[crystalsuzy]

Hi guys,
Here's a song I posted a few years ago, but I thought I'd post it again for some fresh feedback. I'm thinking of doing a remix, so would like any thoughts on how I might improve it 
The lyrics to this song came to me in a dream...I hope there not too hippy trippy 

https://soundcloud.com/crystalsuzy/the-package-c

I got a package in the mail today
Addressed to me in a peculiar way
To a child of life, since her youth
Has been struggling for years just to find the truth
Out there looking hard, for truth

I opened it very cautiously
It wasn't paid for, no COD
Inside was a crystal, a falling star
A long moon beam and an empty jar
And a note that read something, like this

Now that falling star don't make you wish
On that long moon beam I've sent a kiss
Just fill that jar and come for a ride
Signed a secret admirer, from the other side

I pondered this very carefully
Why was this package sent to me
Just then that crystal began to shine
It showed me something that blew my mind
And I knew just what I had to do

So I put my troubles in that empty jar
Sent my dreams on that moonbeam way out far
And that shining star I clutched real tight
And the truth that is love, came to me in the night

I got a package in the mail today
Addressed to me in a peculiar way
To a child of life, since her youth
Has been struggling for years just to find the truth
Out there looking hard, for truth, for truth, for truth

[shadowfax]

Hippy trippy works for me..bit of a Mamas and Papas feel about this song..not sure anythiung needs changing
you could maybe try and bring the backing track up a bit and spread the stereo image of it a little bit.
the lovely vocals seem a little bit detached from the backing track..

lovely song.

best, Kevin

[ollie_h]

That is a great song; really enjoyed it. I got a bit of a "day in the life" vibe from it, which can only be a good thing.

If you're thinking about re-mixing it, my only thought would maybe be to take the acoustic guitar down a bit in the verses? The vocal is great, and the words are really interesting, so a quieter guitar might give it a bit more space to breathe, and could then gives you a bit of dynamic contrast when you get to the chorus?

As I say, really liked it.

Cheers,

Ollie

[PaulAds]

I really like this, Suzy...highly original and a little bit bonkers.

Loved the acoustic guitar break...brilliant!

And the the woodwind spiralling towards the end.

Excellent work 

[pompeyjazz]

This has a very late sixties vibe to it. I liked the song and thought the production was good as well. I don't know if the brass worked for me though. Overall I like it

John

[Jamie]

Hi Suzy, not sure I'd change too much, it's got your 'sound'. There are probably some techy tweaks you could do the mix and master to make improvements, but I don't think you should do anything to change the song!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie

[Dan James]

Nice song.

I'm not totally convinced about the brass, or the organ swirls - they might sound better on the recorder which figures at the end of the song, and which I really liked. However, that's probably impractical, as it would mean re-recording the relevant bits - unless they're MIDI sounds.

And unlike Ollie, I actually thought the guitar should be a little more prominent.

But overall, I think the song has a really nice, happy feel - "hippy-trippy" maybe, but what's wrong with that?

[adamfarr]

Lovely lyrics - great story and very original.

I thought the entire thing worked well - possibly I might like a little more variation in the male harmony - or perhaps losing it altogether (or sending it to some "aaah" BVs) around the "pondered" or "put my troubles" could create a more intimate feel which could suit those parts?

If I were really looking for something to change I might try varying the melody a bit more between lines 1 and 2 of each verse to give the ear something new. But it's a feast already so that would just be a petit four...

[Dan James]

I've listened again, and this time I was concentrating on the male harmony vocal - and I reckon it's a bit naff in places. At the start of various lines of the song, the male voice either comes in late, or else misses the first word/syllable.

This is a production thing, I know, not a "songwriter" thing. If I'm wrong to bring it up in this forum, please let me know.

[Paulski]

Nice one Suzy - really liked the lyrics and the up-beat feel in this.
Arrangement is good - the 5 line verses work IDK how but they do!
Best part for me was the slow-down at the end.
Shows you're not a prisoner of the click track 
enjoyed it
Paul

[crystalsuzy]

Hippy trippy works for me..bit of a Mamas and Papas feel about this song..not sure anythiung needs changing
you could maybe try and bring the backing track up a bit and spread the stereo image of it a little bit.
the lovely vocals seem a little bit detached from the backing track..

lovely song.

best, Kevin

Thanks for the 'Mamas and Papas' reference, Kevin can't go wrong with that Good idea about the backing track   I was such a novice when I recorded this one(not that I still aren't), but at least I know what 'stereo spread' means now

 

That is a great song; really enjoyed it. I got a bit of a "day in the life" vibe from it, which can only be a good thing.

If you're thinking about re-mixing it, my only thought would maybe be to take the acoustic guitar down a bit in the verses? The vocal is great, and the words are really interesting, so a quieter guitar might give it a bit more space to breathe, and could then gives you a bit of dynamic contrast when you get to the chorus?

As I say, really liked it.

Cheers,

Ollie

Thanks so much for your kind and helpful comments, Ollie   Great idea concerning the guitar
Thanks for the thumbs up on the vocals and lyrics

I really like this, Suzy...highly original and a little bit bonkers.

Loved the acoustic guitar break...brilliant!

And the the woodwind spiralling towards the end.

Excellent work  

Thanks for listening and taking the time to leave a comment Paul  "a little bit bonkers"
I love it   Glad you liked the guitar break and flute ending

This has a very late sixties vibe to it. I liked the song and thought the production was good as well. I don't know if the brass worked for me though. Overall I like it

John

thanks John I know what you mean about the brass Midi horns are always a bit risky...maybe I'll try doing some real horn shots

[crystalsuzy]

Hi Suzy, not sure I'd change too much, it's got your 'sound'. There are probably some techy tweaks you could do the mix and master to make improvements, but I don't think you should do anything to change the song!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie

Thanks for your encouragement Jamie assuming 'my sound', is OK   'tecky tweak' suggestions,
are just what I'm looking for, so if you have any, please bring them forth  

[johnlondon]

Hi Suzy,

Like this, original, dares to be different and entertaining.

wondered about the line,

"Just fill that jar and come for a ride"

Conjured images of samples being handed around.

[Wicked Deeds]

Shades of Suzanne Vega here. It's filled with charm and it's also evident how much work has gone into producing this song. As a song, there is little to critique. As a production, if you could achieve the same smoothness as as you have on th rest of the production it would be outstanding. I'd really make that acoustic guitar sit down in the mix which is a little abrasive - it gives it that really homespun quality but it could be so much slicker. A thoroughly  enjoyable  song!

Paul

[Wolfini]

Wow, very nice. Great lyrics and an unexpected musical direction you were taking this. There is a lot going on in the production, and I don't really see the need to do a rerecording.

Somehow this gave me a boogie-woogie feeling, especially in the chorus with the trumpet coming in. Perhaps it is the bass line? However I think if you really want to change something you might try to set the chorus apart more, eg by adding some boogie-like piano chords or a little more guitar there. Just an idea, since you asked for it.

Bye Wolfi