The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on July 17, 2018, 12:31:31 AM
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Hi guys,
I'm thinking of applying for a fellowship grant through my local government, and have to submit three solo songs. What do you think about this one?
Thanks so much for your feedback. It will be really helpful.
Oh, there's a swear word. Sorry. Haha.
Lynn
New version here:
Listen to The Caged Bird version 2 by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/the-caged-bird-version-2
Listen to the caged bird by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/the-caged-bird
Through the bars the future looks so clear
She doesn't know there's a pain of glass in there
It seems like time just passes through like light
Maybe soon she will take a flight
But the caged bird can't fly
The caged bird only wonders why
The sun rises every day
But still she can't fly away
In the dark the room becomes a maze
As shadows fall, an unfamiliar gaze
He thought that he could save his little dove
But he was trapped inside his own cage of love
And the caged bird can't fly
The caged bird only wonders why
The sun rises every day
But still she can't fly away
Through the bars the future looks so clear
Like time has stopped the hour, the day, the year
But cages can't hold in her songs of love
She sings to him, he hears his little dove
The caged bird can sing
Cages can't hold everything
Can't stop the future being bright
Can't stop her ****** dreams of flight
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I really like the lyrics.
The performance is almost too smooth for me to really bite.
the vocals are pleasant, sound a bit like backing vocals.
(You are obviously talented.
Forgive me if I'm sounding too harsh, it's early and after discovering I'd lost my train ticket,
I settled down to my unpleasant journey with my kindl book by Nietszche)
there's an understated insight there, it's a relatable theme.
Rock on!
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Reckon this is a very good song, really like the lyrics, 2 probs for me though, it doesn't develop mucvh and the guitar sounds like it's in another room, still enjoyed listening to it though, so must be a goodun! :)
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Hi Lynn - very nice lyrics - so true that birds don't see glass, and a great metaphor for those dreaming of another life.
I would have to say: it's a bit melodically unadventurous - the melody is quite plain and seems to follow the chords extremely closely - I don't want to hear forced jumps of course but when we're talking about birds singing then some runs and other chord tones should work well.
Don't know how modern your local government is, but probably they'd prefer a radio edit without the "****" word! (Actually I quite like it here for the effect - it does give us another perspective on the sweet harmless little bird's interior life and frustrations...)
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Hi Lynn,
As it is, it’s a lovely and well written song. You sing it very well and I like the guitar....I do feel though that it could be possibly even better with a few little additions. I would love a bridge of some sort at 2 mins, I just feel something different needs to happen there before that verse, even something very small, two lines perhaps? Anyway, maybe u tried that and it didn’t blow your hair back. ;D
Mix wise, I actually had no issue with the guitar, I just wasn’t sure if the lead vocal would sound better straight up the middle, with the ahhhs panned either side....I’m not saying it’s wrong, u know what YOU like :D it’s just an observation is all.
Like I said, you’ve done a fab job and I can’t see how this wouldn’t get you where you wanna go. ;D
Best of luck!
Leo
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Really like the concept, great idea for a song. Enjoyed it but have a couple of suggestions.
The melody is a bit predictable for me. Each line starts at the beat as the previous one, so your ear starts to expect it and it becomes less interesting.
You should try making a point of having the third line in the verses and/or chorus star later, maybe come in on an off-beat.
If your melody working it undermines the great ideas in your lyrics.
The other thought was the BVs are placed over the top on the vocals, the ahhs happen at the same time at the main vocal. Then there is a bar with just guitar afterwards. It would seem better to add the Ahhs in that gap, and not have them overlapping the main vocal which can detract from the main vocal.
Overall it is really nice but with a few tweaks I think could be a good deal stronger. But that is your call of course! :)
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The melody is a bit predictable for me. Each line starts at the beat as the previous one, so your ear starts to expect it and it becomes less interesting.
You should try making a point of having the third line in the verses and/or chorus star later, maybe come in on an off-beat.
If your melody working it undermines the great ideas in your lyrics.
This video that @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) posted is really helpful in working your melodies into a more interesting shape
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNBiLBQrKrnvwcVRD5fS8aA (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNBiLBQrKrnvwcVRD5fS8aA)
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Thanks so much for all your thoughtful responses. Hopefully I can rework it in time for the fellowship application.
Thanks Rightly. I didn't think you sounded harsh. I appreciate the words. Enjoy the Nietzsche. Haha.
Thanks Kevin. I swear the guitar was in the room I was playing it in. I see your point. I mixed this myself and didn't know what I was doing.
Thanks Adam. Interesting observation about the melody reflecting the bird. I'll think about that. My local government is very liberal. I'll leave the word.
Thanks Leo. I think you're right about the bridge and centering the lead vox.
Thanks tboswell. I'll watch the video later. Hopefully it will help.
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Yo redrhodie.
Was the line 'pain of glass' a typo? I hope not,because I kind of like the odd connotations it brings to my weird mind. :)
I can't fault the lyrics at all Lynn,great imagery and powerful.
I'm in the camp of wanting the melodic content to go somewhere,or vary a little. I think what you have works well for a little while,then perhaps a little variation before dropping back into what ya got.
The repeating melody line contains an air of anger/menace,so it would be a mistake to lose it altogether,just a variation to allow it to stand out?
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Hi redrhodie
Nice tune, vocal were nice out wide but I think someone else said, maybe a variation in the vocal melody to take the song to another level at times.
Lovely vocal tone too, That guitar is waaaaaaaay back, Forgive me if that's what you were goin for.
Structure wise is ok, sometimes the dark repetition of lines conjurers up a dark emotion so can fault that if that's the intention.
Great work.
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Yo redrhodie.
Was the line 'pain of glass' a typo? I hope not,because I kind of like the odd connotations it brings to my weird mind. :)
I can't fault the lyrics at all Lynn,great imagery and powerful.
I'm in the camp of wanting the melodic content to go somewhere,or vary a little. I think what you have works well for a little while,then perhaps a little variation before dropping back into what ya got.
The repeating melody line contains an air of anger/menace,so it would be a mistake to lose it altogether,just a variation to allow it to stand out?
I don't know weather to admit I meant pain instead of pane. I'm waying it over. Haha.
Thanks for the very kind words about the lyrics. Always appreciate your feedback. I might be taking some of the advice given here. Maybe. Haha.
Hi redrhodie
Nice tune, vocal were nice out wide but I think someone else said, maybe a variation in the vocal melody to take the song to another level at times.
Lovely vocal tone too, That guitar is waaaaaaaay back, Forgive me if that's what you were goin for.
Structure wise is ok, sometimes the dark repetition of lines conjurers up a dark emotion so can fault that if that's the intention.
Great work.
Thanks so much. I mixed this myself, and have much to learn, so no, it wasn't intentional to have the guitar so far back. I was probably trying to cover up something. Haha. I wouldn't put it past me.
Thanks again everyone. I'm working on this one again. Stay tuned...
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I really like the lyrics - I would have liked a bit more variety - a bit to one flat (sorry ) I woukd have liked a bit more ooomphh to go with it
But good lyrics
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I really like the lyrics - I would have liked a bit more variety - a bit to one flat (sorry ) I woukd have liked a bit more ooomphh to go with it
But good lyrics
Thanks Katie! Glad to see you back! Hope you're feeling well. I'm reworking this, so hopefully it will work better. Thanks for commenting. I'm really pleased you like the lyrics.
Lynn
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Hi Lynn
You've already got some good advice - I just wanted to chime in to say I loved the lyrics and the innocence of the vocals.
Made me really feel for that caged bird - poor soul! ;D
Paul
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Yes, this is lovely Lynn. It exudes an innocence. Some great imagery. Cool song
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Hi Lynn
I like the lyrics a lot, could become a really nice song, I agree with what has already been said about more variety and the guitar sound, but overall a good song.
Cheers, Mikey
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Hi Lynn,
The lyrics are the highlight here - top notch. Not much else I can add to the advice you've been given. This forum is great for gently pushing you along in a supportive way and it's always a learning curve as is everything worthwhile. You have all the tools to take this to the next level.
M
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Thanks Paul, John, Mikey, Alan (how's the puppy? ;)), and everyone else for your thoughts and insight. I've put a lot of your advice into action and remade it. It's being mastered and I'll post it when it's done. I'd love to hear if I got what you were saying, and if you think it's better.
Thanks again,
Lynn
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I think the next versions will be fabulous!
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Hi guys,
I took a lot of your advice and reworked this one. Please let me know if you like it better. Thanks Keith for mixing, and thanks Rightly for the idea for the bridge, and the restructuring. It's a bit different. I hope you like it.
Listen to The Caged Bird version 2 by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/the-caged-bird-version-2
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Hello
The vocals work really well - I like the natural compression and doubling effect.
I would like to hear something to break it up a bit like a flute or subtle piano.
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Hi there, I like your guitar picking and harmonic singing.
I have read the comments above about the lack of variety, and understand that and I think that's maybe because each line of the verse carries the same melody. In the chorus, you use three lines the same melodically (roughly) but then lift it on the fourth line and this is nice ear candy. That said, the repetitive element is kind of hypnotic too.
Interesting artist - I will check out more of your stuff!
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Hi there, I like your guitar picking and harmonic singing.
I have read the comments above about the lack of variety, and understand that and I think that's maybe because each line of the verse carries the same melody. In the chorus, you use three lines the same melodically (roughly) but then lift it on the fourth line and this is nice ear candy. That said, the repetitive element is kind of hypnotic too.
Interesting artist - I will check out more of your stuff!
I agree with Michaela here.
I'm fine with the repetitive melody.
With this there's a build up of tension and eventually there's release.
Excellent lyrics and resonating theme.
Living in Cages, the more you think of it the further you get with it.
Living in a society cages are absolutely necessary, but too much can be fatal to the spirit.
Also excercising self restraint, to hold back from expedient gratification and rewards because you're after something better.
It's a very fine song.
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Thanks @Featherstone (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21146) , @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) , and @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) . Really appreciate your feedback. Thanks also to @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) for listening to both and commenting on SC. It's very helpful.
Lynn