[S.T.C]

Im going to contact some one to do this on here..need to think though.
Incidently i wrote this.. listening to Johnny Cash "hurt"..just to soak up all that self destructiveness..

 (V1)
i took a walk today
through places i know well

raised my head up high
 to the sound of bells
(v2
ringing in the heat
of a d)ying day.

water from a stream
 cooled my aching head
..................................
(V3)
passed that old tree
were we made love

and above me i saw names
carved in the heart of oak
(pre chorus)
my fingers grab the earth
i turned it into dust

i couldn`t scream to speak
cos i ,lost all my breath..
....
(chorus)
a darkness covers me
like a shroud of emptiness
i have nothing to call my own
and now have even less..
(V4)
above me i saw names
 carved in a heart of oak

a name you mentioned  once
and then was never spoke.

all my hopes for you
now vanished in the smoke..

of a dying day....

my fingers grab the earth
and turn them in to dust.....
(BRIDGE)
and above me carved in wood
a name i can not bear.....
(SECOND PRE CHORUS)
i took a walk today
and walked in to the void
of lovers now discovered
carved in a  heart of oak.
(chorus)
a darkness covers me
like a shroud of emptiness
i have nothing, to call my own
and now have even less..

[Kafla]

Some nice lines in there STC

I like the idea and themes that you have created

Infact the thing I like most is that I have already drawn my own conclusion as to what this means to me and that doesn't happen very often (I don't care in a way what it means to you - ha ha )

Structure wise it looks like verse / chorus to me - I normally map out my song structure first then lyrics so unless there is an instrumental break there will be no variation here but again that a very personal observation - we all write songs to different templates

By the way - I hate the title - I have a pet hate - I dislike any song that acknowledges that its a song either in the title or in a lyric - I just feel it severely undermines the work - "Heart of Oak" OR " Shroud of Emptiness" sound good to me

Definitely one of the best lyrics I have read on here  

[The Corsair]

I'd say this is easily one of your best, if not your absolute best (that I've seen, of course)

I can't spot the chorus, but that's possibly because I'm looking for a label.

It first came across as something I'd hate which was going to be very cliched (I mean, that's what the title suggested to me) but when I looked all through it in detail I was proven quite wrong.

I agree, though, that the title should be changed. I'm similar to Kafla here in that I generally don't like it when songs actually use the word 'song' in the title. The word 'bitterness' also gives the wrong impression I think. It wouldn't be so bad if it was 'something something bitterness' (any number of something's works) but calling it 'A Song of Bitterness' makes it seem like all you're going to be talking about is how bitter you are, and that's going to put people off before they even listen.

[S.T.C]

Mr Kafla and mr Corsiar,,let me put your minds at rest...i was just describing the vibe of the song..i hav`n`t named it yet..

Kafla if you want to turn it into a song...your vision...you have my permission...(but i want to tweak the words a little)

Theres a thread about using existing songs and writing new lyrics over...well i didn`t  do that but i copied the structure and the energy of hurt,,take a listen then look at the lyrics..sort gets angry as it goes along..
(Ive`added some structure...but it`s not traditional verse,verse.chorus..some of the verses work as bridges and such,lifting it up)

[Kafla]

I would love to have a go at this STC, I love Johhny Cash's Hurt, far better than the original

Infact I can hear in my head already where I would take this

I am away next Friday on holiday for the rest of July so it would be August before I could start the song. If you want someone to do it quicker then go for it but if not let me loose on it

[S.T.C]

I would love to have a go at this STC, I love Johhny Cash's Hurt, far better than the original

Infact I can hear in my head already where I would take this

I am away next Friday on holiday for the rest of July so it would be August before I could start the song. If you want someone to do it quicker then go for it but if not let me loose on it

No, you can do it....gives you a month to work it out..i still want to change a line or two,,but hey ..should be worth the wait.