[CaliaMoko]

FINAL VERSION (Probably)

SHELTERED BY THE DARK

VERSE 1
When things get bad, too rough to bear
And I am sure that nobody cares,
I go running through the dark.

VERSE 2
The night is clear; the moon is bright.
I feel no fear. I trust the night.
I am running through the dark.

CHORUS
My tendency is to hide from the world.
The dark is my oyster and I am the pearl.
It's okay to run and hide.
But I have to come back inside
Eventually.

VERSE 2

BRIDGE
Breezes blowing through the grass;
The gentle sound is calming me.
And peace surrounds me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah.

VERSE 3
I love the dark; I'm not afraid.
The earth is warm; my sorrows fade.
I am sheltered by the dark.

CHORUS

VERSE 3

I am sheltered by the dark.
I am sheltered by the dark.

Copyright © 2016 Vicki Morrison

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone for all the valuable feedback. It was so helpful and a lot of fun. And more rewarding than just sitting here writing by myself.

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Material below can be disregarded--except for historical purposes.
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I've added edits to update this entry with changes made as a result of reviewing feedback and thinking and thinking and reviewing, etc. I've put the edits in with the lyrics, showing which parts I'm replacing with what.

My intention with this song is to recreate the feeling I had a time or two in my youth--maybe age 11-14--somewhere in there.

It was summer, but it was dark (so it must have been pretty late). We lived in the country on a farm and had a very large yard. There was a boat lying upside down at the bottom of a hill a little way from the house.

I was distraught and needed comfort but there was none to be had. So I ran outside and down the hill to the boat where I threw myself to the ground and huddled on the warm grass. Somehow it was comforting.

Keeping in mind this background, here are the lyrics I'm working on:

SHELTERED BY THE DARK

Verse 1:
 1. When things get bad, too rough to bear
 2. And I am sure that no one nobody cares
 3. I go running through the dark.

"nobody" fits my melody better than "no one"

Verse 2:
 4. The sky is clear; the moon is bright
 5. I feel no fear; I trust the night
 6. I'm I am running through the dark

One change in verse 2, line 6 making things more parallel

Bridge:
7. The shining moon is throwing shadows
 8. Blotting out what I can see
 9. Like a blanket on my shoulders
10. Warm protection over me, oh yeah....

I've gotten so frustrated with the bridge, I've changed it completely; started over:
Now I’m lying in the grass
Breezes moving through the grass
The earthy warmth gentle sound is calming me.
And peace surrounds me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah

It may not actually be any better, but it does convey more closely what I want to say.
Re-edited the  bridge

Verse 3:
11. I tell myself I'm not afraid
12. The earth is warm; my sorrows fade
13. I'm sheltered by the dark.

I love the dark; I'm not afraid.
The earth is warm; my sorrows fade.
I am sheltered by the dark.

And I need a chorus--maybe...
My tendency was to hide from the world
Because I was such a sensitive girl.
It’s okay to run and hide
But I have to come back inside
Eventually

Or maybe that should be the bridge and the bridge should be the chorus.
And I'm still not satisfied with it. I would like to get away from the word "girl". So far, I'm striking out. Something about an oyster hiding a pearl?

Lyrics copyright 2015 Vicki M
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I'm finding the feedback very helpful; these forums are wonderful! Thanks for all the feedback so far. This is the end of my edits. For today, anyway.

I'm looking for specific feedback on some of the lines. I've numbered the lines to make it easier to reference which ones. EDIT: I've changed the lines that need feedback; they're marked within the lyrics now.

I am struggling with lines 7, 8, and 11, in particular. The first two (7 and 8 ) don't mean much, really. I've worked on them a lot and ended up with something that suits the song in terms of rhythm and rhyme but not in terms of meaning. As written, I would say it means the bright moon is casting shadows that block my sight. But I'm not trying to look at anything, so it doesn't add anything to the song. POSSIBLY FIXED

Line 11 implies I'm trying to convince myself not to be afraid, but the truth is, I don't need any convincing. I am already not afraid, as indicated in line 5. As far back as I can remember, the dark has always seemed friendly, cozy and comforting to me. So I don't need to "tell myself" not to be afraid. POSSIBLY FIXED

If you have any ideas that might trigger some new ideas for me, please post your feedback.

Thanks,
Vicki

[KaelJay]

Hi Vicki, I'm returning the favour by giving feedback. The song feels a bit vague, might need a bit more of detailedness. This is a cute story-telling of your childhood. It's from the hear and real (which I don't tend to write about). I think its a bit short for a song, making the meaning and the details less. Correct me if I'm wrong with the meaning of the lines or verse.

Verse 1:
This is about "people say that the night is scary, but you don't care". Line 2 makes it a bit confusing. Rather than "no one cares", shouldn't it be "I don't care"? In my opinion.

Verse 2:
This is my favourite part. It seems very uplifting. My problem is that Line 4 is basically saying that "The night has bright skies". But In Line 6, its saying "I'm in the dark" It doesn't really make sense to me, in my opinion.

Bridge:
I don't really get this part. "The moon is blocking me" (Line 7 & 8 ). Didn't it said that the moon was bright in Line 4? Lines 7 & 8 are somehow very different and apart in story. "The moon is blocking me like a warm blanket". This might need some bits of work.

Verse:
This is a good one, it's simply saying that "I like the dark because its comfort". Very simple and vey little to say bad about.

I think this needs a bit more detail, but it's very solid. Keep up the great work.

Mikael

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks for the feedback, Mikael!

I can kind of see where the confusion comes from; like you say, not all the thoughts are complete enough. What I'm trying to say is, [line 1] something happens in my life that makes me feel really bad and [line 2] it seems like no one cares, so [line 3] I run out into the night for solace.

Once I'm out there, [line 4] I see the sky is clear and the moon is shining brightly. [line 5] I'm not afraid because I like (trust) the dark, and [line 6] I keep running farther (until I get to the boat). Saying I'm in the dark is only referring to my being outside at night after it gets dark. Even though the moon is out, it's still darker than day. So there wasn't any deep meaning to that, just a reminder that I'm outside at night, which feels comforting to me.

Then I don't like lines 7 and 8, because they don't add anything to the song, as you noticed in commenting on the non sequitur of the "blocking" moon.

Lines 9 and 10 are meant to indicate how comforted and safe I feel in this environment. And, of course, line 11 definitely needs work, as the thought there doesn't fit at all. So I'm looking for helpful hints for these problems.

Thanks for taking the time to provide your feedback. I appreciate it!

Vicki

[GTB]

Hi CaliaMoko, I'm going to add my two-penneth if you don't mind, as I'm feeling huge relief after struggling all day getting two of my own lyrics up to scratch 😀
I like your song and the subject is well formed, well told and flows well. I see no chorus! Which isn't mandatory, but you could simply repeat line 3 a couple of times to drive home the message a bit more.

Lines 7 & 8. I agree they add little to what you've already said. How about something like;
"My eyes are drawn into the shadows
Nothing there distracting me
Darkness resting on my shoulders
Warm protection over me, yeah"

Line 11. Why not tie it back to the beginning?
"when things are bad I'm not afraid"

I get the feeling you are trying to be very economical with yor lyrics, which is commendable, so you've given yourself an aversion to 'filler'. However, blatant repetition is a valuable tool 😀

Hope there's something here to help you get your lyrics where you want them, good luck.
GTB

[CaliaMoko]

GTB,

You have really good ideas! Thanks. I especially like your solution to the "not afraid" line. I can't believe I couldn't think of something like that.

Since I posted, I thought of this:

 7. The shining moon providing solace
 8. Like a blanket over me
 9. I raise my face to sprinkling stardust
10. Sweep away my agony, oh yeah....

Except I don't like those last two lines. So I'm going to consider your
 7. My eyes are drawn into the shadows
 8. Nothing there distracting me
 9. Darkness resting on my shoulders
10, Warm protection over me, oh yeah

I wish I could come up with a way to make it more clear that the feeling here is one of being cuddled by the night and feeling safe. I like your suggestion for lines 7 & 8 better than what I had, but it still doesn't seem to say what I want.

Anyway, I feel like I'm closer to the solution, so thank you again! Now I want to see if I can find your lyrics/songs to see what they're like.

Vicki

I have to say, this process is g-r-u-e-l-i-n-g! But I still like it.

[Oldbutyet]

First of all you're not going to like what im going to to say but here it is.

Your lay out is personal to many one two three whatever but your words are good really good.

Thats all im going to say for now.

[CaliaMoko]

Oldbutyet, I very much want honesty; that's why I'm here. I was just wondering a few minutes ago if people are being too nice. So I really don't mind your comments at all. I appreciate them!

Unfortunately, I don't understand the first part, that my layout is "personal to many one two three"? I would welcome more explanation of that, if you should feel moved to provide it.

Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback, in any case. I do appreciate it!

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

Keeping in mind this background, here are the lyrics I'm working on:

RUNNING THROUGH THE DARK

Verse 1:
 1. When things get bad, too rough to bear
 2. And I am sure that no one cares
 3. I go running through the dark.     (VERY NICE START)

Verse 2:
 4. The sky is clear; the moon is bright
 5. I feel no fear; I trust the night
 6. I'm running through the dark        (Very nice follow up to your nice start) 

Bridge:
 7.[/s] (The moon throws giant shadows)
 8. That soothe and comfort me
 9. Like a blanket on my shoulders
10. Warm protection over me, oh yeah....  (BTW the only thing I could find wrong with those lines is that you didn't like them yourself.)
Verse 3:
11. I tell myself I love the dark. I'm not afraid
12. The earth is warm; my sorrows fade
13. I'm sheltered by the dark.

Lyrics copyright 2015 Vicki M
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If you have any ideas that might trigger some new ideas for me, please post your feedback.

Thanks,
Vicki

[CaliaMoko]

Oh "hardtwistmusic", you have a way with words. Thank you so much. I really, really like the "I love the dark" line especially!

I think my problem with the "throwing shadows" section is it just isn't clicking with me, yet. I do like the "soothe and comfort me" idea.

It keeps getting closer, and it is so helpful to have a forum like this!

Sincerely,
Vicki

[GTB]

Yeah, good line HTW for line 11, say it like it is!
It's looking better 😎

[hardtwistmusic]

Oh "hardtwistmusic", you have a way with words. Thank you so much. I really, really like the "I love the dark" line especially!

I think my problem with the "throwing shadows" section is it just isn't clicking with me, yet. I do like the "soothe and comfort me" idea.

It keeps getting closer, and it is so helpful to have a forum like this!

Sincerely,
Vicki

I was hoping it would help.  Glad it did.   BTW... when you are done with these verse and bridge lines, you DO need to come up with a chorus that sums this all up in a catchy way. 

[CaliaMoko]

Yeah, I've been avoiding thinking about that part--even telling myself maybe I could do without a chorus altogether. However, I am finally starting to get a glimmer of what the chorus should look like. The first line of it might be something about: "Running through the dark" followed by some general explanation of what that does for me. Maybe. I'll get there. I think.

[...]   BTW... when you are done with these verse and bridge lines, you DO need to come up with a chorus that sums this all up in a catchy way. 

[CaliaMoko]

I have a question about protocol here. When I've gotten some feedback and used it to rework the song, should I post the revised song in a new thread, or put it in a reply to this thread?

[GTB]

I'd keep it in the same thread myself, easy fo people to find. You can edit the text in the original post - not sure if you knew that 😀

[adamfarr]

Hi Caliamoko - thanks for letting us in on your process here. Great to see the song evolve!

I would say don't be too hard on yourself - sometimes you can undo good things by overthinking and your first thought was best! For example I didn't think the solace line was an improvement (where it's turned out is much better so perhaps it was a necessary part of the evolution).

I actually think your verse three might be your chorus in disguise. For me it encapsulates your message and could be quite hooky and bear repeating. Of course that means an additional melody line required but I think inevitably you were going to need a third section.

It might even be that your title could end up being "Sheltered by the Dark". Slightly different feel if you did that.

So overall I think this has all the potential to be a good one - short effective lines to support an unusual theme that makes the listener think. Please do take or leave all the above, just my immediate thoughts and you have obviously spent much more time with this song than any of us has.