[Arkwright]

I'd like to present my latest offering for consideration and review. I'm generally happy with my efforts but not sure about the chorus. I think it follows the narrative but somehow feels disconnected from the verses.  I'm also not sure if it works better in the third person as I've written it or in the first person. Anyway, I'm sure the talented among you will put me straight  

EDIT: After everyones helpful comments this is now an edited pretty much final version, just in case people reading my opening statement are in any way confused.

Bare Foot Shuffle

VERSE 1
As the cruel wind tumbles
Fallen sidewalk leaves
On silent streets he wanders
While everybody sleeps

VERSE 2
And the rain falls like tears
All the birds have flown
In a world full of strangers
He's a long way from home

CHORUS
Hides his pride in a doorway
While he hustles for a dime
When he's woken by the bustle of
Rich folk stood in line
Gotta do the bare foot shuffle
One more time
Gotta do that bare foot shuffle
One more time

VERSE 3
Clouds of feather pillows
Tease his weary soul
Snow falls in quiet whisper
And blankets him in cold

VERSE 4
Somber eyes hold a story
His lips are longing to tell
When no one stops to listen
He bids a fond farewell

CHORUS
 
BRIDGE
No work... No money
No love... No food
No blues that could walk
In those soulless shoes

CHORUS

[seriousfun]

This is a great lyric. Really liked it. Works very well in third person.

The chorus, yes its disconnected. I think its the first line that sets up the disconnection as it suggests an abrupt change of mood. I know that once you read into the lyric it all makes sense and follows the mood but in isolation, and that how it hits as lines are delivered one at a time, it appears to be at odds. He goes from a sad soul to a happy dancer ( or at least perceived as such for a line or two ). Another odd thing I noted in the chorus is that you have two words shuffle and bustle that rhym on lines 2 and 3 and the rhyme is sogood but in such a peculiar place thato they create a jarring effect. The third thing I notice with the chorus is that the hook line is delivered in line 2. Personally, I would use the chorus to set it up and delivery it on the last line for maximum effect. Its a strong hook, a strong line and delivered on the last line of the chorus you may even get the opportunity to repeat it, dependent on the music. You could certainly used it multiple times in the outro if required.

In essence, i like all of what you have written in the chorus I just dont think it works in the current order. I will give some thought to it and see if I can offer an alternate as an example to what I mean.

Allan.

[Arkwright]

Thanks for your comments Allan... I'm pleased in a masochistic sort of way that your as dissatisfied with the chorus as I am.

I agree with all your observations and any suggestions would be most welcome.

[Arkwright]

I've just found my original sribblings for the chorus and they went something like this

Hides his pride in a doorway
While he hustles for a dime
When he's woken by the bustle
Of rich folk stood in line

I was then left with the line "bare foot Shuffle" that I was desiderate  to use but couldn't make it work with the above.

It also followed the same rhyming scheme as the verses which I wanted to avoid.

[seriousfun]

I like the original lines, they flow well and fit with verse. You could just add two more lines,

And on the ice cold walk,
He starts his barefoot shuffle.

This would get your hookline in at the optimum location. It would lose the dancing line unfortunately, but it would give more creedence to the shuffle by tying it to the cold ground, so pluses and minuses there. At the same time you get an additional rhyme on the 3 and the 6 which takes it away from the verse rhyme scheme.

Hopefully, this is of some help in moving the lyric forward. Use or lose as you see fit.

Allan.

[Paulski]

Hi Arkwright

Good feeling of desolation throughout this one. Well, by good I mean well expressed  
A couple of things came to mind first read - I think the first line of the chorus is the one that interrupts the mood and it's the word "dancing" that is the offender. It's too happy a word. Even "dance" would be less happy, or I suppose "macabre (wrong adjective) dance" - i.e. maybe use an adjective that sucks the fun out of the word "dance" somehow. Easier said than done.

The other nit I had was "Sad eyes". I would rather you had said "weary eyes" or another descriptive adjective that implied "sad". That's just a personal thing though.

Anyway, better get back to doing the music for that song I promised this guy...
Nice work!
Paul

[Arkwright]

 Thanks Paul, I'll have a look at the sad eyes line. I think I'd gotten a bit lazy by that stage and opted for the obvious.

I'm playing with Allan's suggestion for the chorus at the moment, but may return to the original if people feel the only offending line is the first one.

I like that you're taking a while with the music fur China White, as that implies is going to be a stellar composition 

[Arkwright]

I've had a look at your suggestion Allan, but just can't seem to get it to work for me.

I think Paul might be right in that it's the first line of the chorus that's causing the biggest problem, so I've changed it to see if that works any better.

Again, all thoughts welcome...

[Paulski]

I like the replacement line - not sure about starting it with "And" but I suppose that would be optional (could be "As" or "Oh" in places) Now he seems like a sad faced clown performing for the amusement of the crowd which underlines the pathos IMHO.

Paul

[Arkwright]

I think someone could take license on the opening word Paul and use whatever works...

[Vintage54]

     Hides his pride in a doorway
     While he hustles for a dime
     When he's woken by the bustle
     Of rich folk stood in line
     Gotta do that bare foot shuffle
     Do it one more time

     Does that work, i dont know? just a suggestion. Difficult one to solve, maybe it will give you an idea anyhow. Love the rest though, damn good.

                              Vintage54
     

[Arkwright]

You might be onto something there Vintage, I'm liking what you've done...

Might just need a couple of minor tweaks, let me see what I can do.

[seriousfun]

Yeah its a hard one to finish. Sonically I think Vintages suggestion is superior to mine, but with mine the hook is better placed in the last line. The sound of shuffle, to end the chorus is just not working so the compromise might be to place it like Vintage has.  

I presume it will be recorded to a shuffle beat?

[Arkwright]

I presume it will be recorded to a shuffle beat?

Two minor flaws to that idea Allan... Firstly I don't know what a Shuffle beat is and secondly it's unlikely to get recorded at all. I just churn out lyrics and stick them in a file for posterity. Every now and then some kind talented soul approaches me and asks if they can compose some music and record the odd one, but in the main they never see the light of day.

[seriousfun]

I think i have the closing line for you, and I wouldnt have got it if it wasnt for Vintage

     Hides his pride in a doorway
     While he hustles for a dime
     When he's woken by the bustle
     Of rich folk stood in line
     Gotta do that bare foot shuffle
     Shuffle one more time

   

Allan.