[janim]

Hello everybody,

I'm new here.

Here's a song I have made for my band Moonshine Company (https://www.facebook.com/moonshinecompany).

https://soundcloud.com/moonshine-company/wild-girl/s-3p5eL

If you would kindly (!) tell me how sh*tty my english and my pronunciation are?
In lyrics I have made some "shortcuts" to make them fit music better. Do you think they make the grammar too bad?

Cheers,
Jani

Here are the lyrics:

WILD GIRL

She's an angry alligator
photographic devastator
You don't seem to mind she's acting crazy

Acting like a true beliver
You are saying I am lying
If you're thinking I would want her
You'd better think that one over

chorus:
You really think she can be taken?
You believe that you can tame her
Make the wild girl fit your little
dream world

Who is the one that you trust?
Is it me or the one that you lust?
When I tell you she's just bad news
You are saying I am jealous

Stay away that girl
She's one deadly fandango
She's only laughing at your feelings

[hardtwistmusic]

This isn't my kind of music, but I like it a lot anyway.   The lyric works for the most part with your grammatical interpretation.... but there are a couple of places that kind of "stick" and don't flow grammatically. 

It's late here now, so I'll try to point those places out later. 

[janim]

Thank you

[hardtwistmusic]

Here are my suggestions.  

WILD GIRL

She's an angry alligator
photographic devastator
You don't seem to mind she's acting crazy

Acting like a true believer
You are saying I am lying  
If you're thinking I would want her
You should be thinkin that one over

chorus:
You really think she can be taken?
You believe that you can tame her
Make the wild girl fit your little
dream world  

Who is the one that you have trust for?
Is it me or the one you lust for?
When I tell you she's bad news
You say I'm only jealous.  

So, Stay away from that girl
She's one deadly fandango
She's only laughing at your feelings  


SO- FINISHED (if you take all my suggestions) it would be like the above.  Below is the explanation for what I've suggested.  

She's an angry alligator
photographic devastator
You don't seem to mind she's acting crazy

Acting like a true believer
You are saying I am lying   (I don't really like this non-rhyme, but it works with the music.)
If you're thinking I would want her
You'd better think that one over --(I suggest "you should be thinkin that one over")

chorus:
You really think she can be taken?
You believe that you can tame her
Make the wild girl fit your little
dream world    (This is an incredible bit of lyric right here btw.)  

Who is the one that you (have)trust (for)?
Is it me or the one (delete "that") you lust (for)?
When I tell you she's (delete "just") bad news
You are saying I am jealous  (I suggest "You say I'm only jealous.")

So, Stay away (from) that girl
She's one deadly fandango
She's only laughing at your feelings

I hope that helps a little.  I think it's already a good lyrical start.  Anything I suggested you want to use.... use it.  If you don't like any part of it, don't use the part(s) you don't like.  Good luck.

[janim]

Thank you Verlon for comments and correction suggestions. Most probably I will implement those while recording the "official" version in studio at the end of May. Thank you!

Was there anything in my pronunciation which sounded too wrong for a native english speaker? I think, that as a foreigner I'm mixing British and American pronunciation.

Thanks!

[Bernd]

Not bad at all - and good suggestions by Verlon.

Your accent is clearly audible but no problem at all, gives it an interesting 'flavour'. I like it that way. But then, I'm German ;-)

Good luck!
Bernd

[janim]

Well thank you Bernd

[diademgrove]

Hi janim,

I like this a lot. I agree that Verlon's changing make the song better grammatically. A couple of suggestions the w in "world" sounds really soft (as in not very loud). I would prefer to hear it more like the w you sing in "wild".

I think you should sing the chorus after the second verse rather than go straight into the "So, stay away..etc" section, which could become a middle 8. To do this I'd just have the drums with the bass and guitar playing on the first beat only and ringing out for the full bar. You may wish to slow the song down for this section by doubling the number of bars it sung over. It will increase the emphasis on the advice you are giving. To keep the song the same length you could take out one of the chorus repeats at the end.

If you disagree feel free to ignore my advice.

diadem

[hardtwistmusic]

Was there anything in my pronunciation which sounded too wrong for a native english speaker? I think, that as a foreigner I'm mixing British and American pronunciation.

Thanks!

I suspect you ARE "mixing British and American pronunciation."  As an American listener, that actually adds to the interest.  We're excessively proud of everything else, but a little ashamed of how boring our American dialects are. 

For the most part, we're arrogant enough to WISH we had an accent, without realizing that to everyone else we DO have an accent. 

[S.T.C]

yes you do sound like Herr Fish   i quite like though, was a bit of a metal head when i was younger...re-do it and see how it sounds then

@Hardtwistmusic i thought there were 4 American accents.....this was told to me by an American.but then theres  this.

https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080207060947AATAZBk

[hardtwistmusic]

yes you do sound like Herr Fish  
@Hardtwistmusic i thought there were 4 American accents.....this was told to me by an American.but then theres  this.

An accomplished listener can find more than four accents in New York City alone.  As in every country, isolated areas develop differences in how they speak. 

The "basic four" listed are extremely distinct.  What is humourous is that people in the south (Southern Accent) believe that THEY have NO ACCENT, and that theirs is the "normal way of speaking" and that the other three are "accents." 

Ditto the other three.  It really all comes down to a "tribal" sense of "we are right and THEY are wrong".   

Not every American fits this stereotype (of course) but as a country, we are perceived (with at least some justification) as thinking WE are the norm while every one else is "abnormal." 

[mihkay]

An alternative option. I am a native English speaker.

BUT. I prefer French Rap to American. 

This is because I enjoy the way the French language sounds more musical to my ear than English. Also I do not really hear the lyrics of a song unless I like the music first, so the fact that I can not understand the words does not matter to me.

What I am offering as an alternative is.....

Find a voice you are comfortable with and expresses your music....and phrasing in exact English will not matter.

This is only my opinion, but I hope it will help.

Martin