[tomlinleckie]

In my quest to record a song every week and put it up on youtube here is the next one - I'm having trouble with the timing changes between verse and chorus. I can't decide if it works - let me know what you think.

Here's the new version;

[pmarino]

I really like the verses, musically, but especially lyrically. Yes, the change doesn't work as is (at least for me). The 2nd half of the chorus works better for me than the 1st half... That might be fixable with a better transition into it. I like the emotion. Keep working on it!

[cheff daniel]

i think the chorus don't work because the guitar is in its way. i would simplify that, and try to keep the voyce down a little to make it more intimate. a lovely song anyway.


gr.  Dan

[nooms]

hi tamlin,
i think you need other players beside you.
the songs all there, but i dont think your giving it a fair crack of the whip, to me, its a band song, thats how i hear it, if its a solo gtr song then you should simplify it.
its almost as if its secondary to the gutar parts...
i dont mean bad stuff here, just what comes to mind.
your an excellent guitar player and vocalist and you can hear what the drums and bass are doing in your head..but i cant,
I know band songs are performed in this way all the time but its invariably a cover that is familiar and people can go with it, but an original song just gtr/voc needs to be simple, or simpler.

i mean well..
nooms

[tina m]

your obviuosly a accomplished guitar player & a good singer & yet this doesnt quite work for me... the verse is fine but in the chorus the guitar part & the melody are fighting for dominance... & in a song evrything has to be working together selflessly
to me melody is king & evrything else in the song should respect it
mind you it actualy reminded me a bit of astral weeks the first time i heard that!

[Schavuitje]

Hiya I'm going to have to say I like some of the guitar work and I do like the variation between verse and
chorus. I don't think you quite pull it off (timing-wise) in the video and that's what makes it sound as if it doesn't
work. As nooms said, and I agree, this song would appreciate a lot of accompaniment, i.e. a band.
Playing each part at the right volume is important. The twiddly finger picking chorus but should have been quieter so
that it didn't overpower the vocal melody. But in my opinion that guitar part is fine and would fit but it needs more practice
so that the timing works.
Did you have a band in mind when writing this? It might be a bit too twiddly, after just listening again, if it
is to remain just you and an accoustic.

I like it though so I'll be interested to hear what your thoughts are

[tomlinleckie]

Hi guys - thank You so much for all your time giving me useful pointers. It's my dream to write songs that stand-up by themselves with just an acoustic guitar and vocals so I have tried to take on board some of your ideas. Here is the new version;

[jim morrison]

Tom , first off  - total respect to your guitar playing and vocals - ,your damn good! ,i didn't dislike  the song but thought the vocals were a bit harsh sounding for the melodies that were very nicely played ,as Chef said maybe tone them down a bit for this song. Look forward to further songs. cheers, Matt (this was response to the original version, didn't see the new one )

[jim morrison]

I take it all back - that versions a LOT better!

[nooms]

tamlin,
sounds really good, 100% better.
have you thought about a contrast chord/small bridge somewhere before the main change ? 
whatever,it really does work now for gtr/voice. stands on its own feet and you can take it out for dinner if you want to..
like the words, the pay off line at the end of each verse is very satisfying.
nooms

[Schavuitje]

This is much better
Well done.

[tina m]

well done... it sounds great now!
having a talent & believing in yourself is a good thing but so is being willing to take on board criticism & being willing to try things
...........& it still brings astral weeks to mind!

[S. Simon]

As you can see, I checked you out too Tomlin. I agree with all the others. The first version sucked, but you did take "revanche" in the second version. Well done. It sounds free and open. Now you can do with it whatever you want. Make it big with a band or keep it like this.

[S. Simon]

I'll take back the word "sucked". It's a way of expression, no offense!!

[minus1]

 There is a good song here, production hides it`s potential though. Guitar is played well, but the whole song seems to blend and it takes the repetition to identify chorus. Overall I`d try for a bit more variation and don`t let technicality get in the way of a back beat, better in my opinion to simplify. You have talent!!