[Nellie]

Hello! This is a new piece I wrote. Please comment telling me what you think of it! Thank you for reading!

Funny

Midnight kisses and walking barefoot
Near the beach but you start to question
'Is this what's meant for me
Or are you just a medicine for tears?'


But we started laughing in the moonlight town
You forgot the question saying you've moved on
But there it was in your eyes I could see
Love is kinda funny that must be why you were
Laughing with me


Daylight stories and sipping coffee
In your favourite cafe
I kind of lose myself and shy away
'Cause you make me smile
And smile covers the pain


But we started laughing in the sunlight town
I thought there's more to know about you, I was curious
But there it was in my eyes it was easy to see
Love is kinda funny that must be why you were
Laughing with me


Moonlight and sunlight were colliding
We met again at the border of falling
What if this is another silly promise
Meet me there you'll show me what you've noticed

So I came prepared
And you almost forgot what to say
You smiled to hide the shame
I guess it was my blame
And your lips started moving
Those lines you said are the ones
that are now hurting


'We started laughing on the first night out
I forgot the question thinking you're the one
We started laughing when the sun shined bright
You asked some questions, you were afraid I lied
But there it was in our eyes we could see
Love is kinda funny, that must be why it was
Funny for you and me'

[titiami]

lyrically this is not strong enough, the rhyming scheme too is just too lazy, the chorus is good but not that captivating enough

[BooBoo]

Hmm I agree about the rhymes but I don't think all lyrics have to be all metaphors and similes ect, ect. I like the way yours tell a story. To make it stronger yes you could throw a few if those in, it would interest the reader/listener. Either way I think you have a really sweet way of writing and I quite enjoy your songs.

[Nellie]

titiami - Well, thank you for constructive criticism, I'll try to improve it!

BooBoo - Thank you! I'll try to work on that. Your comments always make me smile, thank you for reading!

[hardtwistmusic]

I just critiqued your other lyric --- which is quite a bit stronger than this one imo. 

What that says to me is that you had a more sure direction with that one. 

OR that you worked it harder to get it complete. 

This one is POTENTIALLY as good as  your other lyric... but needs more work imo. 

In my mind, any time some lyric or song isn't good... it's "just not done yet." 

I'd suggest coming back to this after not seeing it for a month, and tinkering.  You see things differently after some time away from a lyric/song.  You see it more like a stranger would. 

But DO keep writing.  And do keep submitting here.

[Nellie]

hardtwistmusic - Thank you for your comment, I'll follow your advice. Thank you for reading this one, too!