Hi Cherd - sorry for the delay in reading your post...
What do I think? I think the thoughts behind this are better than the execution. By which I mean it reads like it would be difficult and clumsy to sing. Having said that, I like some of the messages you're sending; I just think they need to be more personal, tied more closely into a specific human experience or image. It's very general without any specifics, which often leaves us feeling like we've witnessed something incomplete.
Work with it, I think there's material for a good lyric in there. I like the last line a lot, and the second line is very important from a writing point of view!