Hip-hop type verse that I'm working on.

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Taog

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« on: May 06, 2013, 10:25:07 PM »
This is nowhere near finished, it's really just a rough draft of a song that I'm planning on writing.
Any feedback or criticism will be very much appreciated!


If I said the sun died in day time would you believe me,
or cried in sadness at my happiest moment without reason.
I'm dying inside
but reason overcomes logic
like logic overcomes heathens.
I'm breathing cold steam and living unreachable dreams,
to feel unseasonal feelings
and sew the fabric of mankinds creases or so it seems,
in frequent.
or maybe I'm just too infrequent
I'm lazy and cohesive,
So I blend in and live in sequence.
It's Probably that decency deceives me in sequent sections of recent attachments
that I latch onto in me seeing disasters,
but proceeding to doctor the massive gaps in my past
and casting a tiny shadow in times recent.
perhaps I'm left with my lifes decent into madness or
caressing a lasting casualty stressed from living too happily
Infact
I feel the cracks are starting to lapse rapidly
because I'm collapsing with no apathy,
and I'm stuck in my own fantasy..
My only strategy is fallacy, everything I said was a lie
Now I can tie this rope and throw myself off this fucking balcony!

HappyBastard

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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2013, 06:38:38 PM »
The lyrics pretty much define the song.  Obvious I know but I mean that, based on the style you said this was, I can almost hear the song in my head from the lyrics.  Interesting rhyme scheme and I like the way it basically follows a trail of thought.  Keep it coming.
-- Logic is as logic does but a forgone life isn't life enough --

Taog

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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2013, 12:14:02 AM »
I like to experiment with different song structures, meaning that I usually come up with my own indeliberated thoughts and disregard any conventional methods to song-writing.

Thank you for the feedback I appreciate it greatly!