[Innominate]

I would appreciate any feedback. This one actually has some cohesive metaphors and I think the opening is strong along with the chorus. I know it's hard to judge without music but any comments are helpful. Thanks for reading.

Verse 1
Street Light
Illuminate the way
This road
Grows darker every day

Pre-Chorus
I'm not the man
I thought i'd be
I'm just a boy
Trapped in a suit of masculinity

Chorus
Feel the moon as it
Pulls the tide
Hide the pain as it
Starts to rise
Keep the waves on the
Inside

But I'm drowning
I'm drowning

Verse 2
Street Light
Illuminate the way
My eyes
Grow weaker every day

Bridge
Bright streets,
Left warming in the sun
Turn Cold
Whenever evening comes

Pre-Chorus
I'm not the man
I thought I'd be
What a fool to think
I'd end up with my dreams

Chorus
Feel the moon as it
Pulls the tide
Hide the pain as it
Starts to Rise
Keep the waves on the
Inside

But I'm drowning
I'm Drowning


Street Light
Illuminate the way
I'm lost
And it grows darker...

[S.T.C]

Whats it about? seems disjointed to me...although it all rhymes nicely!!

[Innominate]

Thanks for the comment. Which parts seem disjointed? Do you feel like the ideas don't connect or is it the writing style?

It's about growing up and living a life far removed from anything you assumed your life would be like when younger. It's about feeling alone against a world you aren't quite equipped for and failing. And it's about feeling incapable of getting the help needed or even expressing the conflict.

There are obviously more details but that's sort of the intent.

Any thoughts on how I might improve it?

[Jukentins]

I don't find it disjointed in any way. It's simple but communicates emotion, and I like simple strong songs. Good work! 

[noctu]

Lovely simple lyrics, put them to the right song and do it in the right way and, well, that's all I have to say.

Thanks for the comment. Which parts seem disjointed? Do you feel like the ideas don't connect or is it the writing style?

It's about growing up and living a life far removed from anything you assumed your life would be like when younger. It's about feeling alone against a world you aren't quite equipped for and failing. And it's about feeling incapable of getting the help needed or even expressing the conflict.

There are obviously more details but that's sort of the intent.

Any thoughts on how I might improve it?

This is what I have often written about/dwelled on.

I don't find it disjointed in any way. It's simple but communicates emotion, and I like simple strong songs. Good work! 

This basically. 

[Innominate]

They are simple lyrics it's true and i'm glad you two didn't find it disjointed, I was trying to figure out where that disconnect might be.


Noctu - It's something i've thought often about too so it looks like we have something in common. I look forward to reading some or your work about this subject if you choose to post them. (:


Thank you both for sharing your perspectives!

[Saeed AlSuri]

I would like to hear this song in music .. any luck  

[Innominate]

If I were a stronger singer and maybe knew how to record/mix better I would put it to music and post it. Perhaps I will feel confident enough some day, but not today. So no, no luck.

[Lyrycalsoulz]

Nicely done...i didnt find it disjointed .. at times i had to reread to make sense of the messages you was trying to portray and the meanin of the waves etc etc.. but overall it was goood good

[Saeed AlSuri]

Hello Innominate ..

Please look at my setup in the recording group and tell how difficult it is ??