[Nicolajane87]

Hi, these are my finished lyrics for my song 'breathe'. Any feedback or advice appreciated thanks.

Breathe

Verse one
We've been through this many times before,
Where I'm walking out heading straight for the door,
Then you stop me, beg me to stay,
Telling me that you'll change your ways.

But you just remain the same,
Manipulating and your mind games,
I'm tired of you controlling me,
I think it's best that I leave.

Chorus
I can't stay in this relationship no more,
I can't stand to be around you no more,
Need to be free from you,
So I can finally breathe,
Breathe, breathe, breathe,
Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Verse two
Feeling like a prisoner in my own home,
Don't ever get no time on my own,
It's an unhappy situation,
There's no love or devotion.

Lack of communication,
Fed up with all of your accusations,
I derserve so much better than you,
Shouldn't have to deal with the stress that your putting me through.

Chorus

Verse three
My eyes are wide open now,
I've had enough I'm walking out,
Know what your really all about,
No more hurt from you I will allow.

Chorus

[seriousfun]

Hi Nicola,

A very nice first post. Its an age old issue and you have tackled it well, especially in the chorus which sums up the lyric nicely.

While on the surface of it the structure looks nice and tidy I do believe that this would be very difficult to put to music given the large variation in line lengths when comparing the verses against each other. The first three verses all end with lines of 7 or 8 syslables and then for some reason the fourth verse ends with a line of 15 syllables the pure logistics of fitting that line in is going to cause issues so I would suggest trimming that line.

You have five verses here and was hoping to see the story progress somewhere along the way but the verses all appear to me to say more or less the same thing albeit in different words. Its an easy fix as you could leave the first four verses more or less unchanged, save for the line I pointed out, and then turn the fifth verse into a bridge. This would allow you to go somewhere completely different in the lyric and throw in a curve ball like a sudden change heart and stay, or actually leave and say how great it feels. A bridge would lend itself to either approach and would give the lyric more dynamic and actually take the story someplace with some resolution at the end.

Just my humble thoughts for you to consider or ignore as you see fit.

Its a good lyric and an enjoyable read, I hope you don't mind the two points I offered to improve it.

Allan.

[hardtwistmusic]

I also felt that the story could have "developed" and "progressed" a little better. 

I didn't find the differing lengths of the lines to be any barrier to finding a vocal melody.  This sang on first try with relative ease.  Probably at a slower tempo than you might have liked, but it still sang easily, and with pretty good drama.  I had no trouble "evening out" the lines to fit the same tempo. 

I think your lyric is a very good "first write."  That's half of writing a lyric.  The second half is listening to criticism rejecting some, accepting some, and "crafting" the lyric to be the best it can be.  What you have is a great start waiting to be crafted into something more. 

It takes me FAR more time to craft a lyric than to write one.  "First write" is often less than 45 minutes - sometimes all at once, and sometimes spread out over days, weeks, or months.  Crafting always involves at least another two to three hours - and the crafting is ALWAYS spread out over days or weeks, and sometimes years. 

I hope this helps. 

[Nicolajane87]

Thanks for your replies, I will take the advice onboard, it's my first song lyric I've wrote in a while.

[Nicolajane87]

Made some changes, let me know what you think, thanks.

Breathe

Verse one
We've been through this so many times before,
Where I'm walking out heading straight for the door,
Then you stop me, beg me to stay,
Telling me that you'll change your ways.

Verse two
But you just remain the same,
Controlling and playing your mind games,
Feeling like a prisoner in my own home,
Can't take much more, no more.

Bridge
It's such an unhappy situation,
There's no love or devotion,
I can't keep being treated this way,
I just need to get away.

Chorus
I can't stay in this relationship no more,
I can't stand to be around you no more,
Need to be free from you,
So I can finally breathe,
Breathe, breathe, breathe,
Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Verse three
Fed up with all of the arguing,
And I haven't got the strength to keep on fighting,
Tried to make it work but I'm done with trying,
Don't want no more tears, no more crying.

Bridge
My eyes are wide open now,
Know what your really all about,
I've had enough I'm walking out,
No more hurt from you I will allow.

Chorus

Verse four
It's time for us to sit down and communicate,
There's no going back now it's too late,
Think it's best we go our separate ways,
I would rather be on my own anyway.

Chorus

[PeeJay]

Hi,

I thought this was a decent account of a relationship break up.

I would have stuck with your original version but try to even out the syllable counts in each line so it reads smoothly.

Then put one bridge in between the last two run throughs of the chorus.

Try to make the bridge say something different to the verses. Give a different angle so to speak.

Feel free to ignore and welcome!  :-)

Nice one,

Phil.

[Nicolajane87]

Ok, thanks

[hardtwistmusic]

I like the changes.... but there are parts of the original that didn't make the cut that I liked a lot too.  

My advice at this time would be to just don't be in a hurry to make decisions about what to leave in and what to leave out.  You have too many lines.... but don't be in a hurry to make decisions about which are the best.

Not having enough lines to tell a complete story is a problem.  Too many lines is like too much money.  It's an easy problem to solve.  And you can solve it tomorrow instead of today.  

I'm not saying to procrastinate.  If you have great ideas, go with them.  But don't be afraid to let ideas "percolate" either.  Time can clarify in your mind what you want to say, and which lines you can best say it with.  

So my advice is to keep everything for now.  After a time away from the lyric, cut it down to size and discard the lines that are least useful.  (Or.... keep them and use them for the start of another lyric.)  I never throw anything away.  

As far as "evening up the lines," I disagree with Peejay on that - at least for now.  If/when you (or someone else) adds music, THEN is the time to even up the lines.  Whoever writes the vocal melody and instrumental is going to do that anyway.

The last thing you want is to remove some syllables, then the melody writer adds them back in.... but they are not YOUR lyrics/syllables.  Let that person CUT syllables, not add them.  

If it's you writing that vocal melody, you'll clearly see what you need to do when you write/perform the vocal melody.  In my opinion, doing it now is premature.  

[seriousfun]

Interesting post this one. I am watching to see how this lyric develops with feed back and edits. I think structurally, what you have done is a step in the right direction, you got rid of that long line, and as hardwtist says the rest could wait till later. I change my lines all the time at the recording stage to fit in with sudden ideas of phrasing etc...

The next change you need to look at is to only have the one bridge as PJ mentioned, and make it late in the piece so that you have a structure like V1 C V2 C V3 C B C . When I write I usually decide on the structure right up front and then think of them as boxes to put my ideas in. I come up with a bunch of ideas and put them in the appropriate boxes. If the idea doesnt fit in a box then does not go in the song. I keep it for another song

The bridge, as PJ so rightly said, is there to take the song away in a different direction or perpective. It is also treated differently musically by the musician. If you dont want to depart from the feeling of the verses then you dont need a bridge. Not all songs have bridges. Even choruses arnt found in all songs.

I hope this brief description of song structure is a benefit going forward and helps you with your next song.

Allan.

[empyreantic]

I don't have much to say, but I'll leave a little comment. To me "breathe" is a very beautiful word - it signifies what we, as humans, do to live; what makes us alive. It also just sounds really great. Therefore it's a good word to base a song around. However, I think you should try to use it a bit sparingly - if you don't repeat it that many times in the chorus, but rather try to magnify and put emphasis on the word with your song, I think you would leave a stronger impression on the listener. Just a quick thought. Might just be me Still, I'd say don't repeat it, but rather have a short instrumental or something to leave the word hanging a bit. Good luck with the song

[Nicolajane87]

Thanks for your replies, I am gonna keep all the lyrics and I'm not gonna rush into finishing this song, your feedback is really helpful and useful for me as I have only just started writing songs again. As for putting music to this song it's something I would like to do but I don't know how I would like to learn thou, I don't play any instruments but I like to think I have an ok singing voice

[hardtwistmusic]

Thanks for your replies, I am gonna keep all the lyrics and I'm not gonna rush into finishing this song, your feedback is really helpful and useful for me as I have only just started writing songs again. As for putting music to this song it's something I would like to do but I don't know how I would like to learn thou, I don't play any instruments but I like to think I have an ok singing voice

You can write music from your computer with the right software.  I use a little $30.00 software from Microsoft called "Microsoft Songsmith" to start some songs.  It's billed as a songwriting software, but it really only generates chords. 

I also use a software called "Notation Composer" which lets me drag and drop notes onto a staff.  If you have a small amount of music education, and can read music (not necessarily in real time) you can write in Notation Composer.   There  is now a "freeware option" to Notation composer.  I don't know what it is, or how to use it.  The Notation Composer software cost me $75.00 six years ago. 

There is a free "Mixer Software" called "Audacity."  I don't use it, and can't help with it, but several people here use it. 

Apple's "Garage Band" probably does all that "Songsmith" and "Notation Composer" do combined.  There are several people here who use "Garage Band." 

If any of that is interesting to you, just send me a private message with any questions. 

[Vintage54]

   Hello,
     This is like a half opened flower, but a flower nonetheless. Line 2 doesn't work for me, stumbles on the tongue. Why not just "where i'm walking out the door"? The last line of the 2nd bridge also doesn't work for me, though i'm struggling to find an alternative. Then coming to the final line "I would rather be on my own anyway" this doesn't ring true, and is a somewhat weak ending. But all in all, its a pretty good opener.

                   Flower will grow
                        Vintage54

[Nicolajane87]

Ok thank you I'm making some changes to the song and I'm just gonna have 3 verses and the choruses no bridges

[hardtwistmusic]

   Then coming to the final line "I would rather be on my own anyway" this doesn't ring true, and is a somewhat weak ending. But all in all, its a pretty good opener.

                   Flower will grow
                        Vintage54

From my perspective, That is EXACTLY what people who fear and hate being left on their own say.  It's like whistling past the graveyard to prove you aren't scared.  But if you weren't scared, why bother whistling?   

I think it's a "perfect lie" to end the song on.