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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: MinuteSekunde on February 01, 2016, 12:05:08 PM

Title: Stranger To Myself
Post by: MinuteSekunde on February 01, 2016, 12:05:08 PM

http://yourlisten.com/manhattanfromthesky/stranger-to-myself-original-song

Closed my eyes at night and I can’t remember me,
Clearly my mind’s blocking what I want to see,
Why can’t I remember clearly?
Why am I forgetting severely?
It’s like I’m losing who I am.

I can’t remember things sometimes too,
It’s sad to think that all of this is true,
I’ve let my mind slip away,
Misunderstanding my DNA,
It’s like I can’t remember me.

And I say, I’m a stranger to myself,
Sad, tired and no good for health,
Lost in my own translation,
Lost in my concentration,
I’m a stranger to myself

Closed my eyes at night and I just can’t sleep,
It’s hard to think with your fear in deep,
Memories I can’t keep,
Falling down steep,
Losing sight of where I am.

I don’t like the covering of my own mind,
The answer is somehow hard to find,
Without understanding,
Words its commanding,
Fading out from my sight.

And I say, I’m a stranger to myself,
Sad, tired and no good for health,
Lost in my own translation,
Lost in my concentration,
I’m a stranger to myself

Sometimes.
Oh… sometimes.
A stranger to myself.
Can you help now? (x5)

And I say, I’m a stranger to myself,
Sad, tired and no good for health,
Lost in my own translation,
Lost in my concentration,
I’m a stranger to myself, Oh….

And I say, I’m a stranger to myself,
Put my story on the bookshelf,
Lost in my world tonight,
But I’m holding on so tight,
I’m a stranger to myself,
Sometimes.

Title: Re: Stranger To Myself
Post by: CaliaMoko on February 03, 2016, 04:57:50 AM

Interesting theme. The dirge-like melody and stark piano accompaniment suits the topic, I think.

Some of the words sound awkward. Like "Why am I forgetting severely?". "Severely" sounds like you used it because you couldn't think of anything else.

And some words confused me. Like "Sad, tired and no good for health". Are you trying to say the singer's health is no good? If not, I don't know what you're trying to say. If yes, it doesn't work.

These are just my opinions, of course, so if I missed the mark, just ignore me. :)

Vicki

Title: Re: Stranger To Myself
Post by: MinuteSekunde on February 03, 2016, 09:07:01 PM

I respect the feedback :)

I think I chose "severely" because it was the first word that came to my head and I wrote this at this like... 2:00am 

By saying "no good for health" - I was meaning to say my state of mind being unclear, because I lose the consciousness of who I am or where I am or what I'm doing - which is the main factor of being epileptic and having seizures. 


Thank you for them feedback :)

Title: Re: Stranger To Myself
Post by: CaliaMoko on February 03, 2016, 09:39:50 PM

Quote from: MinuteSekunde on February 03, 2016, 09:07:01 PM

I respect the feedback :)

I think I chose "severely" because it was the first word that came to my head and I wrote this at this like... 2:00am 

By saying "no good for health" - I was meaning to say my state of mind being unclear, because I lose the consciousness of who I am or where I am or what I'm doing - which is the main factor of being epileptic and having seizures. 

You're welcome! And I see what you're trying to say with the "no good for health". I recommend rethinking that phrase, as I don't think it says what you're attempting to get across. Something like "Sad, tired and poor in health" may work better.

Anyway, best wishes for the development of the piece!

Vicki

Title: Re: Stranger To Myself
Post by: MinuteSekunde on February 04, 2016, 01:18:43 AM

Thanks very much for the advice, I'll certainly take it on board!


 :)

Title: Re: Stranger To Myself
Post by: moraamarolaloba on October 27, 2017, 05:13:46 PM

I could not hear the music. I followed the link but no play in sight.

I like the lyrics very much, they are deep, sincere and dark. These three phrases are definitive

"Lost in my own translation,
Lost in my concentration,
I'm stranger to myself"

See you. It is good to find Philosophy into the music. Hasta otro día. Mora