[OkayAwesome]

I imagine you sitting, edging over your seat
while my sides are just splitting to the sounds of defeat
don't get up, get up, on account of my entrance
I'm fed up, fed up, of you courting my sentences

I very much clearly remember turning you down
think I said 'no' then just span around
you might have thought your relentless attempts were kind of endearing
but no, boy, no
I said no to whatever you're thinking

I imagine you on tip-toes, seeking a peep
but my boobs are embargoed so fall flat on your feet
it's too late, too late, to change tack and be smooth
I'm not afraid to call you out for being rude

I very much clearly remember turning you down
think I said' no' then just span around
you might have thought your relentless attempts were kind of endearing
but no, boy, no
I said no to whatever you're thinking

and I'm not fussed if you call me uptight
or any other word you might find
'cause I'm aware that I'm not one
I'd be one of many that you've done

I very much clearly remember turning you down
think I said' no' then just span around
you might have thought your relentless attempts were kind of endearing
but no, boy, no
I said no to whatever you're thinking

[Paulski]

I was thinking this was a male speaking until I hit the "boobs" line  .
The verses have a good rhythmic flow but that long line in the chorus might be troublesome.
I'm also thinking too may "I's" and "You's" in this and it's not big on backstory which I guess is down to personal preferences. Is the past tense of "Spin" really "Span" or is it "Spun"? IDK

good luck with this
Paul

[seriousfun]

I like this, but it does have a couple of litterary issues.

Firstly, the past tense of spin is spun. Span is the distance between two points. Eg: the span of a bridge.

Secondly, this lyric has inconsistencies of tense. Some is written in current tense and other parts in past tense. Some examples for you:

The whole first verse:  current tense
The whole of second verse : past tense
Third verse : current tense


It would not be a biggie to just change the odd line here and there to make everything past tense, eg: I imagine.....  Becomes I imagined.....

I imagine you on tip-toes, seeking a peep
but my boobs are embargoed so fall flat on your feet

This line could also command a little attention as it actually reads that it is you boobs that fell flat on his feet. I am certain that is not what was intended. Interesting lines that grab the readers attention and tell yiu story in a unique and refreshing approach. Still very wordy, but thats nit a problem per se' as it provides ample flesh fir a musisian to surgically trim it to fit almost any music.

I enjoyed it. The only real issues I had were those of grammar, its an interesting write.

Allan.

[JonnyD]

Some bits of this I really love. For example I love the line 'I very much clearly remember turning you down', and also the 'endearing/thinking' rhyme.

Most things I have a problem with have already been mentioned and are to do with grammar and syntax. It does cloud some of the meaning for me.

I am also not really a fan of the whole 'span around' line. In my mind I picture the girl just spinning on the spot for a while, which would be strange behaviour under the circumstances. 'turned' might be a better word than 'span/spun/spin/spen/spon (sic)'

Good write, it's got potential. The main thing is the grammar and syntax.