[Rabazzle]

Hey guys,

This is my first post here, thought I'd give it a go and tried to get some feedback. I'm a 21 year old student and I just recorded this a few days ago at home, having worked on it for one full afternoon. I usually don't spend more time recording my (demo) songs, but I'm afraid that while hearing it over and over again in the process, I'm always getting used to some flaws. Anyway, I'm happy to hear some critical feedback

https://soundcloud.com/whoeverthatis/9-to-5

The song kind of deals with some sort of "every day life depression" and the somewhat enticing idea of breaking free off society's expectations.

"Those things are keeing me awake. There's always something in the way. But as long as I feel that I'll get there in the end everything's okay, or at least I can pretend.
The sky is never fully blue. There's always something you have to do. Something is expected from you. You're never fully free, but you said that you wanted to be.
When half your life is predesigned how do I know what is actually mine? All these things that we're expected to do. Aren't we all just a bunch of fools?
Another morning after another night. Time to get up to fight the fight: my 9 to 5 is waiting for me, but it's not making me feel anywhere near complete.
When half your life is predesigned how do I know what is actually mine? All these things that we're expected to do. Aren't we all just a bunch of fools?"

[shadowfax]

Hi ..welcome to the forum..

[CaliaMoko]

Hi and welcome to our forum! I hope to see a lot more of you around...

Nice job on this, especially how you fit the words and the melody together. I only noticed a couple lines that felt slightly awkward to me. The rest was very smooth.

The slightly rough spot was in these two lines:

Another morning after another night.
Time to get up to fight the fight

The first line felt forced, and the second line had an unnatural emphasis on the word "to", in the opening phrase: "Time to". If you held "Time" longer and sang "to get up" more quickly, that would easily resolve. I don't know how to explain how to fix the "another morning after another night" bit, but I've experimented and I know it can be made to flow more smoothly.

I like the accompaniment and the way you built it up. Although, I didn't care for the tapping sound that happened for awhile starting around :43 or :44. It didn't feel to me like it fit, but might be just my personal bias.

And while I'm doing all this nit picking (yes, I'm a nit picker), my personal preference is that you arrange your lyric into nice verses on the page--maybe something like this:

Those things are keeping me awake.
There's always something in the way.
But as long as I feel that I'll get there in the end
everything's okay, or at least I can pretend.

The sky is never fully blue.
There's always something you have to do.
Something is expected from you.
You're never fully free, but you said that you wanted to be.

You named this "9 to 5", but that phrase only occurs once in the song. And you have no hook. Now, it's okay to write a song this way, but I've noticed that songs with hooks and choruses tend to be more memorable, stick with the listener better. So, if you don't consider this song done yet, you could spend some time developing a chorus, including a hook.

One idea, converting the verse with your 9 to 5 line into a chorus (that could be sung to a different melody after each verse):

Another morning, another night.
Time to get up to fight the fight.
My 9 to 5 is waiting for me,
But it'll never make me feel complete.

It doesn't really make the 9 to 5 into a hook, but the first or last line might work. Anyway, just an idea--if you like any of it, feel free to use it. Or not.

Best of luck with it!

Vicki

[Gill]

I enjoyed it, I've seen a few songs that mention the title only once in the lyrics ;like chasing cars

[Yodasdad]

Hi,

I loved the overall feel and sound of this, from the pair of acoustic guitars to the doubled vocals and the harmonies.

It felt like a long wait to get to the chorus and then to only hear it twice in the space of a 5 minute song, I think you're missing a trick here. You need to hammer that chorus home. I agree with the point about coming up with a more defined hook as well and maybe rethinking the title to better match the content of the song rather than the theme.

There's a lot to like here and with a bit of tinkering I think this could be really good.

Yodasdad.

[IronKnee]

Hey there....it took me a little while to really get into this. It started off really well, and then began to hint that there was a drag going on    When all of, seemingly, a sudden, it made a change that reeled me in like a tuna. Some great subtle changes, that I think you can actually bring more into the forefront of the sound. Great feel, and very spacious ambiance.
Good stuff, Rabazzle 
                                                          -Tom

[Martinswede]

Hi!

Vicki mentioned most of what I'm concerned with.
The claves don't agree with me and also the format
of your lyrics is a bit puzzling.

I like the change that comes at 'when half your life...'

I think your singing could be a bit more dreamy awa-KE
is too hard imo.

Also the break at 2:20 I find sweetening the song.

Concerning the title I have no objections. Many songs have
titles that never appear in the lyrics.

Keep posting!

Martin

[Jamie]

Hi, I like the sound of the acoustic guitars, and the vocals work pretty well. It's not the most conventional structure but that worked for me. The keyboard section later on went on a bit, that would be my small issue with it!
Nice one, welcome to the forum.
Cheers
Jamie

[Cazrolina]

Great song. Really enjoyed the feel of it.

In agreement with the others about first section length as is, and the outro feeling a bit long.

I know some have said about a hook and brightening up the longer feeling/"sadder" section at the beginning. Could work. And then I did lots of imagining...
I could imagine a riff built with a saddened version of the riffs that start with the keys at 4.06.  

But... I then had another listen and imagined a call and return guitar reply to your vocal from 0:33 then bringing in some drums at 0:54 to give it some welly and keep it building - as it does build very nicely as is.

Loving the change at 1:36, and loved the keys.
Liked the clicky noise, but it did stick out a touch in one place for me - maybe its the volume or speed of the faster/drum roll bit. Could use a dif percussion instrument for the fast bit or remove.

But thats just me, and Im always sticking an oar in. Haha. Ignore me at will. I am a learner on here, after all.

Goes off to have imaginary meeting with imaginary record label then book holiday with imaginary winnings from imaginary lottery ticket...

[Steng]

Really like your vocal. I'm not too keen on the percussion though. I'm into the guitar split and it's great when the keyboard comes in......but the percussion I don't like is still tapping away    Overall it's a pretty cool song which I reckon with a tweak or two could be a killer track.

Steng