[adamfarr]

Hi all - vacation time so not much activity from me but at least some time to reflect - and write a song about (imagined) infidelity (as you do). This one should be a kind of 80s The Jam style rocker.

I was thinking that V1 is a bit cryptic (to me it was totally obvious he was on a train home but perhaps not to all!) and the Shower Gateway is maybe a bit trite but I liked it...

Anyhow, specific and constructive suggestions always welcome!


Dirt of London

V1:
Clammy hands holding a home-bound can
Sticky rings on the carriage shelf
The past reflects in the cold scratched glass
Instructions try to tell you how to save yourself

PRE1:
Tacky footprints on vibrating floors
Get off past the language round the sliding doors

CH
Lingering too long inside the shower gateway
Like water's going to cure the dirt of London
The strains of shame make stains that don't fade
You forgot yourself for something that can never be
forgotten

V2:
Last night's conference forgot the talk
Texts exchanged in expectation
Neon lights shone on polished shoes
Drawn into the elevator of temptation

PRE2:
Messy situations in the sterile room
Like helpless air attracted to a perfumed moon
Fleeting turn-on of an open goal
Sense went out the window with your self-control

CH
BREAK

V3:
Homecoming kisses, gifts, and looks away
Trusting son, too young to know desire
The girls still think you're superman
Too innocent to know what failure feels like

PRE3:
Another Oscar for the wife
Pretending she's not looking for the exit sign

CH
FINAL CH

(c) Adam Farr, 2017, all rights reserved

[hardtwistmusic]

started singing along with this to find a melody, and darned if it didn't fit (not well btw) with the song "American Dream" by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  That means it flows well and sings well. 

Now I'll go back and look hard at the lyric.

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi all - vacation time so not much activity from me but at least some time to reflect - and write a song about (imagined) infidelity (as you do). This one should be a kind of 80s The Jam style rocker.

I was thinking that V1 is a bit cryptic (to me it was totally obvious he was on a train home but perhaps not to all!) and the Shower Gateway is maybe a bit trite but I liked it...

Anyhow, specific and constructive suggestions always welcome!


Dirt of London

Some of the slang confuses my American ear.  Or perhaps it's not just being American, but which part of America I'm from.

V1:
Clammy hands holding a home-bound can
Sticky rings on the carriage shelf
The past reflects in the cold scratched glass
Instructions try to tell you how to save yourself

PRE1:
Tacky footprints on vibrating floors
Get off past the language round the sliding doors

CH
Lingering too long inside the shower gateway
Like water's going to cure the dirt of London
The strains of shame make stains that don't fade
You forgot yourself for something that can never be
forgotten

V2:
Last night's conference forgot the talk
Texts exchanged in expectation
Neon lights shone on polished shoes
Drawn into the elevator of temptation

PRE2:
Messy situations in the sterile room
Like helpless air attracted to a perfumed moon

CH
BREAK

V3:
Homecoming kisses, gifts, and looks away
Trusting son, too young to know desire
The girls still think you're superman
Too innocent to know what failure feels like

PRE3:
Another Oscar for the wife
Pretending she's not looking for the exit sign

CH
FINAL CH

(c) Adam Farr, 2017, all rights reserved

Some of the slang confuses my American ear.  Or perhaps it's not just being American, but which part of America I'm from.

The "home bound can" didn't confuse me for more than an instant. 

The "cold scratched glass" is his worn watch face? 

The "shower gate" is either a shower curtain or shower door? 

Loved the lyric.  Captures the emotional shame and regret very well. 

[PaulyX]

Really good Adam.  Love the way you use a grubby train carriage as the setting for thoughts on a grubby night of regret.  Love the line "neon lights shone on polished shoes" too, and the third verse is really potent, almost heartbreaking even though we don't know this protagonist. 

Only 1 line in a sea of beauties didn't quite work for me:  "Helpless air attracted to a perfumed moon" - whereas the rest of the song's images are quite 'realist' (and great because of that) I don't understand this one and it feels a bit suddenly over-poetic amongst the beer cans. Can air be attracted to something? and can you smell the moon to know it's perfumed?

I can definitely hear the Jam playing along to this and look forward to hearing the end result.

[PaulAds]

Great stuff, Adam

I think paul's right about that one line...it's ok, but everything else about it is brilliant...I'm sure a little tweak could be done and would be very worthwhile.

I SO love the jam 

If you'd like any help with the playing/recording etc, I'd be more than happy to try to help.

[Paulski]

Hi Adam

I like this - nice and meaty so it's going to need a lot of practice singing it 
You tell a story in between the lines which I'm never any good at doing. Mine are always (too obviously) in the lines.
Is there a prosody issue with gateway/don't fade or maybe it's the offset rhyme that's offsetting me? 

Looking 4ward to hearing it
Paul

[adamfarr]

Thanks all - really good feedback!

Verlon - the glass was supposed to be the train window (which used to get lots of graffiti scratched on them). Tower Gateway is a train station in London which I quite liked the sound of, also in terms of a portal you could imagine stepping through to try to leave the past behind... possibly too clever for its own good 😊

I'll also listen to that song - definitely off my radar but would hate to be too close... thanks!

Paulyx - thanks for that - I'd wrestled with that one a bit and thought to go for some "laws of physics kind of inevitability" image. Clearly neither I nor our protagonist is a scientist though so I'll definitely look for something "Jammier" Great catch.

Paulads - thanks as always  - I have a decent bassline  and ok drums down but could be up for a line or two from the Rickenbacker... let me see how I go

Hi Paulski (hat trick of Pauls!) - you always seem to pick up something that may have been inadvertent on my part. This section does pile on the a sounds and I think the rhythm makes this ok but will definitely give it a sanity check. Many thanks.

[pompeyjazz]

Excellent lyrics Adam. Conjures up a picture and feeling immediately.  I can almost hear the song already. Will be following this thread with interest

[adamfarr]

Pompey - thanks as ever - really determined not to leave this one hanging too long!

All - lastest thinking on that offending line:

Fleeting turn-on of an open goal
Sense went out the window with your self-control

Watch this space!
Cheers all.

[diademgrove]

Hi Adam,

I like most of your lyrics, not sure about it being a rocker though, more a late night smoky ballad.

In the chorus I heard forgiven when I read it rather than forgotten. Not sure why it just felt stronger.

I'm not sure about the second pre- it seems a bit weak. It doesn't give any clue as to why you had the affair. I was expecting a bit more passion, especially after a great set up line "drawn into the elevator of temptation".

Same with the third pre-. The second pre- implies the affair was a one off so why would the wife suspect or be looking to leave? The song for me is about the guilt felt by the singer so a huge welcome home from the wife may be more appropriate. It reinforces what a cad the singer is, having a wife and children that think he's wonderful.

If you disagree please ignore me.

Keith

[adamfarr]

Keith - your comments are very astute and welcome! In my head the story is that he might have previous form, and also might be able to fool his kids but not his wife who is wise to the ways of (some) men and not to be fooled... Your story is also good and possibly even more powerful because it's one thing to feel guilty when you get found out, but another when you're hanging on thinking that you've got away with it but can't forgive yourself...

On balance I probably won't make the big change at this stage - but 'forgiven' will get incorporated somewhere...

Many thanks