The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: CaliaMoko on December 21, 2020, 02:18:29 PM
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Here's my latest effort. The song is basically done but has NOT been produced at all. For feedback, I'm interested specifically in:
1. What kind of production (what style, etc) would suit it
2. What are the weakest lines
3. Weakest phrase(s) in the melody
4. Is there enough imagery
5. Any specific suggestions you have for improvement in general
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/best-we-can-do
The Best We Can Do
V1
I recall the fancy hall the day we were wed.
Do you remember? I wore white and you wore red.
If I had had a crystal ball to offer me a wake-up call
Later that night I might have said
CH1
You need to take me just as I am
Don’t try to change me; I don’t think you can.
I know I’m not perfect, well neither are you
At any given moment we’re the best we can do.
V2
You like driving kinda fast; I like to take it slow
You like hiding your emotions; I let mine show
Now I prefer my toast with butter, you prefer it dry
I like velcro; you like to tie.
CH2
And now you take me without any plan
To try to change me; you accept who I am
It's true I'm not perfect, And neither are you
At any given moment we're the best we can do
BRIDGE
The years will go by and one thing never will change
I’ll look in your eyes and I will say….
REPEAT CH1
You need to take me just as I am
Don’t try to change me; I don’t think you can.
I know I’m not perfect, well neither are you
At any given moment we’re the best we can do.
Copyright 2020 Vicki Morrison Goble
All Rights Reserved
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
Hi Vicki,
This is a good song - your usual strengths of vocal quality, melodic technique and lyrical skill are evident here. I am no expert at production and arrangement but if it were my song, I would keep the acoustic guitar as the main stay of the recording and add some extra textures on the chorus - maybe strings or B3 organ. You could bringing a bass in after the first chorus and maybe some harmony vocals on the choruses. I don't think you want to overwhelm what is a gentle song. The worst line for me is the "Do you remember? I wore white and you wore red" - that's been done to death. There isn't really much imagery but then it's more about emotions so I don't think you want to shoe horn them in for the sake of it. I'd offer to produce this myself but there are are far more talented and experienced people on here who would do a much better job - Neil C for example.
Hope this helps
M
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Hi Vicki - Really good song. I really like the structure the chords, the melody and most of the lyrics. Some very basic production obervations from me:
1. Production. If you record this proper make sure you record the guitar and the vocals separately so that you can mix properly later on and add effects to the vocals specifically if needed. Perhaps a tiny bit of reverb.
Try to get rid of the little squeaking noise that is presumably a byproduct of the strumming motion on the acoustic guitar. You hear it at 3 seconds and then its every second or so for the first part of the track. Possibly keep the microphone as far away as possible from the source of the noise. Some of the folks on the forum may have some more sophisicated answers on this one.
Lift the vocals in the mix. They are too quiet presently
2. agree with Monty dog the white and red line is not great. Also im not a massive fan of the velcro vs tie line - that sounds a bit too contrived - like you were just trying to find some words that rhymed.
3. No weak phrases in the melody for me. Its great!
4. I dont really have a view on the imagery - i think the lyrics overall tell a neat story and its pretty clear
5. No specific suggestions for improvement in general, If well produced this song will be a cracker!
Cheers, Micky
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Hola @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
I like your songs, they are direct, like this one and their melody is very humble, catchy.
I love the chorus.
how to finish your production? I think you can follow the indications of montydog and that's all!!!
Merry Christmas and stay safe.
Mora
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
You have a lovely voice and that must always be the main feature. I don't think this needs an over-elaborate arrangement. I really enjoyed listening to this as it is but it does deserve proper production. Like Mora, I mostly agree with what Montydog suggests though I wouldn't worry too much about the 'do you remember..' line. I think it suits the song. This has the makings of a great song. :)
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Hi Vicki @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Lovely vocals and melody as we have come to expect from you. You have a gift for finding wonderful melodies.
I love the simplicity and effectiveness of this little number :)
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Thanks for all the great feedback!
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653)
Yes, helpful. Maybe kind of a folk-ish style. I struggled with the "Do you remember" line, so I'm not surprised about that. I haven't been able to figure out anything else that didn't make it worse. So far, anyway.
@mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769)
I didn't try to make this a reasonable mix. I probably should have at least tried to make it a little better though. The guitar squeaks--1. It won't be me playing guitar in the final product, thank goodness, and 2. I didn't even hear the squeaks until after I recorded the vocal. And the WORST one, I clipped out. Did you hear the gap?? Yeah, believe it or not. I played the guitar track, never heard the squeaks at all. Then recorded the vocal track and STILL didn't hear the squeaks. Finally heard them when I listened to it all together. The velcro vs tie line--I was trying to come up with things they didn't agree about. I actually kinda like that one because I DON'T like velcro (even though it says I do in the song). I'll see about more feedback on that part.
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233)
Thanks for the supportive comments!
@ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723)
And you, too...I appreciate the listen!
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269)
And you three. Thank you, thank you!
I appreciate all the feedback so much! And a big thank you to everyone who listened. Might wipe out my inferiority complex yet.... :P ;D 8)
Vicki
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A lovely song, Vicki...............could be interpreted across many a subject matter.
If you love someone, why would you want to fundamentally change them?
Good song!!
The only nit is with the CH2 first two lines. The variation is not as strong as the original chorus lines.
Great stuff...................
-Tom
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928),
Hi Vicki, rhythmically, this has Buddy Holly 'Every day' stamped all over it so why not embrace that style of production. It woukd definitely work.
The weakest lyric is:
'And now you take me without any plan
To try to change me; you accept who I am'
The build up to the chorus is very well structured and is a really good marriage of melody and lyrics.
The best advice I can impart is to embrace King Buddy Holly and don't be tempted by an alternative production route. 😊
Paul
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Hi @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
Firstly I enjoyed the song very much 😍
What kind of production (what style, etc) would suit it
I think getting a little more rhythm in the guitar and vocal delivery would help...there is a saying then a recall method being deployed so a little pause and an emphasis on the reply would help...thinking beautiful south here...don’t marry her
2. What are the weakest lines
You like hiding your emotions; I let mine show
Would work better You like hiding your emotions; I like to let mine show
3. Weakest phrase(s) in the melody
I would put a little lilt in the reply to tie in with suggestion 1
So on v2 Now I prefer my toast with butter, you prefer it dry...take dry up or down a note to create more variance in the melody
4. Is there enough imagery
YES
5. Any specific suggestions you have for improvement in general
I would get a nice rhythm accompaniment and some strings to make it quite epic 😝😍
I hope my ramblings help...you write really neat and tidy and I suppose I would encourage you to be a bit looser...that’s not a criticism as such...
Feel free to ignore...I admire your work 🤩👍🏻
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Thank you @IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) and @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) -- I did struggle with the second chorus. I didn't think I could leave it the same as the first chorus, because I want it to follow the 2nd verse more logically. I don't know if I can come up with anything better or not.
And, hmmm, Buddy Holly? I'll think about that....
Thanks to you, too, @kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) -- for your detailed feedback! I looked at the "hiding...emotions" section to see how it would work to add in those words and everything I tried sounded bad, unfortunately. I'll let it rest and see if I can make it work later.
I do like the idea of changing up the melody on the "toast" line a bit. We'll see what happens with that.
Thank you to everyone who listened!!