[seriousfun]

I am planning to do this song in the style of 'The Big O'  the musical challenge is going to be not getting it too close to any of his songs or I will be at risk of ripping off one of his songs. I don't want to copy a song just use a few of them for inspiration.

This is the lyric I have been working on to get to what I am aiming for. Its still very much a first draft at this stage.

Any suggestions for my consideration would be greatfully received.

UPDATED WITH AUDIO   http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/you-got-it-all-9608/



You Got It All
========

Oh lady, you got it all
One look, I fall
you got, sharp dresses
you got, soft caresses
you got it all

Oh lady you open doors
One knock, I'm yours
You got, addresses
You got, phone numbers
You got it all

CHORUS

One smile and you  pick me up
One  wink, Im puppyfied
One word, I'm ready to go
One pout, I know,  you lied


Oh Lady, you got style
One inch goes ten mile
You’re  cold hearted
You get men started
You got it all

Oh lady, you got it all
One look, I fall
you got, sharp dresses
you got, soft caresses
you got it all

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

Oh Lady leave me be
You go, I'm free
You got to leave town
You got to let me down
Easily


REPEAT CHORUS

[Paulski]

Allan - first draft? really? 
I could spend a week and not come up with something this good.
I thought - oh good, first draft - should be lots to nit-pick (rubs his hands)

Couldn't find a line awry!
Hit the RECORD button man.
Paul

[shortwhat]

this is honestly amazing, simple but so gripping. Keep up the excellent work man, can't wait to hear this recorded 

[tomcrocus]

Hi Alan,
           it's a song that sings easily in the head first time around
especially after you mentioned 'The Big O',i'm not really a one for
nit picking but there are no nit picks,as a first draft this is very nice,
                                                                                            best wishes,tom.

[OkayAwesome]

Hi seriousfun,

I think the weakest link here is the chorus, which for me the second and fourth lines feel a little second-rate compared to the relatively smooth progress you have going here. "Puppyfied" is never going to win me over no matter the context, and I'm also not convinced "pout" works either. For me the former strays too much towards a teenage valentine card, and the latter is more a sonic issue for me, I just don't like the sound of it in your chorus. Smile... wink.. word... pout. It might highlight the line melodically, but reading the lyric here I am of the opinion it is a problem word choice. I think the only other line thats grates for me is "you get men started". That line for me is pretty vague where your others provide fairly sharp insights and images. The repetition in the verses works well here I think, I like how the structure drips out these neat little details.

Have a good day.

[JonnyD]

Great and snappy, getting some strong Beatle-esque vibes.

Maybe swap 'puppyfied' with petrified/paralysed/hypnotised? It just seems like an odd word.

Other than that, really good. Nice, snappy and succinct. Often the hardest lines to write are the shortest ones.

Good write.

[seriousfun]

Yeah, puppfied is an odd word, i made it up.  Personally I think it should be awarded "word of the year" lol.

I stuck it in to sort of imply that he is treated like a puppydog, all meek and mild. After all she really has it over this poor soul.  I think I will most likely leave any edit on it till the recording stage and see how it sounds sonically. If it works then it is inked in (as I like it ) if it doesnt sound good then the dog dies and gets replaced with something mainstream.

Thanks to all for your supportive comments ( and thanks all to the unsupportive ones as well ).

Allan.

[Vintage54]

    Alan,
       Shouldn't have mentioned the big O in the introduction my friend, i channeled him reading this. "Puppyfied" come on man, that really needs drowning. "Pout" just change it for "Look" or maybe that's too Roy Orbison, and the song that yours brings to mind. No more negatives apart from those, the listeners will decide on the music.

                      You got it
                        Vintage54

[seriousfun]

Thanks for the feed back Vintage.

I cant use look as I have already used it in the lyric with a positive context. I feel using it again  with a negative context would be confusing and so wouldnt work effectively. I am not stuck on pout for any particular reason, but its there until I get something better.  Maybe glance?  ......... Ill try it.

Puppyfied, I am not stuck there either, but i want to hear how it sounds before I replace it unless i can find a word that means the same with a good sonic signature. i havent got one yet, and one hasnt been suggested yet. I guess time will tell.

Thanks again with your thoughts.

[MartiMedia]

Hey Allan, to me these are some fantastic big 'O' like lyrics. And I know you can instrumentate (is that english) them just the way you like with a hint to 'O'. So to me you are heading right towards a unique song with a tad of Roy... ;-) Curious how this is going to sound! MM

[tomcrocus]

Hi Alan,
           i've had to come back to "you got it all", "Puppyfied",i can imagine
as it's being sung i'm sure it would sound allright,it's just that word puppy,the
only other word as suggested and i can think of is hypnotised,but then again
"Puppyfied"might just be the word of the year,
                                                               respect to your lyrics,tom.

[PeeJay]

Hi Allan,

Looks like you're hitting a purple patch with these lyrics lately.

Another good read all the way through and you could hear music to it. I got a Jerry Lee Lewis feel. Same sort of era as Roy Orbison I suppose.

Nice one,

Phil.

[seriousfun]

For those of you interested I have now finished recording this song. Stayed with the original and controversional 'puppyfied' word, a few minor alterations though as suggested in this thread.  For those wanting to hear the finished product it can be found here

http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/you-got-it-all-9608/

[PeeJay]

Hi Allan,

That was an enjoyable listen. Grows on you after a couple of spins.

You certainly got the Orbison vibe with echoes of Pretty Woman in there.

Phil.

[tomcrocus]

Hey man i checked it out,that's friggin cool,
that's one of the best impressions of the big O i've ever heard,
i don't know if that was purely intended,"PUPPIFIED",definitely
the word of this year,
                               nice one alan,
                                                   tom.