The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Dust2Life on August 10, 2018, 07:15:23 AM
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Hello,
This is a song that I wrote recently. I recorded it with my growing band, but it revolves around vocals and the acoustic guitar..though the bass line is really cool. We used a volume pedal to get that effect. I wanted to create a Steven King-esque tension between the characters. I'll include the lyrics below. I will also provide a soundcloud and soundclick link so that people can go to whichever they wish. Some people don't like soundcloud, but I can upload the WAV version there.
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/?bandID=1437518
The Exorcism
I am a whisper
I'm the cold on your neck
I'm a soul picture
Burnt to the world and left
I will not hurt you
I simply cannot leave the nest
except I'll remind you that you too will one day face death
I am harmless. You have nothing to fear.
I am so harmless staring out from the mirror
keep taking half breaths. Reach out and touch my hand.
You should have left when you still had the chance.
Let us write a note
and take responsibility
let us tie the rope
and leave this world hanging.
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You've got a great tone to your voice and despite the lyrics suggesting menace, this is quite a gentle lullaby.
The simple guitar picking is subtle and works well. The ooh-ooh chorus is maybe the least interesting bit, as it doesn't really develop much - maybe you should consider singing a counter melody with some lyrics on this, maybe from the off, or at least later in the song.
Despite that nit-pick I enjoyed it, thanks for posting! ;)
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Thanks Michael. I wanted to do something that slowly built the tension and the harmony seemed fitting. I will try adding a counter melody with a piano and see if it fits..just might work.
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That was really beautiful. My cup of tea. A Tom Waites vibe to the vocals. Nice lyrics and haunting delivery.
My crit is with the site you posted it on. I accidentally started it over several times because I wanted to read the lyrics as I listened which I never did figure out, and which was pretty annoying. I think sound cloud is more user friendly. But I kept listening to your lovely song. Liked it very much.
Lynn
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Hi Dust
I really like the sound you have created on this. Vocal is cool and has a nice tone...
Hey its your track, but I would just love it to burst into a crescendo of guitar, drums and angst vocal and then drop back in to those deep lows.
Really like this one, great work.
Andy
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Powerful track. I thought the lyrics were ace, especially these lines:
"let us tie the rope
and leave this world hanging."
Your site says it is about trustbuilding... well you know best obviously, but that's not the picture I got from the lyrics. I was picturing someone looking in a mirror talking to themselves and contemplating suicide. But there you go, it's great that a song can represent different things to different people.
You've got a great voice and I like the understated delivery. The haunting acoustic nature of it made me think of Bon Iver's first album... fragile and a teensy bit sinister.
Impressive stuff.
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Thanks for the feedback.
Lynn, I posted soundcloud as well. It is just at the bottom. I have gotten a mix of people that love and hate soundcloud. Soundclick I just threw in to make sure people had options.
Caw.. I actually was arguing to add some light percussion, but because I didn't use anything to maintain time..I just winged it.. my cousin said the percussion would just point out the flaws. I do have bigger plans though.
PaulyX, I wrote the song from the perspective of a ghost that is seeking to exorcise somebody from his home. I thought that the whole first part of the song would just be trustbuilding.. and then the line "you should have left when you still had the chance" is the turning point. I think all great horror stories have an element of trustbuilding. That said, it could just as easily be about somebody learning to trust their inner voice..and sometimes our inner voices tell us things like "the pain would stop if you took your life".. and things like that..so I could see how you pulled that from the song.
Funny thing is that my friend Jess is supposed to say those last lines in a monotone voice.. "Let us tie the rope". I didn't have her for long and we couldn't make it fit this time. But, in the future.