[Try2write]

Hey, this is the first song ever that i try to write, i hope you can tell me if i could write others or not ^^

re

Halo baby, it’s me this time
I’m going to shit on your face
And tell you some words with rhyme
I’ll show you really the case
Wait a second, put yourself in my place
You can’t even take it to second base
Not capable, fucking retarded, mental case
Lose my mind sick of your everyday stance
Well this is like everything always takes place
Tired, to put you in the first place
Guess what, now I am the ace


Re:  spread my wings so I can fly
Fall down when reach for the sky
Screamed for your help again
I just can’t take all of this pain

Mind illusions, all this games
Your play with me got no name
Guess what, I am not the only to blame
Put your dogs that you have tame
Struggle with your hall of fame
What I am saying it’s not the same
It’s reality babe, in a picture frame
All the sadness I overcame
I am gone put our photos in flames

Re: Lost my wings now I can die
Fall down when reach for the sky
Screamed for your help again
I just can’t take all of the pain











 

[tina m]

classic!

[Try2write]

can someone please tell me if this is bullshit cause i think its kind of bullshit
please be sincere i don't mind even if you tell its the worse thing ever ^^

[S.T.C]

I don`t like the language used..do`nt know what type of person would want to listen to this...not saying its badly written..just not my sort of thing...write something else and then i`ll give you my opinion on your talent.

[The Corsair]

Well, I have 3 things to say here.

1 - 'Fucking retarded' is a terrible phrase to use here. It's just unnecessarily angry, it's clearly not true and it'll alienate almost anyone that pays attention to lyrics.

2 - I can't speak for everyone, but personally I hate songs that self-reference just for the sake of self reference. The mention of it being a song adds nothing IMO.

3 - Grammar is your friend. Yes it's all about the craft, but having proper grammar (to a reasonable extent, you don't exactly have to fullstop every line) in your lyrics and in your posts is seriously helpful for those reading it.

I think there's some potential in your writing. It's a tad brutal for my liking, but then again if it were a heavy metal song it would be fine.
What sort of sound/genre is it intended for?

[titiami]

i think you should try to rewrite it, there is so much bad language in it, it will come out good if you make it simple coz already you got something going on.

[Try2write]

well thanks for answering to my question, i wanted to make like an hip-hop think but i see its no good, maybe I'll try write something else, anyway thanks for the comments ^^

[James Nighthawk]

Considering we are here to give honest opinions, I think mine is in line with Tina's. As in, it made me laugh out loud. It also concerns me a bit like Corsair.

I am not easily offended by language so that didn't bother me, I find extreme language to be rather silly and great for comedy. Although I agree with Corsair - rarely should "retarded"/"mental" be used in prose. When they are used in balance in comedy (South Park/Wayne's World are two examples that come to mind) context is more free to put them in place. Here they risk making you sound insulting.

What made me laugh was that the verses are so aggresive ("Shit on your face" - really?!) and oddball, and then you go into the worlds most cliched chorus line!


Re:  spread my wings so I can fly
Fall down when reach for the sky

It felt like two songs; one written by and angry potty mouthed teen, the second by someone crafting lyrics from my first songbook.

Also, 12 lines per stanza with one rhyme stem is fine, but only for very few styles. Rap and certain pop styles. For everything else (I may have missed some) it is exhausting.

You told us to be sincere even if we don't like it. There is much to learn I feel, but do keep at it