[CaliaMoko]

This is intended to be basically a nonsense song about the moon, though not totally devoid of all meaning. What will help me with this? Well, first of all, if it's too off the wall, say so. The general idea is (1) starting out grounded but buoyant, then (2) shooting off into, and experiencing, space and drifting slowly back down, all the while (3) bathed in light which is sometimes obscured (by clouds, rain, fog) or indirect (reflected by the moon), and ending up back on the ground but looking up.  

Specific bits I'm wondering about:

1. "Ballerinas twirl on a dime". I don't see this adding anything to the song, but it wanted to be written there, so I accommodated it. Did I do the wrong thing? Would some other kind of idea be better?

2. "Cosmic storms surrender". Again, this is a line that wanted to be written, but "surrender" in particular doesn't seem like something a storm would do??? My brain just really wanted "surrender" there. Maybe it shouldn't be "cosmic storms" but something else?

3. The last two lines--about half the time in person and half the time via the moon. Is "soft moonlight" overused? I think "pale moonlight" is definitely overused, so I didn't do that one. And there must be something better than "Its face in person half the time" but I haven't been able to think of anything. So far.

4. Does it work to repeat Verse 1 or does it really need one more verse?

Of course, if you want to comment on anything I haven't mentioned, please do so. I love criticism. Please don't hold back. I should say, please be ruthless (ruthless and nasty are not synonyms) I have mentioned it before, but if you haven't noticed...I have thick skin and want to hear what you REALLY think!

And, in case you're wondering, this has no melody at all yet.

**********************

MOON TIME

V1
Catch some falling laughter, throw it at the moon
Stand in drifting stardust, eat it with a spoon
Hiding in the shadows, disappearing days
Joy is sparkling raindrops, dancing in a haze

CH
Moooooooon time, Staaaaaar shine
Ballerinas twirl on a dime; balancing the stars align
Moooooooon time, staaaaaar shine
Quasars whirl. Is it a sign? Expand my mind.

V2
Darkness, twinkling star light, comets ride the sky
Cosmic storms surrender, solar winds pass by
Clouds obscuring vision, shadows grope their way
With vague illumination, through murky (misty?) foggy fog-infested days

CH
Moooooooon time, Staaaaaar shine
Ballerinas twirl on a dime; balancing the stars align
Moooooooon time, staaaaaar shine
Quasars whirl. Is it a sign? Expand my mind.

Bridge
And throughout time the day the brilliant sun
Provides the earth with light
Its glow reflected by the moon face in person half the time
The other half with soft moonlight Illuminates the night

Possibly a solo here? (A theremin would be awesome! Oh, if only....)

Repeat V1 and Chorus

[PaulAds]

Hi Vicki  

I think it's really great as it is...the only thing I'd change is the use of the word "infested" just because I think it's such an awful word...and I think it clashes a little with the otherwise lovely feel.

[JonDavies]

I love songs like this - just having fun with words more than anything else

I like the ballerinas line... It reminds me of the whole "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin" thing

I see the cosmic storms surrender line as meaning they part for you as you're riding past - I like it

I've never heard soft moonlight in a song. I've also never noticed how often pale moonlight gets used until you mentioned it

I really like this and can't wait to hear it

[Mike67]

Hi Vicki,

Sometimes it feels like songs have a will of their own. Certain words and phrases seem to want to be written and they fight hard to stay on the page, regardless of whether they're adding to the story. If they feel that strongly, we should leave them be. Lucy in the sky with diamonds paints a wonderful picture, but the words make little sence. However every single work sounds like it belongs. That's a long winded way of telling you to go with your instincts on this one.

Love the picture it paints and looking forward to hearing what you do with it.

Mike

[diademgrove]

Hi Vicki,

the verses and bridge are great, really strong. I see no problem with you repeating the first verse at the end.

My problem and it is a big problem is with the chorus. It seems so light compared with the verses. It should soar but for me it doesn't and I think the reason is its too short. I hear the extended melody in the first two lines but for me the pulse quickens for the ballerina line and its over far too quickly. For me it needs more words to explain why ballerinas twirl. I don't think you should get rid of them but the chorus needs more weight, at least for me. Maybe repeating the chorus with a different couplet for the ballerinas may work.

Take what you want from my thoughts, if anything.

Keith

[CaliaMoko]

I think it's really great as it is...the only thing I'd change is the use of the word "infested" just because I think it's such an awful word...and I think it clashes a little with the otherwise lovely feel.

Good catch. I am changing that part for sure. Infested makes it sound like it's full of creepy crawly things. 

I love songs like this - just having fun with words more than anything else

I like the ballerinas line... It reminds me of the whole "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin" thing

I see the cosmic storms surrender line as meaning they part for you as you're riding past - I like it

I've never heard soft moonlight in a song. I've also never noticed how often pale moonlight gets used until you mentioned it

I really like this and can't wait to hear it

Thanks, Jon. I like the way you interpret the words. Gives me more to consider while I decide what to keep and what to edit. I especially like your interpretation of the cosmic storms surrendering line--although, I'm still not sure whether I will keep it or change it. But now I know why I would keep it.

Sometimes it feels like songs have a will of their own. Certain words and phrases seem to want to be written and they fight hard to stay on the page, regardless of whether they're adding to the story. If they feel that strongly, we should leave them be. Lucy in the sky with diamonds paints a wonderful picture, but the words make little sence. However every single work sounds like it belongs. That's a long winded way of telling you to go with your instincts on this one.

And that's the way they felt as I wrote them. Some of them, though, I'm becoming less attached to...so we'll see. I like the "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" comparison, of course!

The verses and bridge are great, really strong. I see no problem with you repeating the first verse at the end.

Thanks!

My problem and it is a big problem is with the chorus. It seems so light compared with the verses. It should soar but for me it doesn't and I think the reason is its too short. I hear the extended melody in the first two lines but for me the pulse quickens for the ballerina line and its over far too quickly. For me it needs more words to explain why ballerinas twirl. I don't think you should get rid of them but the chorus needs more weight, at least for me. Maybe repeating the chorus with a different couplet for the ballerinas may work.

Hmmm, I'll look at that some more. Thanks for pointing that out.

And thanks to everyone who listened!

Vicki

[mikek]

why is the ballerina there ?  what is the significance of the ballerina in this interstellar landscape you are painting? 

[CaliaMoko]

Okay...@diademgrove--do you think it would work to run the chorus twice in a row? I think I'll try that to see how it goes.

@mikek...it's actually pretty much a nonsense song--the ballerina showed up and just wanted to be there; however, I think I might remove her, even though there are those who like it that way. I am presently considering this for the chorus:

Moooooooon time, Staaaaaar shine
Quasars whirl, Is it a sign? Expand my mind
Moooooooon time, Staaaaaar shine
Quasars whirl, Is it a sign? Expand my mind

What do you think??

Or I could make it more matchy, matchy with:
Wind bells chime, is it a sign? expand my mind....but that wouldn't be spacy.

[Wicked Deeds]

Beautiful lyrics Vicki. You're opening gambit is perfect!

Paul

[Mike67]

Or quasars twirling on a dime? Or, out of time? Don't try to force it. Go with what feels right rather than the meaning and see where you end up. Throw away that map and compass and just enjoy the scenery.

Mike

[mikek]

i don't dislike the ballerina's presence, quite the opposite actually.  i just need to establish her use.

for me the image of a ballerina on a dime represents precision... alignment, balance.. that sort of idea.

along that line here is a sample of where my brain would go with it;

ballerina on a dime
balancing the stars align
breathe until you're out of time breathe until you're out - moon time
moon time

[CaliaMoko]

My problem is, as I hear all these great ideas, I want to cram every last one of them into the song. Unless I don't like them, but I think I've liked everything so far. <<sigh>>

[ScottLevi]

Hey Vicki,

Aha I think it's time for you to write a "nonsense" lyric and it this works so well! Takes us on a real journey just as your context makes out you'd like.

So the "Cosmic storms surrender" line sits fine with me to the point there is really helps signify the change as "shooting off into space" and that whole verse does a wonderful job of taking us out there (Though I kind of wished I'd read the lyrics before your intro to see if I've been led in that direction).

"Ballerinas twirl on a dime" - I can see why you might feel this out of place, but I also get the feeling that it demands being there. There's obviously the heavy space theme which this line appear to quite match up with, but at the same time underlines the amazement and wonder of the journey in that not everything can be understood - which on balance I think adds a stronger message to the lyric rather than undermining it.

I like the last verse as a whole and think the message of the last two lines comes accross beautifully, though my friend Glen who's with me at the moment reckons that line "the face in person half the time" could benefit from some extra attention; such as maybe addressing the listener more intimately. We came up with the below suggestion

"Personally provided, half the time,
The other half with soft moonlight"

Repeating verse one could work for us, it's a journey and repeating the first verse will give it some resolve.

Hope this helps, and I'm looking forward to how yo approach this odyssey musically.

All the best,
Scott & Glen

[diademgrove]

Okay...@diademgrove--do you think it would work to run the chorus twice in a row? I think I'll try that to see how it goes.

Yes that would work. I like the ballerina so wouldn't really want to see her disappear. Depending on how it scans you could try "twirling on a dime". Sounds more like I'd say it but it will have to fit the beats and the melody.

Keith

[CaliaMoko]

Okay, thanks to everyone. MikeK I've appropriated part of one of your suggestions...thanks! Keith and others who didn't want me to deep six the ballerina(s), they barely escaped the final edit, so they thank you for saving their lives. I should probably make that singular, because I only have one now. But part of the result is a beefed up chorus, so hopefully that is an improvement.

The thoughts on the bridge helped me to come up with a better sequence there, I think. I have put all the edits into the original post, so you can see them.

I tried to get this to the WIP board, but the melody will not cooperate. The first attempt ended up sounding like a dirge. Its replacement is much better but sounds far too much like The Newbeats' "Bread and Butter". So I've given up for the moment. I should post in "Collaborations" and see if anyone would like a go at it. I think it needs some kind of "spacy" treatment and the problem is, I don't know how to do that. I think that's the problem, anyway.

Vicki