[Paulski]

Hi
Sorry about the mix - and the bridge being so sparse, but comments on the song or lyrics would be much appreciated. It's not too late to change anything at this point.
Thanks in advance!
Paul

https://soundcloud.com/paulcanuck/a-love-like-that

A Love Like That (can only end in tears)
Copyright © 2013 Tennyson Road Music

How many times does she have to hurt you
Before you get it in your head?
How can you face these nights with all those crazy fights?
She leaves you lying there for dead
How many friends will have to alert you?
How many bars, how many years?
To see a love like that can only end in tears

How many times do I have to tell you
That that kind of love is wrong?
You listen to the end, you queue it up again
And make me play the same old song
And when the bartender tries to sell you
Another cold one that disappears
You'll know a love like that can only end in tears

Oh you think you've got some kind of curse
And she's cast it upon you:
You don't
And you think you're gonna miss her
from the time you decide to leave:
You won't
And you think that a woman like her must look good on you
But I wouldn't want to wish her on my worst enemy!

You know that happiness will avert you
While my guitar's ringin' your ears
You see, a love like that can only end in tears

solo

And you think that a woman like her must look good on you
But I wouldn't want to wish her on my worst enemy!

How many times do we have to divert you?
How many bars, how many beers?
Hey, a love like that can only end in tears!

[hardtwistmusic]

I left you a p.m. about this song. 

[Paulski]

Just doing a shameless bump to see if I can get a comment or two?
Please, please bash!
thanks in advance
Paul

[tokenangmoh]

Hello.

Actually, I like the comparatively rough sound of this, especially that bouncy guitar riff. Sure the bridge / B-section needs a bit more drive, but I'm sure it'll fall into place naturally.

The concept is good and seen through nicely.

It's a slightly odd structure - more like an AABA song than anything... Fortunately the verse melody is strong enough that it doesn't feel like it's lacking a chorus, and the last couplet in each verse gives a good sense of melodic and lyrical closure.

I do have a couple of issues with the lyrics in this one:

And when the bartender tries to sell you
Another cold one that disappears

feels like too oblique a way of saying "you're drinking too much because of her". It took me fractionally too long to parse it, and seemed like it was mainly there for the rhyme.

The other issue is that I'm not sure the "hurt" rhymes come through as naturally as they might. I think you pretty much get away with "alert"; but "avert" doesn't mean anything to me - shouldn't it be "avoid"? And "divert" doesn't seem like a word that guys at a bar would naturally say. I think it's cool that you rhyme words so far apart, but I'm not sure it's quite worth it in this case. If you want to keep your long-distance rhyme scheme, might you go with "break" instead of hurt in the first verse? I suspect its rhymes would prove at least as useful and flow more naturally. 

Having said that, I really like:

How many times do I have to tell you
That that kind of love is wrong?
You listen to the end, you queue it up again
And make me play the same old song

Looking forward to seeing where this goes...

Matt

[Paulski]

Hello.

Actually, I like the comparatively rough sound of this, especially that bouncy guitar riff. Sure the bridge / B-section needs a bit more drive, but I'm sure it'll fall into place naturally.

The concept is good and seen through nicely.

It's a slightly odd structure - more like an AABA song than anything... Fortunately the verse melody is strong enough that it doesn't feel like it's lacking a chorus, and the last couplet in each verse gives a good sense of melodic and lyrical closure.

I do have a couple of issues with the lyrics in this one:

And when the bartender tries to sell you
Another cold one that disappears

feels like too oblique a way of saying "you're drinking too much because of her". It took me fractionally too long to parse it, and seemed like it was mainly there for the rhyme.

The other issue is that I'm not sure the "hurt" rhymes come through as naturally as they might. I think you pretty much get away with "alert"; but "avert" doesn't mean anything to me - shouldn't it be "avoid"? And "divert" doesn't seem like a word that guys at a bar would naturally say. I think it's cool that you rhyme words so far apart, but I'm not sure it's quite worth it in this case. If you want to keep your long-distance rhyme scheme, might you go with "break" instead of hurt in the first verse? I suspect its rhymes would prove at least as useful and flow more naturally. 

Having said that, I really like:

How many times do I have to tell you
That that kind of love is wrong?
You listen to the end, you queue it up again
And make me play the same old song

Looking forward to seeing where this goes...

Matt

Thanks so much for the comments Matt - you always pick up on the parts that I struggled with, but quickly go into denial over haha. The hurt/alert rhymes were certainly a case where I painted myself into a corner - there aren't a lot of rhymes for "hurt" I think the Beatles learned that too with:

I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WERE DIVERTED
YOU WERE PERVERTED TOO
I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WERE INVERTED
NO ONE ALERTED YOU

I'll have a rethink on using "hurt" - that's the word that led me down that sorry path and it's kind of cliché anyway. And maybe it doesn't need that long range rhyme as you pointed out. Re the bartender line - I think "cold one" works but I'll try to reword - should not need parsing!

I'm glad the solo wasn't mentioned as a sticking point - the vocals go a little sharp at the end which I'll fix - but the concept of harmonizing with the lead guitar is a bit unorthodox IMO.

Thanks again
Paul

[tokenangmoh]

Hi again.

I got "cold one" immediately. The slight parsing delay was just while I connected the drinking to the relationship. The phrasing ("when the bartender tries to sell you") made the connection slightly oblique to me... Sure, I can infer that the beaten-up guy is drinking to drown his sorrows - but the construction puts the focus on the bartender, not the beaten-up guy, and that creates a slight delay.

And, while I think about it, the bartender probably shouldn't need to try to sell the beer; the guy should be an eager customer.

And yeah, George Harrison wrote some beautiful music there with a fantastic central image. But a lot of those lyrics are distinctly iffy...

Matt

[Paulski]

Hi again.

I got "cold one" immediately. The slight parsing delay was just while I connected the drinking to the relationship. The phrasing ("when the bartender tries to sell you") made the connection slightly oblique to me... Sure, I can infer that the beaten-up guy is drinking to drown his sorrows - but the construction puts the focus on the bartender, not the beaten-up guy, and that creates a slight delay.

And, while I think about it, the bartender probably shouldn't need to try to sell the beer; the guy should be an eager customer.

And yeah, George Harrison wrote some beautiful music there with a fantastic central image. But a lot of those lyrics are distinctly iffy...

Matt

Yeah - looks like they were having a time finding "ert" rhymes too - so I don't feel so bad.

[Jamie]

Hi Paul,
           Liked the riff, it carried the song along nicely, and you singing was good again. It had a good feel mainly because of the nice use of the backing vocals. For me that polished it a bit and made it more interesting to listen to. I didn't mind the sparse bridge.
             I' ll leave the comments about lyrics to those better qualified than I.
Cheers
Jamie

[dnafe]

It all worked for me except the bridge. Setting aside the sparseness, to me ears it seemed to be from a different song. then again with a little work it might meld nicely.

Try holding the pause after "how many beers" just to add a little more emphasis to the last lines of the song.

The other thing is I feel the guitar riff might be over used a little....hard to say because it is the central theme of the verses. Maybe could be modified a little to break up the sameness, if that makes any sense?

All in all you have a nice little rockin' tune here.

[Paulski]

Hi Paul,
           Liked the riff, it carried the song along nicely, and you singing was good again. It had a good feel mainly because of the nice use of the backing vocals. For me that polished it a bit and made it more interesting to listen to. I didn't mind the sparse bridge.
             I' ll leave the comments about lyrics to those better qualified than I.
Cheers
Jamie

Thanks for the kind words re my vocals Jamie.
I'm just learning lead guitar so I'm happy to hear the riff sounds OK.
Paul

[Paulski]

It all worked for me except the bridge. Setting aside the sparseness, to me ears it seemed to be from a different song. then again with a little work it might meld nicely.

Try holding the pause after "how many beers" just to add a little more emphasis to the last lines of the song.

The other thing is I feel the guitar riff might be over used a little....hard to say because it is the central theme of the verses. Maybe could be modified a little to break up the sameness, if that makes any sense?

All in all you have a nice little rockin' tune here.

Yeah - definitely needs more work esp in the bridge - hopefully I can make things meld. That riff IS overused - I just shamelessly pasted it in everywhere to get the structure down. I'll be sure to change it up a bit as I finish things off.
Thanks for commenting!
Paul

[diademgrove]

Hi Paul,

I like the bridge and the change in mood. However the Greek chorus parts You don't, you won't don't work for me. They tend to make the song drag as you have two changes of mood in the bridge. I think if you take them out the bridge will flow a lot better.

Liked the solo as well.

Enjoyed listening to that, please ignore me if you disagree.

diadem

[richmon]

Really like this. Good feel and nice riff. Like the solo with guitar and vocal. Would add too much more to the bridge as the sparseness works. Well done.

Richard