[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

I don't often poke my head into the lyric section and hope no-one minds indulging me this time.

Once upon a time there was a lyric which I wrote some music to which was, unbeknownst to me, being worked on by someone else too. I was then 'trumped' to use an expression pertinent to the original lyric (by Arkwright) by Tokenangmoh with his award-winning song 'Love To Hate Me'.
This was something of a shock at the time but I am pretty pleased that I was inspired to write some music which I'm working on at the moment, and quite liking so far.
So, I needed to pen a new lyric. Here it is.

We conjured up
That magic night
The stars seemed right
For casual romance                  or frivolous?

We filled the cup
In our delight
And chanced a bite
Of sweet circumstance

Tricked by your charms
My fate
Trickled through
My hands

I loaned out my heart
But only for a day
Right back at the start
I wanted it that way

Your whispered words
Softly creep
While I'm asleep
You subjugate my soul               or penetrate or what?

Like clay in your hands
I fold
Now I'm yours
To mould

I loaned out my heart
Not for you to keep
Shallow at the start
Now I'm in too deep
I didn't see
How could I tell
That I was falling
Under your spell

I slipped and fell
Under your spell
I slipped and fell
Under your spell
etc etc

[ImWaffle]

Nothing to suggest. Just want to say well done on a very well written piece.

Liked it very much. Thanks for sharing.

[Paulski]

This has a very nice flow to it. I esp liked these lines:

For casual romance

My fate
Trickled through
My hands

You subjugate my soul

The opening verse could be stronger - maybe something like:

We conjured up
A magical night
The stars aligned
For casual romance

I also wanted the theme to come in earlier - maybe just a half chorus after the first two verses?

I slipped and fell
Under your spell

Ignore at will!
Nice one - I can hear this done in your classic laid-back 30's style..
Paul

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Thanks for replying you two.

Paul, you've got me thinking now and although I was pretty much set on this structure I can see that you might be on to something there about coming in with the theme a bit earlier.
I've been mulling it over for a couple of days now and will be trying it out this weekend so thanks for that bit of advice.

Glad you both liked it.

Thanks.

[Marrianna]

I don't often poke my head into the lyric section and hope no-one minds indulging me this time.

Once upon a time there was a lyric which I wrote some music to which was, unbeknownst to me, being worked on by someone else too. I was then 'trumped' to use an expression pertinent to the original lyric (by Arkwright) by Tokenangmoh with his award-winning song 'Love To Hate Me'.
This was something of a shock at the time but I am pretty pleased that I was inspired to write some music which I'm working on at the moment, and quite liking so far.
So, I needed to pen a new lyric. Here it is.

We conjured up
That magic night
The stars seemed right
For casual romance                  or frivolous?

We filled the cup
In our delight
And chanced a bite
Of sweet circumstance

Tricked by your charms
My fate
Trickled through
My hands

I loaned out my heart
But only for a day
Right back at the start
I wanted it that way

Your whispered words
Softly creep
While I'm asleep
You subjugate my soul               or penetrate or what?

Like clay in your hands
I fold
Now I'm yours
To mould

I loaned out my heart
Not for you to keep
Shallow at the start
Now I'm in too deep
I didn't see
How could I tell
That I was falling
Under your spell

I slipped and fell
Under your spell
I slipped and fell
Under your spell
etc etc

Hi Cramer1930

The situation you found yourself in regarding writing music for lyrics could happen for other members.
What do you think about the subject being permitted to be discussed openly so that perhaps a solution could be arrived at to prevent the circumstances cropping up.

 I am sorry that it happened to you and it is only by you saying about your experience that I wonder if I have been in a similar situation. (I wrote the music and came up with a finished song quite some time ago, which received pleasing comments from the lyric writer but he has disappeared now so I don't know where I stand regarding the song.

I am worried that it might happen again and so, if there are some 'rules' on how the collaboration should be handled, problems needn't arise. Do you agree with this and the idea for a discussion without the fear of causing offence and making sure that the situation would be clear from the start?


Regarding your good new lyrics, I found the rhyming scheme fascinating as you have rhymed the 2 inner lines in some verses as opposed to the more conventional way of alternate lines. It would be interesting to hear the music.

I personally like how you have built the song to the last few lines.
I like the word 'casual' rather than 'frivolous' but it is just my thoughts which don't have to be taken notice of  

 Marrianna

[Marrianna]

 (I wrote the music and came up with a finished song quite some time ago, which received pleasing comments from the lyric writer but he has disappeared now so I don't know where I stand regarding the song. Cry

Hi  .. just to add that I have checked my emails since writing the above and it looks like the lyric writer is taking it that I will be getting vocals added although I sang the finished song on a basic  recording just to show how the finished song would sound i.e. words and music. The original request was for someone to put the words to music which I have done.
The last comment to me was that he may look at the words again but so far, not heard any more.  It is very disappointing not to be told where I stand and now wondering if someone else wrote some music which is preferred. I just need to know really.

[Vintage54]

         Not much improvement needed here, hard to find fault. But maybe the opening two verses could be a shorter slap, i.e.

               We conjured up
               A magic night
               The stars seemed right
               For romance

               We filled the cup 
               With sweet delight
               And toasted
               Circumstance

   Just the way i hear it man, but we all hear different tunes, good write and good luck.

                    Vintage54









 
             

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Marrianna
Thanks for reading the lyric and adding your thoughts.

I must say that I am not at all upset that the original lyric writer chose not to use my music. It was all done on a totally informal basis just for fun and because I enjoy the creative output.
He was under no obligation to use my music, just as I was under no obligation to continue with the collaboration myself should that have been my wish.

The fact that his lyric inspired me to write a new progression and melody has in fact given me a new song, and for that I am grateful.

I'm sorry that your experience has had a different effect for you but don't think that there can really be a set of rules drawn up for what are basically informal, non-contractual collaboration ideas.

Hope you can amicably resolve your situation.

Thanks for the input. Yes it looks like I'll be sticking with 'casual'.

Vintage54

Thanks for the input and I can see how you're thinking on the second verse. I was a bit worried that I was filling a cup one minute then taking a bite of something next minute but now I think I'm happy with the whole banquet. And I wrote this lyric to an existing melody & structure so can't be more concise with it in this case.

Glad you liked it anyway!

ian

[Marrianna]

Hi Cramer,

         Thanks for your reply and explaining so well.

For me, I am not in any situation being at loggerheads or anything, I'm glad to be able to say. I am just left wondering what to do with a song someone knew I was writing and liked. I could do the same as you and write my own words to the music I composed but I just need to know first where I stand with the collaboration and I am disappointed because I like the song so much.

      I mentioned that if there were some rules or guidelines to work within, I would know that, say in 6 weeks of not hearing any more, I call my music my own to do something else with. I will try emailing  again and hopefully will get a reply or maybe he will come back onto the forum. Because I loved the words so much which were very sad about the permanent loss of someone close, I found it very emotional to work on and so it was more serious and special. Seeing and singing the words was difficult at times and I was facing up to thinking about losing my daughter ... It was quite an achievement to have completed the song and I thought so many people could have related to it for the same sad reasons.

    I hope this just explains more clearly my first post to you and didn't mean it to look like making a 'mountain out of a molehill'.

     Good luck with your song which is using your original music.

Sincerely
Marrianna


       

[Marrianna]

Hi Cramer /   just to say I have Good news!  I have had a message at last! Very pleased 

Marrianna

[Dogmax]

I like this read, those two words "casual" and "penetrate" might flow better with the meaning of the line in song, all in all really nice read Ian, looking forward to hearing this.

[benjo]

 HEY LIKE IT

 this is good to read i really enjoyed it
 flows well and easy to get in to

   can't wait to hear this one to the music it deserves

          well done bud nice write

[Hendo]

Wow, I seriously can't find anything wrong with these lyrics.  I love the words and I'm actually getting a feel for how they flow (generally slow and smooth with gaps here and there).  Sticking what I presume to be the hook of the song at the end was interesting as well, breaks the mold.  Good job!