Song Lyric: The Flying Dutchman Looking for feedback.

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hardtwistmusic

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« on: March 29, 2014, 01:47:58 AM »
It's NOT as long as it reads.  Comes in at 3 minutes 40 seconds.  A little long... but not so bad.

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Wrote this as a poem initially, then eventually set it to music.  An English artist named Maria Barham was going to develop it, but never got the time.  Maria is a marvelous artist and I strongly endorse her.  She can be found on Reverbnation.  

Anyway... this was a fun, but difficult write.  Spent more than six months coming back to it and changing little bits of it.  It's a fun/sad song.  For those too young to know this, the "Flying Dutchman is NOT the silly and/or evil ship you remember from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie.  

The "Dutchman" is a ghost ship doomed to slip in and out of our reality just to keep up the hopes of her ghost crew that they can somehow return permanently to our reality and their homes.  The false hope is the true tragedy of the Flying Dutchman.  


THE FLYING DUTCHMAN  


From the corner of your eye,
you catch a fleeting glimpse of grey.
What it is you think you saw, you can’t exactly say.
There’s a creaking moan you hear but can’t identify.  
The hair stands up on the back of your neck.  
Oh why, oh why, oh why?
                                                                                    
The fearful moon hides behind the clouds
afraid to light the sea and sky.
And the Dutchmen stalks the nightmares of
every man afraid to die.    

She’s the flying Dutchman....
on her voyage through eternity.
T'ward a harbor she will never reach,
a home she’ll never see.
                                                                                    
She’s the phantom sailing ship
On a voyage of the Damned. .  
Fading in and out of our reality -- through eternity,  
tryin to  find a place to make a stand.

        
Through the fog you almost see
a patch of flashing canvas white.
But the moon comes out and the water is
still  empty, clear and bright.
  
And a chill runs up and down your spine
cause  something’s just not right.
Cause there’s nothing else on the water tonight,
just  the moonlight and our fears.

It's the flying dutchman’s legacy
through all these many years.  

Your never sure you see her...  
but your still not sure you  don’t.
She’s a will o the wisp, a phantom shrouded
in clouds of misty smoke.  
                                                                                    
Sometimes you see her on the water ...
sometimes you'll  see her in the sky....
And you know her by that creaking moan
you can’t identify.  

She’s the flying Dutchman....
on her voyage through eternity.
T'ward a harbor she will never reach,
a home she’ll never see.
                                                                                    
She’s the phantom sailing ship
On a voyage of the damned.
With a crew of long lost souls.  
Fading in and out of our reality.
for eternity... trying to find a place to make a stand.    

  
And when you’re on the water,
and you hear that creaking moan.
It’s just the flying Dutchman trying to get home.  

Sometimes you see her on the water.  
Sometimes you'll see her in the sky.
And you know her by that creaking moan
you can’t identify.  


There ain't no hope for her lost souls....
no harbor is her home
No  hope for her to ever rest...  
forever doomed to roam.
                                                                                    
Cause she's the flying dutchman
She's just trying to get home.
                                                                        
« Last Edit: April 05, 2014, 08:04:29 PM by hardtwistmusic »
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

EattheChildren

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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2014, 05:34:51 AM »
Beautifully written, and the imagery is second to none. I love the feeling of false hope that's given off by the entire song. I think I need to hear it with music to fully understand the rhythm, however. It reads as a poem very well, however. Great job, as always, Verlon!

Jess

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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2014, 08:33:15 AM »
This is so cool! I'm not going to lie, normally I skip all the historical lyrics because I don't understand them, but weirdly I felt a relationship (excuse the pun ;D) with this ship and it's story and think it made a great lyric.
I think part two of the chorus could be revisited. The first four lines are so sharp and well structured and then the second half seems a little less defined- structure and flow wise?
"When writing a song, if your afraid to suck, you'll never write a note" -Jeff Boyle

Dutchbeat

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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2014, 04:59:03 PM »
i also felt triggerd by the title, for some reason  ;D ;D ;D

but seriously
great lyrics, the lines run very well
and they sound gloomy and powerful, this can fit various situations
i think

Paulski

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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2014, 11:45:35 PM »
Really liked this one Verlon.
Lots of great lines and phrasing.
I did think that "With a harbor" could be "T'ward a harbor" but maybe that's too Canadian hehe
and maybe "find a place to make her stand" to keep the personification going.

Nice one!
Paul


hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2014, 03:40:45 AM »
Thanks to all who commented.  In the next few days, I'll post the music with vocals and see if the concerns with the chorus remain.  This is soooooo fascinating.  I can never tell which lyrics are going to draw these positive responses. 

Fascinating AND very very valuable.  Thanks again to all of you. 

I am SO pleased that this also speaks to young audience.  I wasn't sure it would.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2014, 04:00:32 AM »

I did think that "With a harbor" could be "T'ward a harbor" but maybe that's too Canadian hehe


Noted and done.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

JonnyD

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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2014, 10:11:13 AM »
I loved this, the lyrics painted a very vivid picture - I can see how it originated as a poem. look forward to hearing it :)
Was a snowman in a past life

Gwyneth Rose

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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2014, 10:45:48 AM »
This is awesome, totally up my alley ;D
You put me right there with almost tangible
imagery. So interesting, that this expanded from
a poem originally. (Same with My Dragon)
Can't wait to hear the completed song. Bravo!!
Poet and Lyricist always looking to collaborate. Write mostly out the box lyrics in most genres.
Amateur model, painter, love ceramics and sculpture. Make teddy bears, do belly dancing and love gardening especially roses

benjo

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« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2014, 06:18:36 PM »

 really enjoyed this write

 I think this is your best to date for me
 some really great lines and story to this
 gives of the strong sense of being from a poem


 well done
 

mickeytwonames

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« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2014, 06:32:16 PM »
Great stuff - I'm a sailor and it rings true

I have a nautical suggestion for the last line of your chorus
Fading in and out of our reality -- through eternity, 
tryin to find a place to make a stand.

Trying to fix an anchor in the sand
Mickeytwonames
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Play like you die tonight,

PeeJay

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« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2014, 07:04:09 PM »
Another good write Verlon. You seem to have the knack!

Has a good folky feel. I thought the chorus was particularly strong.

Nice one,

Phil.
I don't know what i'm doing but i do it anyway.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2014, 04:27:12 AM »
I loved this, the lyrics painted a very vivid picture - I can see how it originated as a poem. look forward to hearing it :)

Thank you.  Everything I did when I first started out began as poems.  Now about half are music first.  This one came at a time when I was learning, and was one of the rare "lyric first" songs I was doing at the tmie.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2014, 04:29:10 AM »

You put me right there with almost tangible
imagery.

Can't wait to hear the completed song.

I intended to have it posted by last weekend.  Been working hard, and my energy isn't there for it. Hopefully Saturday.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2014, 04:31:33 AM »

  I think this is your best to date for me
 some really great lines and story to this
 gives of the strong sense of being from a poem
 

Thank you Tony:   This one surprised me a little.  Not that I didn't think it was good... but I thought it might be a bit dated for most people. Didn't think the kids would relate. 
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.