[Jambrains]

I have never posted in the lyrics section before mainly because I felt that could not offer much in return since I'm not much of a lyricist and english is not my native tongue.
However, I hope someone would still like to offer some advice on some lyrics I'm working on. I have some specific issue but of course any input is much appreciated.
So, here is a part of the first verse:

Intoxicated strangers
in a bar I do not know
the kind of place where fallen angels
come to hit their all time low
Question: in the last line, I have settled for "hit" but I guess "reach" or maybe even
"find" would be viable?

And for the chorus:
And now I see
the whisper of a demon
by far outweighs the cries of angels
one by one
my angels all fell silent
and now there's only angels crying

Question:
Second line, whisper/whispering? demon or demons?
Third line: outweighs may not be the ideal word? It's a pita to sing anyway...
Last line don't feel quite right so suggestions are welcomed. I have tried stuff like "and now there is no more cries of angel" and "and now there is only demon's whisper" but none of them works 100%.

I know for sure I saw the angel/demon vs cry/whisper theme somewhere but I have been able to find it again. Anyone recognize it?

[Arkwright]

Possibility for the chorus could be:

And now I see
The whisper of demons
Drowns out the cries of angels
One by one
The angels fell silent
And now they're only crying

Says the same thing, but a bit more succinct and flows a little better.

[Jambrains]

Possibility for the chorus could be:

And now I see
The whisper of demons
Drowns out the cries of angels
One by one
The angels fell silent
And now they're only crying

Says the same thing, but a bit more succinct and flows a little better.

Drowns! But of course, don't understand why I did not think of that!! Thanks a lot!!
Your suggestion is indeed much more succinct but I'm afraid I forgot to mention that I have the melody more or less ready so after adding some "filler" to fit the melody a new draft would be something like

And now I see
the whispers of a demon
will surely drown the cries of angels
and one by one
my angels all fell silent 
and now there's only angels crying

[Paulski]

And now I see
the whispers of a demon
will surely drown the cries of angels
and one by one
my angels all fell silent  
and now there's only angels crying

Maybe needs a bit of tidying. To me there is also a tense issue. The first three lines are present tense and the last three are past tense. And the last line doesn't make sense - if they all fell silent, how can they still be crying?  Maybe:

And now I see
the whisper of a demon
has overtaken(overwhelmed?) the cry of angels
and one by one
my angels all fell silent  
and now there's only angels crying <-- not sure what to do here

Hope this helps
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

I have never posted in the lyrics section before mainly because I felt that could not offer much in return since I'm not much of a lyricist and english is not my native tongue.
However, I hope someone would still like to offer some advice on some lyrics I'm working on. I have some specific issue but of course any input is much appreciated.
So, here is a part of the first verse:

Intoxicated strangers
in a bar I do not know
the kind of place where fallen angels
come to hit their all time low
Question: in the last line, I have settled for "hit" but I guess "reach" or maybe even
"find" would be viable?

And for the chorus:
And now I see
the whisper of a demon
by far outweighs the cries of angels
one by one
my angels all fell silent
and now there's only angels crying

Question:
Second line, whisper/whispering? demon or demons?
Third line: outweighs may not be the ideal word? It's a pita to sing anyway...
Last line don't feel quite right so suggestions are welcomed. I have tried stuff like "and now there is no more cries of angel" and "and now there is only demon's whisper" but none of them works 100%.

I know for sure I saw the angel/demon vs cry/whisper theme somewhere but I have been able to find it again. Anyone recognize it?

Intoxicated strangers
in a bar I do not know
The kind of A place where fallen angels
come to hit their all time low

Question: in the last line, I have settled for "hit" but I guess "reach" or maybe even
"find" would be viable? IMO, "hit" is perfect.

And for the chorus:
And now I see
the whisper of a demon
by far outweighs the cries of angels one by one
Then finally, my angels all fell silent
and now there's only angels and the crying's just begun.  


OR---------------------------------------------------

And now I see
the whisper of a demon
Can drown the cries of angels when they fall.
One by one, my angels all fell silent
and fallen angels fail to heed the call.    

 


Question:
Second line, whisper/whispering? demon or demons?  Again, "whisper of a demon" is perfect (imo.)
Third line: outweighs may not be the ideal word? It's a pita to sing anyway...
Last line don't feel quite right so suggestions are welcomed. I have tried stuff like "and now there is no more cries of angel" and "and now there is only demon's whisper" but none of them works 100%.

I know for sure I saw the angel/demon vs cry/whisper theme somewhere but I have been able to find it again. Anyone recognize it?   It's not familiar to me.  

[Jambrains]

The main character in the song would be  your typical drinking and gambling man. In the chorus the demon would represent the bad sides of ones character (or bad "friends" IRL) and the angels would mainly represent friends and family. The cries of angels would then be friends and family trying to help this guy getting back on track but fighting a losing battle against the demon(s) i.e. booze and gambling. So the idea with "and now there's only angels crying" is that friends have given up in him (no more cries) and in that respect they are silent even though they are now crying for him. The idea with mixing present and past tense was something like: he now realized the true nature of things and the past tense part is then looking back with that new knowledge and understanding what *actually* happened without him really realizing it (until now). Don't know if that makes any sense?

@HTW
Good, I'll go with "hit" & "whisper of a demon" then.
"A place where fallen angels" was actually my first choice but "The kind of place" worked better with the melody I have in mind.
Lot of good ideas, I'll chew on them for a while and see what I can use, some of them may be difficult to fit with the melody I'm afraid.

[hardtwistmusic]

"A place where fallen angels" was actually my first choice but "The kind of place" worked better with the melody I have in mind.

It's often fascinating how often a bit of a lyric that looks a little clunky on the written page is actually the only thing that works with the music. 

A pretty large percentage of the time, the "clunks" in a lyric (on paper) are simply a result of the reader failing to "get" the musical idea behind the lyric. 

I'm not at all surprised that the music makes that work. 

Good luck with the song.  Can't wait to hear it.

[Jambrains]

I'm getting closer.. the latest version below work well singing but I'm not sure if everything (esp. the last line) makes sense or if it's even correct English...

But now I see
the cries of all my angels
were always drowned by demons whispering
then one by one
my angels all fell silent
until their cries were nigh to nothing

[hardtwistmusic]

I love that.  

As far as "making sense" it doesn't have to completely explain....  it just has to convey the mood.  It does that extremely well.  

I think it's a really good chorus.  

[Jambrains]

OK, I think I'm just about done and about to record this. Any additional input or suggestions before I go ahead?
A draft of the first verse and chorus is available here if someone is interested:
https://soundcloud.com/jambrains/cries-of-angels-draft/s-tKyjr

CRIES OF ANGELS


V1
Intoxicated strangers
in a bar I do not know
the kind of place where fallen angels
come to hit their all time low

There's a sign behind the counter
it says "leave no stone unturned"
made me smile for just one moment
'cause I did just that and crashed and burned

CHORUS
But now I see
the cries of all my angels
were always drowned by demons whispering
then one by one
my angels all fell silent
until their cries were nigh to nothing

V2
A drunk, young couple in the corner
none of them more than a teen
I shrugged my shoulders, searched for quarters
and headed off to a slot machine

I put my hand upon the lever
said "let it rock and let it roll"
and just as all the wheels stopped turning
the scotch began to take it toll

CHORUS

BREAK
I stumbled through the hallway
tripped and crashed onto the floor
gazed up on a naked light bulb
and I could hear my demons roar

CHORUS

[MartiMedia]

Hi Jambrains! Wow the sound surprised me, not the style I'm used to hear from you. But it's a really nice surprise! I hear a good instrumentation, and I get the idea how the vocals will sound. Nice you added backvocals as well, they really add in my opinion. Not sure about the leadvoice, I'm afraid I can hear that english is not your native language (that goes for me too). Let's read what the native speakers will comment on that. Overall I really like this sound and I'm sure this will become a really nice production,
can't wait till you publish the results! Respect! MM

[adamfarr]

Very atmospheric - shades of Tom Waits...

As for not being a native, well you certainly can't tell from the lyrics. You could perhaps pay attention to the final "r" in counter (yours sounds a bit too long) and "just" not "yust", but everyone has an accent and I don't think this matters at all. Actually, it might even help take us to a bar far far away in an undisclosed European city.

The backing vocals really go well - and fit the angels theme of course... Cool!

[Jambrains]

@MM
Thanks man! As of this not being my usual style: remember the thing I posted in the kitchen about the "wall of guitars"? Well, they are coming in the second chorus 

@adamfarr: glad you liked it so far 

Regarding my english: this was actually the first time I ever sang the lyrics (only been humming while writing the lyrics) so I was very unsecured with it (and singing is not really my thing either) so trying to get the melody/timing right, keeping reasonably in pitch and getting a decent pronunciation all of the same time was just to much to handle I guess. 
So I was aware of the weird "counter" but not really the "yust". I trust you guys will help me weed such things out one this gets into the WIP section.  The accent will surely always be there esp. given the fact I get very little practice speaking english but I hope the whole vocal performance will be better (albeit just a little) when I have had time to practice some.

Any other takers on the lyrics before I go ahead? HardTwistMusic, where are thou? 

[jimwix]

I haven’t read other comments but my thoughts on your questions;

1.   ‘Hit’ is good, it’s an active word so suggests that they’re doing it to themselves whereas ‘Reach’ is more passive so it’s just happening to them – so Hit has more power to it here while reach is more wishy-washy.
2.   Whisper is good, but if whispering fits the phrasing of the tune better then it’s good too.  ‘Demon’ for me, in fact ‘The demon’ would tie in nicely with ‘intoxicated’ in the opening line as both give connotations of alcoholism.  But wouldn’t you hear the whisper of a demon rather than see it?
3.   How about ‘drowns out’, ‘kills’ ‘suffocates’ or ‘stifles’ – hard to say without knowing the phrasing of the tune.  You could try the thesaurus?
4.   ‘my angels all fell silent’ has slipped into the past tense while the rest of the song in in the present tense. Do you mean ‘fall’.
5.   Are the angels silent or crying - in my mind they wouldn’t be both? So I don’t think you can have them crying in the last line as the demon’s whisper has drowned them out and then silenced them. ‘And now my angels all lie broken’ is the first thing that came to my mind, but it depends on what you’re trying to say really…

[jimwix]

Ah, I should have read on first - you're already there