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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: shadowfax on January 07, 2020, 07:42:29 PM
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Hi, came across these lyrics by Sterix and decided to have a go writing a tune etc....never done it before, found it very interesting....
https://soundcloud.com/knmac/breaking-up
First came the words,
then came the door,
I'm standing there,
with my back against the wall,
who caused the hurt,
who caused the fall,
nobody cares,
no one at all,
I reach for you I call your name,
don't know what to do,
I don't know your game,
I burned for you,
was burned in your flames,
now I'm brocken in two,
feeling the pain.
Time needs an end,
once it's begun,
we can pretend,
that we can outrun,
destiny's plans,
and it's stone cold clutch,
when darkness descends,
our time is up.
I looked at you,
you looked at me,
lie's were assumed,
how things should be,
could not the truth,
set us both free,
I guess it's moot,
and not meant to be.
Time needs an end,
once it's begun,
we can pretend,
that we can outrun,
destiny's plans,
and it's cold cold clutch,
when darkness descends,
our time is up.
Make amends,
start again,
lets make amends,
lets start again.
Time needs an end,
once it's begun,
we can pretend,
that we can outrun,
destiny's plans,
and it's stone cold clutch,
when darkness descends,
our time is up.....Lets start again. ©KNmac/Sterix
best to all :)
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Always interesting putting someone else's lyrics to music. What a top job you've done Kev. Great lyrics to work with though and that makes a big difference. Love the feel to this one especially the lovely acoustic guitar sound that you've achieved. Well done both of you, fabulous collaboration
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Very moody and deep - the atmosphere seems perfect for the subject. Some great original lyrics here, very effective for conveying the emotions behind the story (a good balance between telling and showing).
Those folky rhythms give a nice unique flavour, and it builds subtly but nicely. I wondered whether a duet could work in the chorus (come on Sterix!) but that might take it in a very "pop" direction which might not be what was wanted.
A really good colab I think, looks like both of you brought lots to the table and made something fresh.
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Guys,
Really listened to the lyrics
The vocals tell the story really well.
And I liked the simplicity of the verses and it grows throughout the song, with the insistent strumming
It all fits together like it should.
:-)
neil
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I wondered whether a duet could work in the chorus (come on Sterix!)
lolz. You really want my caterwauling ruining it for everybody? :P
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Kev you really captured these well written lyrics so well. The melody, mood
and Your vocals with the ambience grabs you. Well done guys! (so many good singers
on this forum I need a lower level to hang with...lol..)
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Wonderful collab guys - good lyrics and stellar performance by Kev.
Couldn't put my finger on the time signature off the top but I'm sure there is one :D
And oh the guitar solo - bring it back I say.
No nits from me - well maybe a tad too long - but that's down to my short attention span innit?
Paul
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Hi guys, a very nice collaboration, words and music going together very well. Great singing and production as usual. After the first few bars I got the feeling it should go into a 'Rush' type rocked up song, maybe its just me :o
Great stuff guys!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Kev,
This is simply gorgeous and has all your usual hallmarks. So easy to listen to (in the best possible way). The lyrics are excellent and you have written a melody and arrangement which makes them shine. It is a lovely thing to behold.
M
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Yep powerful collaboration guys, Sterix's words fit this gently building treatment very well, and the production is immaculate (hey, it's Shadowfax, what do we expect...). I could imagine a 3:30-4 minute radio edit too where the build happens a bit more quickly, but on the other hand this is also an exercise in restraint and I'm glad you don't go all big drums and squealing guitars on it, as that would pull the rug out from under the delicate, melancholy mood of the lyrics. You two should do some more together.
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Yep! Just wanted to chime in and say great work guys...nice and easy on the ear. I cant imagine putting something together as awesome as this from just a set of lyrics. Must have been rewarding for you both. Great job guys.🎶👊🏻🎶😁
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I’ve listened to this song about 5-6 times.
The atmosphere is great. All of the sounds are sympathetic to the style of the song and the production is solid. There are elements of the melody that really stand out for me. There’s something about the phrasing of “cold, cold clutch” both the alliteration and the melody of the chords that I really like.
Your voice sounds great and really suits the style of the music.
Points to consider;
1. Maybe a greater evolution and variety of the tracks arrangement (instruments) as the track progresses. It could reach perhaps more of a crescendo towards the end.
2. To my ear, it sounds like your using VST’s for some or all of the guitar parts (if not, my apologies). The acoustic, in particular, might benefit from a bit more rhythmic variety if possible,
Anyway I really enjoyed listening to your song and thank you for sharing your music with me.
Hope this helps,
Paul
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@shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) and @sterix this is superb for a first go, like the evolution of the gtr parts under the steady Lvox draws one to the gtr solo
Maybe there could be some BVox under this.
I kind of agree with @pnb99 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22271) the building that took you to the solo dissipated after the solo, it might have continued to build, or maybe remove some instruments and replace with some others like a grand piano, just ideas really.
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Thanks for giving it a listen guys...I agree with the general consensus that it could've built a bit more after the guitar break and maybe the break shouldn't even be there, adding a piano is a good idea ..may get round to doing that.. :)
best, Kevin :)
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Lovely melancholic song, heartfelt lyrics and I think the arrangement does them justice. Lovely tone to those vocals. I think it builds well after the first minute or so, but I did think the last section would benefit from some rhythmic variation from an additional instrument, or some other such change.
Really nice song though, easy on the ears and catchy. ;)
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Hi Shadowfax
This really is a lovely song with great lyrics and vocal performance and first class production values.
My only improvement sugestions would be that IMO reducing the number of verses and adding a little more light and shade would make it even better.
however,it's still a beautiful and moving song .Really well done.
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A fine marrying of lyrics and music, good job the both of ya.
A few unexpected chord changes in there that gave it a nice twist.
Personally I’m hearing a call and response type counter melody in the chorus that I think would really enhance this.
With or without though, it’s still a quality collaboration.
Yodasdad
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Can't believe i missed commenting on this one...thought i had...sorry!
I generally dive straight into your songs...expecting top quality...and waddayaknow...
Top Quality.
I often write lyrics and then try to figure out a tune...but i've been moving away from doing things that way of late...it's a great exercise and often not easy to do...but you've taken a really good set of lyrics and put it all together expertly.
Nice going, Kev!