[DevyE]

Hi, I like the storyline but a few thoughts on the lyric:

Why are the two characters having a dialogue, e.g "tell me" and "I often think of you, do you do the same", there is no mention of them reminising?


"I often think of you, do you do the same?" appears to be a forced ryhme because yes he thinks of himself all the time, would be better if the line was changed to
"I often think of you, do you ever think of me' although this would change the flow.

The guy is a bad boy who breaks all the rules but is too shy to speak to you, those two personality traits appear to clash for me.

"I was looking for love that was overdue". To me this is a forced ryhme, why would love be overdue for a school girl?

The chorus appears to be a bridge to me so would make the "looking back all I can ask is why?" verse the chorus and make the chorus the bridge


good luck with it.

[Hugozhor]

Hi Gwyneth,

this is really great pop song with a theme everybody can relate to.

Great one!

Hugs

Hugo

[diademgrove]

Hi Gwyneth,

another great set of lyrics. The only thing that didn't really work for me was the reason why it didn't work out.

My suggestion would be to change the emphasis a little. In verse two I'd sing "Why oh why was I so shy?" In the last line I'd sing "My fear of rejection was stronger than you".

Slight changes but the responsibility for the regret belongs to singer which allows her to look back and ask what if?

I think Katy Perry would be more likely to sing, you had your chance boy, and you blew it. Another song altogether.

There are some really strong images here, and I'm impressed. If you disagree with the changes suggested feel free to ignore them.

Keith

Hi Keith,

Thanks for the comments and suggs. Well have a look at my reply to Nellie and you'll see this was a true story (me and him and the reason it never worked out was because of his fear of rejection, he was just so damn shy ahhhhhhhh and he was soooooooo cute 

Hi Gwyneth,

I see you missed some information out. You need to show us how shy he was. I'd be tempted to turn the third verse into a bridge and remove the two lines starting "My heart sank..." I'd replace them with lines that set up the date at the party and finish with me not showing up for fear of rejection.

If you don't want to go in that direction I still think the slight change of responsibility would work.

Keith

[benjo]

 well this is good stuff

 a pleasure to read this lyric, and a lovely story too
 nice tight lines with some great imagery

 really well done