The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: ThomasThomas on October 23, 2018, 06:22:32 PM
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&t=4s
Let me try something new
Let me breathe in another way than
this is not keeping me up
and I so wanna touch the sky
I'm stuck in this town on my own
I follow the line
and I'll say that you're mine
I'm scared and you always know why
I'm tired today but tomorrow we'll say
Goodbye for now
away to empty strands
and we will be as free
as rain falls into the sea
Could we talk like the trees?
Could we touch as the wind unfold the leaves?
When we walk side by side
could it be like it once began?
I'm working and sleeping all the day
I don't wanna try and I'm not asking why
the colours you painted our rooms,
you talk, never stop
make me fall from the top
Goodbye...
Make me try something new
make me breathe in another way than
this is not keeping me up
and I so wanna touch the sky
Your answers prepared every time
it's always the same
like a silly old game
I want to go driving alone
I don't wanna know
where to look, where to go
Goodbye...
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Hi Thomas, I really like the piano melody. This is just me (and what do I know) but I find the tempo to be really, really slow. I appreciate it is a 'slow' song and all that.
The line 'away to empty strands' doesn't fit for me, i'd change the 'strands' to 'lands' maybe to make more sense. Sorry if i'm sounding overly critical, I just believe in honest feedback. (I get enough of it lol)
Your voice is fine, the piano chords progression is lovely and I like the story that the lyrics tell. I've subscribed to your Youtube.
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Hi Thomas. I really enjoyed the listen. I thought that the piano/ vocal combination worked really well and you've obviously thought about this a lot as your key change is really effective. Personally I would cut one verse out but other than that I thought it was a great listen and has huge potential :)
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Hi Thomas,
really nice tune, stripped back and very cool.
Lovely smooth vocal, For me I would have made the chorus have more of a hook line and maybe repeat it in the chorus too.
eg.
Goodbye for now
and we will be as free
Goodbye for now
as rain falls into the sea
But, Mate, Lovely easy listen here and its your tune, so love what you have there.
Top work.
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Blimey @ThomasThomas (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22230) this is a really nice song.
My first snap feeling was ' Yip,, I could do something with this, make the piano sound like Lennon, or put some verb on the Vox etc etc....' but I think that's it's strength, I'd keep it just as it is, the melody, playing and vocal delivery are are all perfect for the the song.
A real treat to the ears, I can see why @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) digs it, as he delivers in the same sort of way, simple but very effective.
Thanks
Rich
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Lots of emotion and intenseness in the song that takes a while to get going and has a touch of Radiohead about it but without the production that would bring it up a level or two...gets a boring if i'm honest because its just the piano - but i think a few extra different instruments in it would help it a along a bit....nice voice
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Thank you all for your great comments!
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So, I'm a bit late to the party and don't really have much to add as @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) already put words to my thoughts but I still wanted to pop by and say: well done!
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Wow that is a lovely melody you have the basis of there and some nice keyboard work. Natural and heartfelt vocals. I think the melody needs some work to make it more interesting and less meandering. Potential is there.
M
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Very fine and nice melody but I also thought it is too slow. It's not much too slow but the song will benefit from a bit more tempo. All in all I enjoyed listening.
Regards Alexander
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https://soundcloud.com/user-529584033/goodbye-for-now1
Thank you for the really useful comments! I took up your advice about the tempo and tried to make a new more "upbeat" version
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I like slow songs, and if they also have a piano, better than better and although your song is sad, it corresponds to the color of the piano.
It's this part "
"Goodbye for now
away to empty strands
and we will be as free
as rain falls into the sea "
the one that I liked the most, although I think like @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324), it would make more sense to your letter.
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Hi Thomas - really sad and unique lyrics - the "breathe in another way" and the "rain into the sea" are great.
I have to say I preferred the original - the second seems too rushed and the piano too pubby...
I'd keep the first version, look at cutting a couple of minutes and if you have access to anything, experimenting with some different instrumentation (I hear something woody, not strings but that may be just me).
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Hi Tompa!
I saw your song 'Take my hand' and thought it was the first song you posted in the forum, but when I dug a bit I found this nugget.
It has a strong Nick Drake vibe, and that can be good, but his songs often linger in heroin induced transcendence, making them quite spiritual.
As earlier posts implied this song might need to get a bit better in shape. It has lots of good, strong stuff in it but boiling down the lyrics, getting a less boomy piano sound some reverb on the vox would reveal detail and also a more dynamic song.
Well done!
Martin