[Oli Dickinson]

I just wrote this at work. It's still a bit too fresh in my mind for me to tell if I like it or not. But in for a penny; in for a pound. It's a song about feeling awful about being unable to return somebody's feelings for you. Despite caring for them a great deal. It has a working title of "Scavenge".

I need a piano in my office...

We went for dinner in a little Italian joint,
A door in a wall off the main stretch of Belvoir Street.
I hadn't realised by how far I'd missed the point
And when you explained, it was hard to believe it.

We grabbed a taxi to take us to alcohol
And you found a corner away from the floor.
Outside it was snowing, and Soviet astronauts
Walked in the footprints we'd left there before.

Circling issues like scavengers waiting,
The first one to strike gets a meal from the dying.
The motion was carried. And I was left hating
Myself for the times that I hadn't been trying.

I spent the next day embracing a coffee cup.
I spent the night going down on a cigarette.
I sat in the lamplight. I drank. And I conjured up
Reasons why I wasn't ready to love you yet.

Midnight, or thereabouts, I missed your phone call.
I didn't return it. I walked to your door.
The look in your Laika-like eyes said it all
And I'm still so sorry I didn't say more.

Scavengers like me don't do the killing.
It's easy to sit down and wait for the wounded.
The world is so full of the lonely and willing,
But nobody made me feel sorry 'til you did.

[BooBoo]

This is really good. So far what you have is really good and flows well and tells the story. The only thing is the structure, are you thinking of having a clear chorus in it? I do think it would work well without one. Anyway it's a really good piece of work.

[benjo]

hey oli,

totally agree with booboo
some fresh lines there
going down on a cig never thought of it like that before it got a chuckle
grabbed a taxi to alcohol done that a few times
some really good twists on meanings enjoyed it...

[Sing4me88]

I'm liking this one. Loving the specificity of the opening lines with the actual street name making it seem very 'real' and relatable. I love the line about Soviet astronauts walking in the footprints in the snow- sheer brilliance. I think if you worked in a 2 line chorus to split every second verse this might flow a little better and have a bit more hook. But hey it is your song and that's just my 2 cents

[Dead Weight]

Hello Oli,

Really like this one.  It's real high-quality stuff.

Cleverly constructed verses, with no tenuously created rhyming couplets, this has been painstakingly put together.  And the story you tell really comes out too.

I suggest that you change the title to 'The Scavenger', so it puts a title to the story and the song.

Cheers 

[Oli Dickinson]

Hey hey hey!!

Thanks for all the lovely feedback. That's why we're here!!

I wasn't planning on having a chorus. More of a building chord progression (in a loop-pedal-esque kinda way) dropping away for the final stanza.

I tried to fit a melody to this one last night, but it wasn't happening.

Maybe it's doomed to live out it's days as poem.

Or maybe one day I'll come back to it and make it something more.

We'll see.

Thanks again!

Oli x

[GTB]

Looper - brilliant idea for this song!  It reads very well indeed and knowing it may get a loop-pedal style treatment makes the structure ok as is.  Call me thick, but I didn't get the 'soviet astranoughts' reference?
The last verse is excellent.
GTB