel you are going for. As a 'read' lyrics are always kinda trick but your description really helps me 'connect' with them.

The structure is really interesting - it flows really well and there's some nice changes to keep it interesting. I think there's two major contrasts; the complexity of the verse lyrics with their rich imagery, metaphors etc and then the simplicity of the chorus lyrics. I can imagine this being a dance EDM Pop anthem fo'sure. That 'Vodka' hook could be insanely catchy if tempered right melodically and musically. I also think the conversational simplicity of the next three lines reinforces that and have an anthemic feel about them and then the 'Vodka' hook is reinforced again.

As a lyric is tots on fleek and getting a 'listen' to it as a song or a simple topline would be great

Thanks, mate. Yes, I had a lot to say, but I really wanted to focus on making the chorus catchy and fun and not flowery, so that it could be the sort of thing you might wanna actually play at a party, since it's about a party, and so that there were interesting layers to the song as you pointed out.

I have an idea of how it sounds in my head, and I've been singing it recently so I've got that vocal part down. I do wish I had the equipment or skills with electronic music to put it together (I play the guitar...). I spend a lot of time writing stuff that never gets to become anything because I am poor and bandless haha. This is my masterpeice though, so I will be holding onto it for when I have the ability to put it together.

[Sing4me88]

 I spend a lot of time writing stuff that never gets to become anything because I am poor and bandless haha. This is my masterpeice though, so I will be holding onto it for when I have the ability to put it together.

Download some free software like Audacity and have a bit of a play about with it. You can enter guitar notes in midi in the software itself. Won't take you long to get to grips with it and it's also pretty fun. I say this as a lyricist with no music theory or instrument plying background but who nonetheless likes to play about with bass lines and drum beats the odd time.

Being poor and bandless does indeed suck and I share your pain but in addition to being poor and bandless I am also completely talentless too....

[Helena4]

Download some free software like Audacity and have a bit of a play about with it. You can enter guitar notes in midi in the software itself. Won't take you long to get to grips with it and it's also pretty fun. I say this as a lyricist with no music theory or instrument plying background but who nonetheless likes to play about with bass lines and drum beats the odd time.

Being poor and bandless does indeed suck and I share your pain but in addition to being poor and bandless I am also completely talentless too....

Thanks for the tips, shall try. I don't beleive in talentless. My singing was pretty shitty until I looked up proper advice from vocal coaches on youtube and practiced... and pretty much everyone thinks that singing is bloody inate. Then again I could sing better when I was young I just lost it. Playing the guitar, I see nothing inate about it. I pretty much beleive I can learn to do anything... I taught myself Japanese because I just did it. I make myself sound like a go-getter, but I'm not really. I'm shy, so I go for things I can do without leaving my house haha. But I yeah, I don't beleive in most people's idea of talent.

[diademgrove]

If you look carefully there are 5 characters in this story:
1. me, the narrator
2. The friend at the beginning, who I adress and want attention from
3. Zoe, who I have previously expressed a crush on in another song, but who I do not adress - she is not the focus, she simply appears to mess up my fun with the friend (2).
4. The stranger, who I adress for most of the rest of the song and whom I take solace in.
5. Vodka, I suppose.

For me there are only four characters. The friend is vodka. I read the lyrics as Zoe getting the buzz from vodka that you used to get.

I understand your explanation but the beauty of songs is that once they become public they become public property and give rise to many different interpretations. I once knew someone who thought Purple Haze by Hendrix was about a purple umbrella.

For me the whole song is an address to vodka (the strangers and Zoe are only on the periphery, which is why I said it is a love song. Love can be wonderful, but it can also be poisonous.

Keith

[Helena4]

For me there are only four characters. The friend is vodka. I read the lyrics as Zoe getting the buzz from vodka that you used to get.

I understand your explanation but the beauty of songs is that once they become public they become public property and give rise to many different interpretations. I once knew someone who thought Purple Haze by Hendrix was about a purple umbrella.

For me the whole song is an address to vodka (the strangers and Zoe are only on the periphery, which is why I said it is a love song. Love can be wonderful, but it can also be poisonous.

Keith

Fair enough, I quite like that interpretation really. I like that I've created something that be interpreted in different ways. Its quite interesting to look at it from different angles myself. Love can be wonderful but can also be poisonous, is definitely a relevant statement. "And sick" at the end is from emotion as much as vodka.