The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jambrains on January 17, 2017, 11:33:06 AM
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Woke up one morning and relized my eldest daugther will be 18 this summer. Had some songwriting therapy and ended up with this..
MonnoDb made a fantastic job helping me turn my initial draft of the lyrics into its current form and I owe her big time for that. So sort of yet another Jambrains/MonnoDb collab. :)
Mix will probably need some tweaks once I get some distance to it so any input regarding mix is extra much appreciated.
https://soundcloud.com/jambrains/until-it-is-time-to-part
UNTIL IT IS TIME TO PART
The very moment
you were born
You took my breath away
from that moment
I've cherished every day
I've tried to stand right by you
Without getting in your way
I know I'll have to let you go
but I yearn for you to stay
Don't walk ahead
I may not follow
Don't fall behind
I may not lead
Just take me by the hand
and walk beside me
I'll guide you
until it's time to part
Your world's wide open
skies are blue
There's nowhere you can’t go
and there's nothing
in this world you cannot do
I've taken every action
with your happiness in mind
I hope that now with hindsight
They will stand the test of time
Don't walk ahead
I may not follow
Don't fall behind
I may not lead
Just take me by the hand
and walk beside me
I'll guide you
until it's time to part
I've seen you bloom
Light every room
As the sands of time
were slipping through our fingers
Soon it's time for you
To walk alone
Please don't linger
because of me
Don't walk ahead
I may not follow
Don't fall behind
I may not lead
Just take me by the hand
and walk beside me
I'll guide you
until it's time to part
And when I cannot
walk any further
please don't you shed
a single tear
I'll still be by your side
as long as you remember
our time
before we had to part
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This brought a huge lump to my throat, having two daughters in the early stages of adulthood. Another lyric, and another song I wish I had written myself - I was really moved.
I think the production is very good. I have listened to it through three times now - I think you might want to try to make the chorus a little more distinct from the verses. I know you introduce harmonies but perhaps a little more instrumentation, or general expansion at the beginning of the first chorus. I appreciate the 'full band' come in at verse 2. Feel free to ignore, this is a great song.
Bill
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Lovely song and lyrics - good production as always.
Song flows nicely.
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Would this make a good wedding song? It might, I think. I have no nits; I love the words and I think the setting works well. I like the way you pronounce the words "guide you". Good job with that.
Have you considered dropping the word "you" from the line "Please don't you shed a single tear"? I think "Please don't shed a single tear" would work well there. Just a thought.
Vicki
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Hi!
Good song!
The music is great. I love that piano(?) sound. low passed and breaking up.
I think the vocals could be a bit louder and deserve a/another retake correcting
some small pitch issues 'You took my breath away' for example.
A song well worth some polishing.
Cheers,
- Martin
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Lovely sentiments and a lovely song Jambrains. The piano works very well and you have an interesting collage of sounds. I can't really fault it. I was sort of expecting a Jambrains guitar solo somewhere along the line :) Top work man
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Hey JB.
This is a song I can readily identify with. I have one son living in England and another recently left for Australia,just one daughter at 21 still remaining. It seems like last week I was picking them up from primary school....but it wasn't last week at all..
An emotive subject beautifully covered,the mix isn't a million miles away for me. The devil is in the detail.
You have a lovely tune right now,any other stuff is minor.
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Jambrains,
A lovely sentimental song. The production is great on this track but it's the meaning and honesty behind it that makes it fantastic. Have you played it to your daughter? I bet she'd love it!
Thanks for sharing,
Paul :)
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such lovely sentiments in the lyric ...& of course I know exactly what you are singing about as i am dreading when my sons all leave & the house is empty & quiet..
the arrangements were very sympathetic & done well ...I never attempt emotional ballads I find they are soooo difficult to pull off well
I wasnt sure about the unusual drum beats in chorus2 & 3 but they did break up the verse & chorus ….which i was going to say needed to be more different from each other after hearing the first chorus
I wanted strings to come in & not leave a dry eye in the auditorium...but its not a sad song realy is it...its a happy one of youngsters leaving the nest & finding independence :)
ok im saying that but not quite feeling it ;D
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Really nice! It's a lovely tune and you sound great! I like it a lot and the whole song seems just right to me.
The mix seems good. Maybe the drums/percussion are slightly distant... The only thing that bothered me was I heard a lot of crackles in the quiet parts. I think they're on the vocal recording? (unless it was something at my end).
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Hi,
Great, thoughtful true-life ballad, I haven't experienced the privilege of fatherhood but the song made me feel glad and sad at the same time that I have no kids. Empty nest syndrome must be so difficult to cope with...
Thanks for the musical (and emotional) insight. Very moving and well written, arranged and sung (but maybe the vocal could have been just a little more prominent)
Overall a beautifully delivered vibe and message
Phil
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Yeah, beautiful piece...some production tweaks needed here and there but it's personal thing innit!!
it's perfectly acceptable as is my friend.. :)
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A really lovely moving song with the melody and chords matching the mood of the lyrics perfectly. You have put into words thoughts and feelings that most of us would struggle to describe.
James
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Very nice ballad Jambrains...good piano playing and melody to this with a lifting chorus. Love the changes in it as well. Excellently produced as always.
You do like your rolling drums don´t you? They work well in this though and contribute well to the rhythmic feel of the song. Plus although the build up was very nicely done I reckon you could have gotten away with some more power chords towards the end but that´s a minor thing. Very nicely done indeed.
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@Bill Saunders: thanks for the spin and the input!
@Morefrog Jones: thanks for taking the time, appreciate it.
@CaliaMoko. Thanks Vicky! Yes, I've tried without "you" (as well as a number of other variations) but ended up with the current version mainly because it feels better to sing, go figure...
@Martinswede: tack! New mix is up (same link) with some tweaks including vocals a bit more upfront (I hope) and some new takes on a few phrases.
@Popmeyjazz: Beleieve me, I had to sit on my hands not to add a solo ;D
@Skub: thanks Skub, target group is obviously middle age people with almost grown up kids. Question is if the target group buys music? ???
@PTCrusier1801: thanks for the spin! No, I have not played it to her and I doubt I will. She is not too impressed with the music of her old fathers :)
@tinam: you are right, it is not really a sad song at all, more about hope etc but with a bittersweet undertone (at least that was my intent)
@Mono Stone: you have very good ears! I finally tracked the crackling noise down to the synth VST I was using. It is very old so probably some compability issus. So I had to replace it and made a few other tweaks at the same time that is now uploaded.
@boolio: thanks for listening! New version is uploded, hopefully the vocals are a bit more prominent now.
@shadowfax: thanks you my friend. I hope then new version handles the productions issues you mentioned.
@jamesh: thanks for the spin!
@MartynRich: yep, I love me drums ;DAnd yes, some power chords would indeed work well but I resisted the temptation because I know what happens when I start adding powechords ..... ;D
@All
As already stated, the link in the OP is now update with new, improved? version.
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Hi JB,
My daughter is 18 in a month or so also so the song struck home.
Although tinged with sadness, I love the sense of optimism within the song - something I've always struggled with - I've always been a glass not even half empty sort. :)
Sincerely delivered.
Good stuff.
Digger
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Bleedin' hell - that really got to me. Typing this while the keyboard has gone strangely blurry. I don't have any kids but I still related to this as we all have parents.
If the purpose of songwriting is to stir emotions and touch other people's hearts, you have hit the bulls eye.
M
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Your daughter will have this all her life. nice one.
I like it when the drums and backing vocals give it a subtle lift.
:)
neil
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Hi, a heartfelt emotional song which works very well and my wife says I have all the emotion of Mont Blanc. Nicely played without going for the schmaltzy approach which must have been tempting! Well sung too!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Beautiful voice, soothing instrumental and a strong chorus. Enjoyed this very much . Keep it up