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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: CaliaMoko on September 10, 2020, 03:34:58 AM
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Final draft ;) I attempted some mixing on this. It has a little percussion, acoustic guitar, and lead vocal. I know it has many opportunities for improvement. Feel free to comment on it, if you want, but basically I know I just need to keep studying.
I think this might be the final version of the words. I'm still open to more suggestions, though. I'm interested in knowing if the words work okay and if the melody matches well.
Here's the song (https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/mississippi-moon) and here's the lyric:
“Come with me,” he said; “let’s go to Mississippi.”
His eyes were bright; his smile tight with hope
“You can even leave me when we get there.
I just need someone to help me go.
PRE-CHORUS
If I don’t go now,” he said, “I never will.
I’ll have a wife and kids; I’ll use an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled.
I really want to go, come with me, please.
CHORUS
Let’s go down to Mississippi;
We’ll watch the stars at night and share a point of view
Let’s go down to Mississippi,
Where we can dance beneath the Mississippi Moon.”
I shook my head; “What would my mama say
if I took off and ran away with you?
And what about your bride; what about your wedding day?
And me, I really need to stay in school.”
PRE-CHORUS
CHORUS
BRIDGE
What if I had gone, what would I have seen?
I'd like to peek into that fantasy.
Would things be diff’rent? I don’t know.
If I had dared to follow my Romeo?
CHORUS
© 2020 Vicki Morrison Goble
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The chord structure is soooooooo familiar. I just figured it out. Zager and Evans "In the Year 2525."
Not all of it, but some very similar parts. It's the chords your were given, not any plagiarism. But it's cool and fun how literally everything can tie back to something else. That's what makes music so darned fun.
I'm reminded of how my lyric "Little Tin Gods" was so similar to "One Tin Soldier," even though I was working from an Elton John song. There is literally 'nothing (completely) new under the sun.'
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Was about to write a note saying "That long intro is waaaay too long" but actually I think there's something wrong with the sound file and only the guitar has rendered!
I like the lyrics though - nice twist in the tail and other nice touches "I need someone to help me go" is a really interesting line. Also the "point of view" sounds simple but it's never more apt than for looking at the night sky....
Anyhow, I look forward to the complete production!
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Oh man! How embarrassing! Let that be a lesson to me. Never upload without listening first.
So, now the whole thing is there....
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Hi @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
I really enjoyed that 😍
It’s got a very familiar chord structure (which I understand was the remit of your challenge ) and sometimes I think playing to a strict beat doesn’t help to differentiate the arrangement when using such chords
I am wondering if you should just ditch the beat and play and sing the song loosely to help get some nuances in there...it’s a fine lilting melody and the words sit nice with each other...I often find folk type campfire songs work better without a strict tempo - I bet your natural rhythm is magical with this song
Anyway your voice is rich and expressive and carries the tune well 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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Oh what might have been! I like these kind of wistful narrative songs and you tell the story well, topped off with a memorable join-in style chorus.
I remember you said on the Friday video once that you always end up with your songs sounding like they’re from the 60s. Well nothing wrong with that, and especially in this case, as the sound and structure reminds me of crossover folk/rock artists of the late 60s. I think this kind of melodic classic style is due a comeback, and I am sure you will be ready for it if that time comes.
I’d be tempted to add a few simple harmonies on the chorus, typical of the genre. But very enjoyable all the same ;)
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I really enjoyed this Vicki. Like Michael says, nothing wrong with working with a genre that you are good at and you are so good at this sixties, folks vibe. Your melodies are always strong and lyrics always well thought out. Bravo Vicki :)
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your vocals are so refreshing vicky, and the skilful unpredictable lyric and your vocal kept me engaged with it..
wasnt put off by the sparse presentation.. didnt notice.. vocal said it all.. anymores a bonus
altho as it played i did find myself adding armchairs drums and an imaginary rubber bassline..
fine song
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Really like this: your voice is truly exceptional, with a lovely resonant quality. Some excellent phrasing gives the song a fresh and original quality, as well as keeping the listener engaged.
One minor suggestion: In the bridge, I would replace "Let's take a peek ..." with "I sometimes peek ( or even sneak) ...". I think this would give it a more personal and wistful feeling.
Best wishes,
Kevin
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Good song! As said, I think the story is great and the twist in the end is very nice.
Although there is some irony in saying that if she doesn't go with him he'll end up with a wife (not her!).
I think I'd probably try to find a word other than Romeo as that's been done lots of times. As "I don't know" is pretty neutral there's lots of scope ("what would have been my future / if I'd followed my seducer" - not really a suggestion but you see what I mean). Though Romeo does have a touch of the young and reckless about it...
Very much like the melodies and vocals too.
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Hi Vicki, beautifully sung, as usual 8). Yes it is a familiar chord structure, but you have made it your own with a nice bittersweet lyric.
Cheers
Jamie
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First. I changed "sleep" to dance to avoid any chance of someone taking sleep metaphorically as death. Besides, dancing under the moon sounds more romantic than just being unconscious, right?
@hardtwistmusic (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19215) : Oh, it is, isn't it?? I knew I like that "walking down" sound, and "In the Year 2525" is probably the first place I heard it.
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) : Thanks! I was glad I stumbled onto that "help me go" line. He wants to go but can't bring himself to go on his own. If someone goes with him, though, he could manage it. And the song doesn't say this, but he's asking his previous girlfriend, someone he feels a strong connection to--to go with him. There's a whole background story to go with this one.
And posting instrumental only--good lesson for me. Never post without listening first! I didn't notice the render was set to "stems", so it only rendered the track that was selected.
@kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) : It was only the first few chords of the chorus that were required. And we could use them wherever we wanted in the song. That's where I ended up putting them. For recording, I am extremely dependent on a rhythm or click track, but when I'm live, of course, I can do whatever I want. Generally, I tend to speed up gradually throughout the song, no matter how hard I try to keep it consistent. Thanks for the nice comment on my voice! Ego boosts always welcome. :)
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) : Thank you, Michael! I do keep hearing harmonies in places on the chorus and hope to add them in before the local challenge deadline. Every time I listen, I find myself singing harmony on the chorus.
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) : Thank you muchly! I like to fiddle with words :) These are probably not 100% done but getting very close.
@nooms (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=11264) : Thanks for the complimentary words! I have been considering attempting a bass line on this but haven't gotten to it so far. Came close one day. Got the midi stuff plugged in so I could use the keyboard but didn't make it. Yet. There is a little percussion in there, but it's pretty far back in the mix.
@kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) : Thank you!! I agree about the bridge. It has been a struggle. I'm definitely not happy with the "take a peek" line and already had plans to try to rework it.
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) : Yes...in fact, I've already done a song with Romeo in it, and I had plans to "fix" that part. Strangely...and let me set this up...I signed up for a half hour of songwriting coaching with a professional. I went into it thinking the Romeo line, in particular, needed to be different. She disagreed and said the REST of the bridge was too boring, and the only good part was the Romeo line! Of course, it's just one person's opinion and a different coach might say the opposite. Still, I am now conflicted. We'll see what happens. I kind of like the "young and reckless" feel.
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) : Thank you for the lovely words!
Thank you, everyone, for all the wonderful comments, and a big thank you to everyone who has listened.
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One more thing. I added a little bit of harmonies here and there. For now, I think it is finished. At this point, I'm especially interested in helpful hints for the mixing.
MAKE THAT TWO MORE THINGS. I changed the peek into the fantasy line to make better sense. "Let's take a peek doesn't work, because we really aren't taking a peek. but I would like to, so it has become "I'd like to peek" which is the truth.
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You have a beautiful voice, Vicki @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) and it’s a lovely strong melody.. the story is great and it’s a good and interesting spin on the running away theme... a very lovely song.
In the bridge, it struck me that ‘what if I had gone’ would be quite hard to sing - I think I’d drop the ‘what’ and just sing ‘If I had gone.....’ ... just a thought....
Karen.
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My first chance to hear it with the vocal attached. The "Zager and Evans" vibe is even more apparent and it's wonderful.
I think this is my favorite of all your songs. And I haven't heard any of your songs for some time, so there is no 'gradation of change' for me to deal with. I think your vocals have REALLY taken a step forward.
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - Lovely song, suits your voice perfectly.
Lovely production, clean and full of space, especially like the BV's
Felt the M8 could have a tight tracking harmony vocal line.
Maybe add a simple bass line, maybe a stand up, but nothing complex.
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Hi @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
What a lovely plaintive song beautifully sung with great lyrics. I think you got the production and arrangement pretty much spot on, I thought your acoustic playing and sound was great and your harmony vocals were terrific. All in all a great job.
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Thanks for the listens and uplifting words. So good for my ego!!
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) : I didn't find the line hard to sing, but I am a big fan of only using necessary words, so I removed the "What". I like it. Don't know why I didn't think of it myself.
@hardtwistmusic (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19215) : I need to look up Zager and Evans--oh wait! That's the "In the Year 2525" song. Right. Got it. This is also one of my favorites of mine--probably in the top three, anyway. It's surprising, to me, because when we got the assignment to write a song with the specific title of "Mississippi Moon", I was at a total loss. I couldn't imagine how I could write anything about Mississippi. Maybe the river, as the source is near here. But then I came up with this story....
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) : I agree. In fact, I have attempted to add harmonies to the bridge, and I tried a bass line on my bass guitar but--since I haven't been practicing--that did not go well. I could use midi, though, so I'll give that a try with my keyboard.
@Grubstar (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22532) : Aahhhh, you are so nice! Thank you!
Thanks to everyone who listened!
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Very nice Vicki.
Love the vocal and the teen lyric idea fantasy Romeo theme fits nicely with the progression which was more Runaway for me than Hardtwist's Zager and evans.
Mississippi Moon is a nice title too. Aren't we lucky to have wonderful names/words like that? Maryland Moon just wouldn't cut it.
The backing vocals are very nice...I went to a few different places with mine but I suppose we all listen to songs on here and think we would have done something different...not necessarily better!
As it is a thing of yours..prosody...phrasing I call it probably erroneously...I felt that the line 'I'd like to peek into that fantasy was a bit awkward...I'd have come in justa little bit earlier so the first bit wasn't so rushed together....anyway that's just my take on it.
Enjoyed it!
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928),
I don't connect with the characters in this story. As I see it, there is basically a selfish guy, extending an invite to a very young girl to travel with him to Mississippi whilst he contemplates an escape from a settled life with his current partner. I'm asking myself, why does the young girl wonder why she didn't go to Mississippi.
I need a reason to unfold that tells me this man had something that was exciting, intoxicating, endearing that made the girl in the story regret not going with him. That's how I'd develop the story. At the moment, the girl is basically wondering what if, without any reason to do so and that is communicated to the listener.
Musically, kudos for tackling all of the instruments. It's great to hear your progress. The Zager and Evans influence is very strong here but that can be easily disguised for the better with production mixing and additional instruments.
The overpowering feeling that I have is that the man is self absorbed. There is nothing to like about him. He doesn't care if the young girl stays as long as she accompanies him. That doesn't help me connect with the story or believe why anyone would wonder what if.
Please don't think that this is a negative review. I think it highlights an area that must be addressed in order to engage the listener.
I hope this helps Vicki.
Paul
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Hola @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
I have loved listening to your song, your voice has a new energy, I don't know if I explain myself well, and the song is easy to follow and hum.
I like the lyrics, it's like I'm watching that scene in a cowboy movie.
The mix is fine, and the guitar sounds great !!!
The chorus is good, good, good, good
Mora
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Hi Vicki,
Your strengths are your voice, melodic ear and a strong grasp of lyrical flow and rhyme. This does sound like a 60's folk song which is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. The acoustic guitar is fine. I would have maybe added a couple of other instruments or percussion (tambourine, shaker, woodblock?) just to keep the listener's interest. However, there is no denying the quality of your songwriting and that most valuable skill for me, melodic invention.
M
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So many wonderful comments!
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra : Yeah, I think that one would have to be "Under the Moon in Maryland"! ;D :P I admit I struggled with the background vocals. They don't come to me as easily as they used to, so I have to work at it, usually. I'd like to do more, but it has a tendency to get too messy. And, oh yes, prosody! I can be a fanatic but actually I break the rules ALL the TIME. I did work a lot on that line, but now I can see it would be better to come in earlier, as you mentioned, so I could get proper phrasing, like: I'd LIKE to PEEK INto that FANtasy. Right now it's I'D like to PEEK, etc. I wouldn't say it that way. I think I did fair on the "down", although it starts by going up, because then it falls back down. So "down", right? Another aspect of prosody.
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) : Hmmm...I really don't want it to come across as an older man and young girl! Is it the reference to his getting married and her still being in school? Perhaps I need to make it clear that she's in college. In fact, they both are, and they are the same age--about 20, maybe even 21. So maybe I need to make the situation more clear there. And he actually cares a lot whether she stays with him or not. He thinks she isn't all that interested, so he's letting her know she doesn't have to commit forever--just help him break away and go. The reason she is wondering how her life might have been if she gone with him, why she cares about that, is they had a history together, starting when they were 16. Every year they would get together, then drift apart, then back together, etc, until he met the woman he eventually married. I have the whole story in my head, but I can't fit ALL of that into the lyric, so I need to figure out how to hint at it, so it comes across properly.
And, I *love* getting criticism I can get my teeth into and work on. No worries there. It gives me energy. It's possible I'm weird (although, I may deny it), but I *like* it.
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) : Thank you so much for the supportive words. I really appreciate it!
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) : It always amazes me when I can come up with a new melody. Every time I find one I really like, I think...well, that must be the last one; there's no way I'll be able to think up another good one now. I do try to work hard on the rhythm flow and the rhymes. I say it out loud and feel where the rhythm goes and try to match that with a melody. I make long lists of rhyming words (perfect and imperfect) and try to find ways to fit them into the story. I love finding an unexpected rhyme (like once I rhymed watermelon and lettuce and it worked). The whole process can become very engaging, which gives me a break from "real life", which is a big plus since I can't actually get away.
And thank you to everyone who's been listening. It means a lot to me.
Vicki
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Nice work Vicki! Not much I can add that hasn’t already been said. It’s nice to hear you use backing vocals and give the whole mixing thing a go. Keep at it.😄🎶👊🏻🎶
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When I started listening I though I don't think this is for me, but at the end I just played it again ...... and again. I really like it, it just grew and grew for me!
You have a lovely voice for this type of song and it would be great to hear a live version slightly quicker (I'm the same, I end up playing songs much faster ;D).
Good work Vicki.
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Thanks @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) and @PeteS (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22588) : I have to say, mixing is not coming easily to me at all. I blame it on the loud ringing in my ears. :D And yes, I know I would tend to play faster live. I tend to play everything too fast when I don't have a drum or click track. In fact, I start medium or fast and keep getting faster until the end of the song. I can hear it after, if I record it and listen back, but I totally can't tell I'm doing it at the time.