[little feet]

a song i wrote after watching the moon chase a sunset.

i'm pretty unsure of this song, would appreciate feedback.

&feature=youtu.be&proxmate=us

lunar eclipse:

lonely moon, in a pink sky
tangerine blue, like a blind eye
searching forever for the light and the source of his love

glowing sun, setting slowly
creating dusk, to hide the lonely
end for us and ending of the day

and the moon he is trying to steal the tears from the earth
he's chasing his love through horizons until his heart bursts
half of him's shining and half of him's filled with shadows
and the only thing that changes is how much of it he shows

searing sun, over our heads
noon turns the shadows, all to dust again
the bridges and buildings all wither and turn to rust

this lonely moon, hangs his pale head
low in the sky, chased away again
sneaks out of sight and sneaks out of mind

cuz every now and then he's held in a lunar eclipse
and he forgets a thing like love could even exist
so he tugs at the ocean for letting his life slip away
and he forgets it's just his view of the world that gets in his way

[hardtwistmusic]

Had to respond after reading the lyrics.  I think this is a beautiful lyric.  It's a little too deep for a lot of people, but it flows so well, that those who don't follow depth in a lyric will just listen to the vocal like it's another instrument. 

I'm going to come back to this as a lyric before I go and listen.  I want to get it in my head how I would "hear it" complete, then check to see how close I came to how you heard it and played it.

[tokenangmoh]

Hello.

This is lovely. I love the fingerpicking and the melody - especially the way the end of each verse evaporates and the falling phrases in the B-section.

Lyrics-wise, I think about 80% of it really connects with me and makes me want to unpack its imagery and ideas. And about 20% resists that for me.

Because I am an overwhelmingly negative human being, I'm mainly going to talk about the 20% - but assume that if I don't mention it, I think it works.

I love:

lonely moon, in a pink sky

It's so specific and rare, but it's something we've all seen. But then:

tangerine blue

Is something I can't see or apply to the moon. It just feels like you're getting excited about colours, and it temporarily made me think this was going to be a nonsense song - which it very clearly turned out not to be.

I like the idea behind:

creating dusk, to hide the lonely

But it strikes me as counter-intuitive that the sun creates dusk. For me, if the sun is going to create anything it's going to be light and heat. Might you consider "inviting"?

I don't like the misplaced stress on "shadows". It's almost worth it because the line that completes the forced rhyme is unquestionably brilliant. But if you can get there by other means, I'd prefer it without that jarring moment.

In the third verse I get confused about time. You say it's noon - but by then the moon, which is sinking in verse four, would be long gone. Also, while I have a strong image in my head for "wither and turn to rust", I can't picture how the sun might turn shadows to dust; in fact, the stronger the sun, the stronger the shadows.

The fourth verse and second B-section are wonderful.

Essentially I like this song best when I can turn your poetry into pictures. The parts I don't like are when the pictures get muddled.

I think you're close to something beautiful here and look forward to seeing how it develops.

Matt

[hardtwistmusic]

Came this morning, read it through, then listened to the music. 

Listened to two lines and was able to sing along. 

Your mental vocal melody writing process must be very similar to my own.

I had many of the thoughts Tokenangmah had in regard to the time etc.  But after two read-throughs, I could see where you were going and understood that time is passing, and why. 

If you clarify that, do it carefully (imo) because you could lose as much as you gain in the clarification.

And I'm not so sure this doesn't say exactly what you want it to already --- just requires a little familiarity to "stick it in the listener's mind." 

[BOSKY]

The lyrics are beautiful. I also like the idea behind, "creating dusk, to hide the lonely."

[little feet]

that's the thing with this forum.. one guy says change this... another guy says don't..

here i am stuck in the middle with you.

thanks for the advice matt.. "inviting" is probably a better way to say it.. sounds friendlier. i would change the shadows line but it was sort of the beginning of the idea.. so i'll probably just leave it in.. don't want to shoot myself in the foot just to get out of the trenches. wait.. i'm not making any sense.

verlon.. i won't expand on the song meaning too much.. i'll just say that i was trying to write a love song to a girl i liked.. she was on holiday and we were describing our surroundings via text message.. and as i described my surroundings i thought about how i was the like the moon.. and she was like the sunset.. or something.. and how being overly romantical and sentimental can get chased away by the icy pragmatism of a world full of cold shoulders.

at least i think that's what it was about.. to be honest i can't remember anymore

bosky, thanks!

[Winter1982]

Hey little feet

I really like this. It's like a grown up lullaby , or something of the sort. It's kind of dark and light at the same time, heavy and whimsical. I always like your vocal style, it's super original , husky , accessible and really recognisable. I wouldn't change a thing. I think this is something I've discovered in my short time on the forum - it's great to get feedback but sometimes you are just looking for an audience, all the songs are your own, why would you change them because of the odd opinion here and there? So for me, whilst I'd go about it differently, and so might the next poster and the next one, I think this is so you, and so much about the specific moment it emerged from that you can't change a thing. There is a great article on the guardian at the moment , a transcript of Neil young accepting an award recently. He talks about doing songs in one take, and getting them first time as for him, if it's flat or slightly off then that's great because otherwise he sacrifices the truth of what he is doing. He says it much better obviously but yeh, I think you're an artist so don't change one bit of it. 

[Jamie]

Hi,
     I love this, you've got a really great voice and the picking is good too. I'm not so much a lyrics man, if the words fit and feel right then it usually works for me, and without reading the lyrics this goes really well with the chords and melody. Your voice would work in different genres too, look forward to hearing more!
Cheers
Jamie

[dnafe]

Great lyrical topic and nice lyrics and your guitar playing is right up there too

Now to be a knob (hehehe)

I'd really like to hear this with a less "bopping" vibe and more straightforward and a little slower...not because there's anything wrong with this version I just thought it might work on a totally different level

[little feet]

thanks for the feedback all. i'm recording this weekend so i might pop this one in there. thanks again for the feedback, advice and kind/knobbish words

[diademgrove]

Hi little feat,

I like the song the picking and vocal is great. The only thing that I wasn't keen on was the rhyming scheme. The first two verses rhymed at lines 1 and 2. In verses 3 and 4 they didn't. I've played the song three times and found the second part jarring, but the lyrics didn't give me a reason for the change in flow.

I thought the b section was really well done.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

diadem

[orten]

Can you put it back please. 

I really liked what I heard earlier, and now I'd love to listen to it again and comment.

[little feet]

oh yeah, sorry i got rid of my youtube channel.

i uploaded the song to soundcloud for you to listen to

https://soundcloud.com/little_feet/lunar-eclipse