[gambleranonymous]

Looking for constructive advice. This song is about the crutch drugs create and for some leads to the end.
Im trying to study the art of lyric writing so it may not be pretty 

Broken Crutch

verse

when she wakes her rabbit is near
down the hole she slides, to find
takes her poison, numbs her mind
one foot, two, another day just get through
She puts her best dress on

chorus

and she cries inside
and she hides the lie
she still lives her life
filled with false pride
part of her has already died
but at the end
she must start again

verse

he opens his eyes distorted by pills
head high in clouds of confusion
no need to feel, he owns his delusion
one foot, two, one more day he'll be through
he puts his best shirt on

Chorus

and he cries inside
and he hides the lie
he still lives his life
filled with false pride
part of him has already died
but at the end
he must start again

verse

how many days to get through
to hide, to lie, to stay untrue
its embrace is near, it will not stall
the cold dark wind, locks their jaw
one foot, two, but this day they'll not get through
put your black clothes on

No pain to hide, no need to cry
for both of them has fully died.

[Jess]

I really like this, especially the chorus, the way it rhymes and is written, it sounds very dark and mysterious. The only thing I would say is that, if you hadn't of written what your song was about at the top, I wouldn't of been 100% certain what it was about, I know you talk about poison and pills but those were the only clues I was getting to it being about drugs, at the same time I quite like how the theme isn't crystal clear, it adds to the 'dark' feel of the song- I know I just contradicted myself, sorry. But, I think this is a really good write

[Sing4me88]

A well written piece that flows quite well. I think the chorus is great and I love the 'one, foot, two' line as well. Some great descriptive lines that give this one a dark sense of intrigue

[gambleranonymous]

Wow! wasnt sure my style could translate to song.
I so appreciate  the responses. Jess thanks for the advice.
Think I should change the title?

[Lyrycalsoulz]

i loved the chorus asside from the last 2 lines hahah but im sure with a track and music and melody that would be omitted and it would actually flow just for me it kinda of felt little distorted but the rest was quality and i really enjoyed the read a lot

[gambleranonymous]

Thanks for the kind words. I feel the last two chorus lines but also feel it throws off the flow. I wish I could get a melody to it, it would really help to see how to improve it.

[Hall]

Hi I really love the words you have written, they are Great !!! I feel you can make the Chorus even better by taking out a few word to make it flow better, I can feel somebody will sing this very sweetly very soon     


She cries inside
She hides the lie
Still lives her life

He cries inside
He hides the lie
Still lives his life

[S.T.C]

Nice work...think it would make a good song...any takers?

[gambleranonymous]

Yea, ive worked on it so
me and am collabing witj a musician in Nashville. He confinced me to copyr

[gambleranonymous]

Hall, that is almost what it looks like. Now that Ive heard it it looks just a bit different.

[Hall]

It is very singable song the less words like and the better, it will be I feel, even taking out he and she has it looking much better on paper little thing like that helps a song big time

[gambleranonymous]

Agreed. Appears you have a keen eye for this.  However, much depends on the melody as well and currently the genre Im testing allows it to flow quite well. As I said earlier It did look very close to what you laid down. I have a couple more Im alsoalso working on a
nd may need help if your interested?

[Hall]

I just like simple words that say's a lot and you have done that with that chorus,whenever you are ready I'm here for any help you need will be an honor.

[calmlondon]

I also think this is lyrically strong. Not to take a cue from your name tag gamanon, but I was reading this as an a glimpse into addiction, and like life is a bit like 'groundhog clean page' while you're in it.  I felt this song big time.